Got A Beer Complaint? Tell Me All About It! The MMP


One of the joys of my new found employment is a thing called the “Monthly Update” meeting. It’s about twenty minutes of listenin’ to the Unit Manager go on and on and on about goals, operations, efficiency and for all I know his appendectomy scar cause I tend to tune most of it out, as do my co-workers. Oh well, I get paid extra to sit there and pretend to listen so sit and pretend I do. One part of this is a review of customer complaints for the past month. See, those funky little numbers on the bottom of your beer can can reveal which brewery and which line produced said beer.

Thus Endeth The Backstory

After sittin’ through a “Monthly Update” last week, some co-workers and I were carryin’ on about customer complaints. I came up with a few possible answers to some of the complaints and it was agreed that Miller should hire me to handle their customer complaint line cause I am just a natural at resolvin’ customer complaints! Really. Here’s a few examples of what I could do.

Complaint Number One: The beer made me sick

Consumer: I was drinkin’ me some beer last night and I got sick.

Me: I’m so sorry! Did you feel alright while you were drinkin’ the beer?

C: Yep.

M: Did you go to sleep after drinkin’ the beer?

C: Yep.

M: Did you feel sick when you woke up after sleepin’?

C: Yep.

M: Well, there’s your problem then. Sleepin’ makes you sick! Next time just stay up all night drinkin’ beer and you’ll be fine.

C: That sounds like a reasonable idea! Thank you Miller Complaint Man!

M: You’re welcome. Remember a twelve pack a day keeps the doctor away.

Complaint Number Two: The beer tastes funny

C: I bought me some Miller beer and it tasted funny, at first.

M: Yeah, I agree sometimes those first couple do. Here’s my advice… chug those first two or three beers. They’ll numb your tastebuds and then you won’t have problems with funny tastin’ beer.

C: Wow! What a great idea! Thank you Miller Complaint Man!

M: You’re welcome. Remember, if you stay up all night drinkin’ beer you won’t get sick from sleepin’!

Complaint Number 3: Empty Cans

C: I bought me a case of Miller beer and put it in my cooler. I was reachin’ in to get me another cold one and I got me an empty can.

M: Hmmm… let’s see if we can figure this out. How many beers had you already consumed when you noticed this?

C: I dunno, ten, maybe twelve.

M: I see… it could be that the can you thought was empty before you opened it you had actually already emptied cause, you know, sometimes after that tenth or so beer one tends to forget if the one you’re drinkin’ on is full or empty already. I’ll bet that’s what happened!

C: Well, I was feelin’ pretty wasted at the time so I reckon I coulda done that. Sorry for complainin’.

M: No need to apologize, sir. We all get a little forgetful after so many beers sometimes.

Complaint Number 4: Mixed Beer In A Case

C: I bought me a case of my favorite Miller beer and there was two of some other kinda beer in it.

M: Congratulations sir, you are now a part of a tastin’ control group for Miller Brewing!

C: Wha?

M: You see, sir, every x number of cases, we at Miller like to put in a can or two of one of our other fine products. It’s to give our wonderful customers, like you, a chance to sample some of our other fine products just to give you an idea that Miller could still meet your beer needs in case you ever find yourself getting’ tired of your particular favorite.

C: Hmmm… well, I did kinda like those two other beers. I might even buy me some of ‘em sometimes. Thank you for including me in your control group.

M: You’re quite welcome, sir. You sound like a man of discerning beer taste. Miller is proud to have you on its taste test team!

See, I’d be dang good at this! I got an answer for anything! One of my co-workers even went so far as to suggest startin’ an email campaign to corporate to get ‘em to give me the job of answerin’ the beer complaint line. It might have taken off but well, dinner break was almost over which meant we had to be gettin’ back to work, so nothin’ ever came of it. Still, I’d be good at it don’t y’all think?


Funny OP swampy!

I’m going to bed now, as it is 1:04 am here on the rock. School begins today, and I have to get the teens up and off, and then the rest of the day is all mine!!!

Have a great Monday everyone!

Up and caffeinating. Today is my long day, so I’ll check back in tonight when I come home.

swampy, if nothing else, you’d be better Salesman than the current crop of Miller ads. :smiley:

The OP has almost convinced me to try drinking a Miller next time I’m States-side.


Because I haven’t had enough beer yet to think this is actually, really a good idea…


(Nice OP :))

Happy Monday, everyone! (OK, so if I’m saying something oxy-moronic like that, maybe I have had one too many. In my defense, I did “Monday” yesterday. Wait, that sounds even crazier, doesn’t it…? :smack: )

Bleh. Moose piss, I say. Moose piss.

I’m sure swampy will have an appropriate answer for your complaint as well.

Funny OP, swampy.

I’m up, caffeinating, and hoping to be out the door in about 1/2 an hour. I can do it!! (Right?)


Great & funny OP, Swampy! Thanks for making me smile first thing on Monday morning. :slight_smile: I’m up, caffeinating, but am running late for work :eek:

Happy Monday all! More later today.

Swampy, why are you working for a brewery, when it’s obvious your calling in comedy!?

All I have to say is, You can make me rise, but I refuse to shine. Is it time for my nap yet?
I have stuff to do today, but I don’t want to. None of it is fun and I’m still sleepy.
I guess I’ll have a little whine, instead of coffee this morning.

Very good MMP, Swampus! I wonder, is your beer cheaper than the $9 beers I was drinkin’ at the basaball game? It wasn’t Miller, it was Shiner Bock, but $9??? I was shocked I tell ya. It’s only fair to mention it was 24 ounces, but still… It was “Retire Jeff Bagwell’s Jersey” day, and it was lots of fun! Surprisingly, the Astros even won!

