Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
322

A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:

“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

The whole bar gets dead quiet and all the drinkers try to ignore her; nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar sits a skinny little guy well over the limit. He stands up and slams his hand on the bar and says:

“Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!”

The bartender pours and the woman drinks. A little while later, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:

“What man out there will buy a lady a drink?”

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:

“Bartender, I’d like to buy the ballerina another drink!”

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the drunk and says, “Look. It’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?”

To which, the drunk replies, “Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!”

323

I don’t get it.

324

I think it’s a “Your momma’s so fat…” type joke.
It kind of fails even at that level, so…

325

This was my 88 year old mother’s favorite joke:
When your mom sits around the house, she sits ARROUUNNND the house!

326

What’s more fun than stapling dead babies to a wall?

Ripping them off the wall!!!

327

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamacan, a Filipnino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, and a Norwegian walk into a fine restaurant.
“I’m sorry,” said the maitre d’, “but you can’t come in here without a Thai.”

328

I rather liked this one:

329

Another Soviet oldie:

A man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a Moscow liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams, “I can’t take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev! I’m going to the Kremlin right now and I’m going to kill him!”

After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: “No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka.”

330

Not a new joke, but one I heard my college English teacher say.

A sadist and a masochist are in a relationship together. One night, they’re both in bed. “Hurt me!” the masochist says to the sadist. “Punch me! Bite me! Pull my hair! Torture me!”
The sadist replies:

“No.”

331

Here’s another updated “Royals” joke, the first time I heard it the Princesses were Diana and Margaret.

Princess Kate and Queen Elizabeth go out for a drive in the country. They are set upon by bandits.

The bandit points his gun at Kate and demands her engagement ring. She says " So sorry, I left it back at the castle". Then he points the gun at the queen and demands her crown
She says " So sorry, I left it back at the castle".

So the bandits push them out of the car and drive away, leaving them stranded on the side of the road.

Elizabeth gives Kate a look and says " Dear, I distinctly recall seeing your ring on your finger when we left"
Kate blushes and says " You’re right, Queen Mother. When I saw the bandits coming I hid the ring in my vagina"
Then she continues “and Queen Mother, I know you were wearing your crown when we left the castle”
Elizabeth blushes bright red and says “Well, dear, I too used my vagina as a hiding place”

Then the two stand by the road for a few minutes and ponder their predicament.

Then Queen Elizabeth says “Too bad Princess Anne didn’t come with us. We could’ve saved the Bentley”.

332

Your momma’s so fat, when she weighs herself, the scales say “To be continued…”

333

The Seven Dwarfs have an audience with the Pope. The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican because they have requested an audience with the Pope. They are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

“Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting… “Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!”

334

I work with young children…

Knock Knock?
(Who is there?)
Smell Mop

:cool:

335

I LOL’d.

336

What prize did the man who invented door knockers receive?

The No-bell prize

337

When my siblings and I get together, we joke and laugh like crazy. My wife, a fairly reserved type, always felt like more of a spectator at these gatherings. We all know this, of course. I gave her a joke that she could use the next time we were all together.

How do you catch a polar bear?
I dunno, how DO you catch a polar bear?
You chop a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it and (this part is crucial) when he comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice-hole.

The time comes for her to tell her joke…
How do you catch a polar bear?
I dunno, how DO you catch a polar bear?
You chop a hole in the ice and when he comes to eat them, you kick him!:smiley:

…two, three, four…

and we HOWLED with laughter.

338

A guy goes into the same bar every day after work for five years, and there’s always one other guy sitting at the far end the counter. No matter who comes in or goes out, he always exchanges greetings with them.

The first guy is burning with curiosity. “Excuse me,” he says. “I’ve been coming in here for five years now, and I notice that you seem to know everybody who comes in.”

“Yeah, that’s right,” says the second guy. “I know everybody.”

“Come on, nobody knows everybody.”

“Well, I do. I’ll bet you we can go anywhere in the world, and people there will know me.”

“You’re on!” says the first guy. So they go to the airport and get on a plane for Washington. Once there, their taxi pulls up in front of the White House just as the Obamas are taking a stroll around the grounds.

Barack and Michele wave them on over. “Harry!” they say. “How great to see you again!”

The first guy is dumbfounded. “Okay,” he says. “Come with me.”

They go back to Dulles and get on plane to London. Once there, they take a cab to Buckingham Palace.

The whole Royal Family is watching the changing of the guard. When they see Harry, they drop what they’re doing and cry “Harry! How wonderful of you to drop by!”

The first guy can’t believe it. “Okay,” he says. “One more time!”

They go back to Heathrow and get on a plane for Rome. Once there, they take a taxi to St Peter’s Square.

“You’d better wait here,” says Harry. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

He goes inside as the first guy stands there reading a travel guide. After a few minutes, he notices that a crowd is gathering. He looks up and is astonished to see Harry and the Pope standing arm in arm on the balcony. They wave to the crowd, and everyone cheers wildly.

The first guy is standing there, shaking his head in disbelief, when an Italian approaches him.

“Hey!” says the Italian. “Who’s that up there with Harry?!?”

339

A Muscovite in the early '80s gets a letter from his brother in the US, telling him that he’s hit on a foolproof way to get lots of money.

“I went to Washington with a bale of hay and sat down on the White House lawn,” he reads, “and I started eating. After a while, Reagan came out and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. I told him I had a big family and no job and straw was all we could afford to eat. He felt sorry for me and took out his checkbook and wrote me a check for $10,000!”

The Muscovite thinks this is a great idea. The next day, he finds a bale of hay and goes down to Red Square, where he finds a spot and starts eating. After a few minutes, Brezhnev comes out and asks him what the hell he thinks he’s doing.

The Muscovite says “Well, you see, Comrade Brezhnev, I have a big family and no job, and all we can afford to eat is hay!”

Brezhnev explodes. “You idiot!” he says. “Eat grass in the summer; save the hay for winter!”

340

What do you get if you turn a blonde upside down?

A brunette.

341

A Pole, an Irish man and a blond guy are sitting on a girder 100 stories above the ground on lunch break at a construction site. The Pole goes to open his lunch bucket and mutters, “If I have kielbasa & pierogies again I’m going to jump off this building.” He opens the lunch box and sure enough kielbasa & pierogies. He jumps off the girder to his death. The Irishman goes to open his lunch bucket and mutters, “If have corned beef and cabbage one more time I’m going to jump off this building.” He opens the lunch box and sure enough corned beef and cabbage. He jumps off the girder to his death. The blond guy goes to open his lunch bucket and mutters, “If there’s bologna and cheese sandwiches in here I’m going to jump off this building.” He opens the lunch box and sure enough bologna and cheese. He jumps off the girder to his death.

That Saturday all the families are in the funeral home. The polish wife is wailing, “Oh, why did I have to make him kielbasa & pierogies. The Irish man’s wife is wailing, “Oh, why did I have to make him corned beef and cabbage. I could have made him anything.” They all look over at the blond guy’s wife who isn’t even teary eyed. “Don’t look at me!” she says. “He makes his own lunch.”