One of the joys of my new found employment is a thing called the “Monthly Update” meeting. It’s about twenty minutes of listenin’ to the Unit Manager go on and on and on about goals, operations, efficiency and for all I know his appendectomy scar cause I tend to tune most of it out, as do my co-workers. Oh well, I get paid extra to sit there and pretend to listen so sit and pretend I do. One part of this is a review of customer complaints for the past month. See, those funky little numbers on the bottom of your beer can can reveal which brewery and which line produced said beer.
Thus Endeth The Backstory
After sittin’ through a “Monthly Update” last week, some co-workers and I were carryin’ on about customer complaints. I came up with a few possible answers to some of the complaints and it was agreed that Miller should hire me to handle their customer complaint line cause I am just a natural at resolvin’ customer complaints! Really. Here’s a few examples of what I could do.
Complaint Number One: The beer made me sick
Consumer: I was drinkin’ me some beer last night and I got sick.
Me: I’m so sorry! Did you feel alright while you were drinkin’ the beer?
M: Did you go to sleep after drinkin’ the beer?
M: Did you feel sick when you woke up after sleepin’?
M: Well, there’s your problem then. Sleepin’ makes you sick! Next time just stay up all night drinkin’ beer and you’ll be fine.
C: That sounds like a reasonable idea! Thank you Miller Complaint Man!
M: You’re welcome. Remember a twelve pack a day keeps the doctor away.
Complaint Number Two: The beer tastes funny
C: I bought me some Miller beer and it tasted funny, at first.
M: Yeah, I agree sometimes those first couple do. Here’s my advice… chug those first two or three beers. They’ll numb your tastebuds and then you won’t have problems with funny tastin’ beer.
C: Wow! What a great idea! Thank you Miller Complaint Man!
M: You’re welcome. Remember, if you stay up all night drinkin’ beer you won’t get sick from sleepin’!
Complaint Number 3: Empty Cans
C: I bought me a case of Miller beer and put it in my cooler. I was reachin’ in to get me another cold one and I got me an empty can.
M: Hmmm… let’s see if we can figure this out. How many beers had you already consumed when you noticed this?
C: I dunno, ten, maybe twelve.
M: I see… it could be that the can you thought was empty before you opened it you had actually already emptied cause, you know, sometimes after that tenth or so beer one tends to forget if the one you’re drinkin’ on is full or empty already. I’ll bet that’s what happened!
C: Well, I was feelin’ pretty wasted at the time so I reckon I coulda done that. Sorry for complainin’.
M: No need to apologize, sir. We all get a little forgetful after so many beers sometimes.
Complaint Number 4: Mixed Beer In A Case
C: I bought me a case of my favorite Miller beer and there was two of some other kinda beer in it.
M: Congratulations sir, you are now a part of a tastin’ control group for Miller Brewing!
M: You see, sir, every x number of cases, we at Miller like to put in a can or two of one of our other fine products. It’s to give our wonderful customers, like you, a chance to sample some of our other fine products just to give you an idea that Miller could still meet your beer needs in case you ever find yourself getting’ tired of your particular favorite.
C: Hmmm… well, I did kinda like those two other beers. I might even buy me some of ‘em sometimes. Thank you for including me in your control group.
M: You’re quite welcome, sir. You sound like a man of discerning beer taste. Miller is proud to have you on its taste test team!
See, I’d be dang good at this! I got an answer for anything! One of my co-workers even went so far as to suggest startin’ an email campaign to corporate to get ‘em to give me the job of answerin’ the beer complaint line. It might have taken off but well, dinner break was almost over which meant we had to be gettin’ back to work, so nothin’ ever came of it. Still, I’d be good at it don’t y’all think?
HAPPY MONDAY EVERYBODY!