So Saturday Mr Rebo and I cleaned the house from top to bottom, and it’s gleaming! So hopefully it won’t be too dirty when we get back from Florida. I did mention we’re going to Daytona, didn’t I? :smiley: Only five days to go. Whee!

So remember, I’m up for MMP duty on Monday Sep 17, when I will regale you with wild tales of drunken debauchery - and pictures!

See ya around!

Bluurf. Morning, y’all. Vertical (barely), ventilating, and caffeination underway.

Swamps, I saw where your bunch o’ Whiskeypalians sang a real hymn. :cool: :wink: I still say your Customer Line needs to give out beer-butt chicken recipes.

I did 2 ambulance shifts this weekend, and both calls involved blood. A GI bleeder, and an old guy on blood thinners who fell and hit his head on a door frame. He bled like a stuck pig, and we could not get it to stop. What a mess. Unfortunately, no funny stories out of either run.

Yesterday’s shift was with LorraineTheBabe, so the scenery was quite good. :wink:

This is supposed to be a boring week. Nothing spectacular at work, and the only unusual event is the pre-op appointment on Thursday for the excision of the baby alien from my right hand next week.

Dear Mr Miller Answer Man
Every time I drink beer, I get drunk. How can I avoid this?
signed Middle Aged guy in undershirt

I knew it! :eek:

Hah! rosie has finally revealed her (his?) true self!

I think you should be promoted to Complaint Guy for sure. You have a natural gift for it.

Yawn. Awake, need tea.

I love it, oh great hairy one! You be better ‘n Ann Landers, bless her heart.

I am now convinced I must have been a real shit in my former life. Why else would I be spending so much time cleaning up poo? If y’all were payin attention last week, the stoopit chihuahua had the trots. She’s much better now, (thnx doggio), but the stoopit pug has come down with the same thing…which leads me to believe that it is some sort of bug. So, unfortunately, there have been a few accidents when one of the girls wasn’t able to get outside for a proper toilette, hence the cleaning up of poo. I can only say, thank Og for travertine. :stuck_out_tongue:

To make matters worse, it seems poor Grandma is suffering from the human variety of the same thing. When I went by on Saturday, she had gone through all her undies and bedding. Le Sigh… So I fixed her up with some Immodium and some Depends and hauled the laundry to my house for several rounds in the washer. Luckily she was a tad better yesterday and I got her all fixed up with clean clothes and bedding. My sister will be dropping by today to make sure she’s still on the mend.

On the up side, the pool, she is finished and Mr. Anachi did a whirlwind landscaping job. It is just faaaaaaaaaaabulous!!! as the bear would say. Now I gotta go buy some plastic dishes and glasses.

That is all.


Morning, all. Great OP, oh mighty Beer Complaint Man! You definitely missed your calling. I sure hope you get to answer that line someday; you’ll sure cheer people up, which they probably need after drinking that moose piss. :smiley:

It’s a beyoootiful morning here – the sun is shining and the birds are gurgling. (My favorite line lifted from English As She Is Spoke, the best English phrasebook ever) I have about half an hour to finish caffeinating and then I have to take Papa Tigs off to his appointment for his neck injection. Poor Papa Tigs, he can’t have any coffee. :frowning: But that’s okay, I’ll drink enough for him. :smiley:

Have fun getting the young 'uns off to school, kai – that first day of school is always SO lovely as a parent, isn’t it? :smiley:

Can I come swim in your pool, Pugs? :wink: Good on you for taking care of Grandma and her laundry, though. I know she’s glad to have you nearby, especially since you’re so good to her.

Off to finish caffeinating. Later, all!

Great OP, Swampbeer! Now y’see, what about this? I found myself forced to drink a Miller product at gunpoint (I dropped my cyanide pill. I know, I know) and I found a human finger in it! And some chili! How do you explain that?

Right. So, I was relatively absent from the last MMP. (I’m sure the possibility exists, however remote, that someone noticed) Besides being pretty busy at work and having lost track of the MMP after a couple of days, which made me despair trying to catch up, that abscess came back. My dumbassed fault really. I ought to know better than to stop treatment just because the symptoms have pretty much disappeared. I need to keep up with the ministrations until it’s gone completely and then some. I made sure of that this time. I’m still treating it, just to be sure. Overkill is better than under in such cases.

So, ‘til the last week of August, and my last week before I take my week’s vacation. Thanks to Labour Day, I’ll be off for a total of 10 glorious days, from Saturday through the following weekend and the Monday thereafter. Bouncing my vacation off a long weekend is nice. :slight_smile: I don’t plan on going anywhere significant, just relaxin’ and stuff around the city, catching up on some stuff I don’t get to do much of the rest of the time, that sort of thing.

For now, I’m caffeinated, I’ve had my breakfast (Chick pea salad – which is a nice blend of chick peas, kidney, navy and pinto beans, onions, peppers, parsley and an oil and vinegar-based dressing) and I’m feelin’ pretty good overall. I’ve caught up on my sleep, so I’m good to go.

I haven’t had beer in years. No complaints from me…

I need to tackle the yard again, but most of me wants to sit on my ass and just veg.


I thought that needed to be shared. <does tiny Snoopy dance>

That sounds dangerously close to Texas Caviar…

mmmm…Texas Caviar. I need to make that again. I just got Ma’s recipe for that. LOVE me some Texas Caviar.

It sounds like I might like this Texas Caviar. Does it involve couscous?