Good jokes you've heard recently

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
342

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a really rough bar, and the Englishman says “What do, what, what do you, do you, what do you guys want to drink?”. The Scotsman says “I’ll have a, have a, have, have a, I’ll have a whisky please” and the Irishman says “I’d like, I’d, I’d like a, like a, I’d like a pint, a pint of, I’d like a pint of stout if that’s all right.”

So the Englishman says “A pint of, a pint, a pint of bitter, a pint, a pint of bitter, a whisky, a pint of bitter, a whisky and a pint, a pint of bitter, a whisky and a pint of stout please” to the brassy blonde barmaid, who laughs in his face and says:

“I’ll do you better than that, boys, if any of you three can answer me one question then you can have a free shag right now on the pool table, but you’ve got to answer it without stammering. So, limey, where are you from?”

And the Englishman says “Birming, Birm, Birm, I’m from, I’m from Birmingham,” and she says “Oh, good try, but looks like you lose,” and everyone in the bar laughs cruelly at his speech impediment.

“Now it’s your turn, Jock, tell me where you’re from without stammering and it’s a free shag for you,” and he says “Aber, Aber, Aber, I’m from Ab, I’m from Aberdeen.” And he gets the same mocking laughter for his display of verbal ineptitude.

Finally she turns to the Irishman and before she even gets through asking him “And now, Paddy, where are you-” he yells “LONDON!”. And the whole crowd roar with laughter as the barmaid curses foully, because to be honest they don’t much mind whose discomfiture they get to laugh at, and to a din of taunts and jeers she hitches up her skirt and bends over the pool table and Paddy helps himself.

…And just as he’s on the final strokes he screams “-DERRY!”

343

Back in 2002, GW Bush and Dick Cheney are seen huddling in a booth at the local Denny’s.

The manager is overwhelmed by having two such important men in his restaurant.

“Don’t worry,” says Cheney. “We’re just sketching out plans for a little military action in the near future. We’re going to kill 100,000 Iraqis and a blonde with big tits!”

The manager thinks for a moment. “Why would you want to kill a blonde with big tits?”

Cheney grins and turns back to Bush. “See? I told you nobody would care about the Iraqis!”

344

A guy goes into a haberdasher’s to buy his first suit.

Knowing a mark when he sees one, the salesman selects the finest suit in the shop and gives it to the guy to try on.

A few minutes later, they’re standing in front of a full-length mirror. The salesman says “I’ve gotta say, that suit really is you!”

“Well, I dunno,” says the guy. “Seems kinda loose in the shoulders.”

“No, problem!” says the salesman. “Just kind of throw your shoulders forward a bit.”

“Hmmm. Seems a little tight in the crotch.”

“No problem! When you walk, just kind of pull the belt down a ways.”

“Well, the legs seem a bit long.”

“No problem! All you have to do is just hitch them up a little.”

The guy pays for the suit, leaves, and starts walking down the street in a particularly spastic manner, doing everything the salesman prescribed.

He passes two little old ladies waiting for a bus. “Oh, my!” says one. “Look at that poor man!”

“Yes,” says the other. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

345

I don’t get it…

346

I’m guessing that the blond guy is so stupid he made a lunch he didn’t like? Or else he forgot what his lunch was between the time that he made it and the time that he opened it.

347

Both, I’d say. :rolleyes:

348

It was opening night at the Orpheum and Amazing Claude was topping the bill. Hundreds of people came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surfaces. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying heirloom, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“Fuck!” said the hypnotist.

It took almost three weeks to clean up the theater.

349

I actually LOL’d :smiley:

350

At a Southern revival meeting, the Evangelist calls upon the audience for volunteers for a faith healing. Two people come up on stage, a middle-aged man and an old woman on crutches.

“My name is Smith” says the woman, “and I’ve been paralyzed from the waist down for years.”

“My name ith Jonths” says the man, “and I’ve thpoken wif dis tewwibwe lithp thince I wath a widdel boy.”

The Evangelist tells them both to go behind a screen while he and the audience pray for their full recovery. He goes on and on, thumping the Bible and calling on Jesus, until the crowd has been worked into a religious frenzy.

“Now, then, Mrs Smith!” he bellows. “Throw away your right crutch!”

The crowd gasps in astonishment as the crutch comes sailing over the screen and onto the stage.

“Now, then, Mrs Smith! Throw away your left crutch!”

The left crutch comes sailing through the air as the crowd goes wild.

“Now, then, Mr Jones! Say something!”

Jones speaks from behind the screen:

“Mitthuth Smith juth fell on her ath!”

351

First time I heard it this joke, he said “Shit!”

352

What’s the difference between a Pygmy tribe and a women’s track team?

A Pygmy tribe is a bunch of cunning runts.

353

A young guy is sitting in the den of his girlfriend’s father, having just asked for her hand in marriage.

The girl’s father leans back in his chair, puffs on his pipe, and regards the lad gravely.

“Young man,” he says, “I think you should know that my daughter has acute angina.”

“Oh, I know that, sir,” says the boy. “She’s got nice tits, too!”

354

Four nuns are taking a train trip together. One is hard of hearing, so she sits across from the other three doing her knitting while they talk about their gardens.

Putting her hands a good twelve inches apart, the first of the three says “My cucumbers were this long this year!”

Using her thumb and middle finger to form a circle three inches across, the second says “My carrots were this big around!”

Cupping both hands together, the third says “And my tomatoes were this big!”

At which point the deaf nun leans forward and says “Father who? Father who?”

355

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time…

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I’m thinking of buying a Labrador.”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

356

Doctor to girl: Now miss, take off your shirt and lie down on the table there.
Girl: (Hesitates, giggles)
Doctor: What’s the matter? Have you never been examined before?
Girl: Of course I have been examined before, but never by a doctor!

357

Italian girl making out in a rental car,crying out “It’s a Hertz”
Young boy,“Grandpa, can you make a noise like a frog?”
“sure son, why?”
“well, I heard mommy tell daddy that when grandpa croaks, we"ll go to Disneyland”.

358

Hear about the new Italian brand of tires?

Dago through rain!

Dago through snow!

Dago through slush!

When dago flat, dago wop-wop-wop!

359

Ever smell mothballs? Yes?

How did you get their little legs apart? :dubious:
How does a Frenchwoman hold her liquor?

By the ears! :stuck_out_tongue:

360

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their new sex life would go, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Maxwell House”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the coffee can. It read: “Good till the last drop.” Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Niagara Falls a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the pack:“Extra Long to last long. King Size.” Again, she was slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words “British Airways.” Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and nothing. Frustrated, she went to the nearest travel agency and finally found a big poster for British Airways. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.” Mom fainted.

361

Why do blonde chicks have bruises around their belly buttons?

Because blond guys are dumb too!