The OP reminds me of something I wish I had understood better before I had kids. M Scott Peck in The Road Less Travelled discusses “delayed gratification” which is the “process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with”. He feels that the ability to do this is the cornerstone of adult living, the very definition of responsibility. He stresses that it is not only important to set these limits for yourself, you should also set the same limits for your children.
I would strongly recommend reading the book, you don’t even have to finish it. The first 40 pages or so outline Peck’s philosophy and you may find it very encouraging about the way you are thinking.
BobbyRoberts please don’t equate my experience with other peoples’ grasps of responsibility ( or lack of it), yours. Not only are you sidetracking this thread, you are making a mountain out of a molehill.
maybe because it is getting worse? (I’ve noticed it, FOR ME!)
Surely you jest. I’m willing to bet our parents were a lot more responsible than we were.
Sorry, but I disagree. And I am leaving it at that. My comment still stands and you can continue to let it annoy you. Or not. I don’t care.
What I do care about is the outcome of this story.
the only comment I would make is that I think you missed the boat in some respects in not emphasizing the importance of her schoolwork and grades.
By not making her do her project or at the least not allowing her to “go play” or watch TV or something until it was done, you in some respects are showing her that obedience is more important than the actual schooling.
The problem is that kids are very quick to understand that someone is trying to force their authority on them but very slow to understand the “whys” behind that authority.
Some folks have mentioned project management. I think that the distinction needs to be made between talking about planning and actually providing or creating a planning model. I’ve been in similar situations with my son, and I swear that the next time that I see a big project coming up, we will fill out a run chart complete with dates on the X-axis and major steps on the Y-axis. Realistically, he likes to do things his own way, so I’ll be glad to see what sort of a planning method he comes up with.
Don’t take this as a ‘grading’ of your parenting though; God knows that I’m no expert.
My Little Angels teacher sent home the assignment sheet, the assignment rubric (sic), and a letter.
The assignment was to pick a famous person from the assigned state and create a project that provided some information on that person. The assignment sheet suggested some possibilities were a diorama, a puppet, or some other three dimensional project (I guess ruling out posters, etc). Although ambiguous about the nature of the final product, the assignment was very clear in that the project should present some information about the subject. MLAs subject was Richard Hutson. An interesting choice - I wonder where she got the name because she knew nothing about him. (asterion: She didn’t know Strom Thurmond either - I asked just in case :D)
MLAs grade in total: 54 / 100. An F.
The letter home stated most of her troubles completing assignments in school are social in nature - meaning that she’s spending too much time whispering and passing notes with her friends rather than paying attention. Also, instead of doing her work she’ll focus more on the doodling on the edge of her paper. So instead of turning in a completed page at the end of class, she’ll turn in a 1/2 - 3/4 completed page covered in doodles.
The teacher said she sees no reason to allow extra-credit until the kid can get done what is already assigned. I agree. We’ll have to wait and see what the final impact on her grade is, but that’s that.
So, we capped it off with a “discussion”, the kind you may remember from your youth. Sitting in a room with your two parents after receiving a seriously bad grade. The inevitable lecture and possibly some horrible punishment.
The lecture was on responsibility. My job is A, your mothers job is B. If we fail to satisfy those responsibilities the consequences are X and Y. But look at all the good things that happen because we do satisfy them. So we’ve set her responsibilities: All school work must be turned in on time, and doodle free. We expect all of the assignment to be satisified.
MLA has previously enjoyed her own TV and VCR/DVD combo. We have taken those back, until she demonstrates she can handle those responsibilties. Once she does, not only will we give her back her TV, we’ll give her a phone as well (she’s really wanted a phone). She’ll be able to keep those for as long as she can handle her school work.
To address a couple of the other comments which have been made:
Having seen the assignment, I have to say that I think my wife was spot on with this requirement. Know something about the subject of your project before you begin. Also, I feel that I did expect the best by not sitting on her to do the project, and I don’t see where I was looking for a problem - I didn’t get involved until bed-time the night before the project was due. You disagree?
I expect the F itself to emphasize the importance of schoolwork and grades, in addition to the “you have to work for it” mentality I’m trying to set up with the phone and TV. Not sure about your second sentence - I don’t follow how I’m emphasizing obedience over schooling? Unless you’re referring to “not giving her the sock”, in which case see above.
I don’t see where Aeschines is coming from, either.
I have to wonder about
I realize it is probably the most over diagnosed condition in the US, but is there any chance Little Angel Beelzebubbette is ADD? Or, that other over diagnosed condition, a bored, budding, genius?
Just because she doesn’t want to pay attention in class doesn’t mean she is ADD. It takes an attention span to remain a part of a social conversation. The problem is more likely that she is an extroverted child, who prefers thinking emotionally rather than logically, who prefers to be spontaneous than scheduled. It is just my opinion, but all I see here is parents of one personality type trying to raise a child of an opposite type. Certain people value certain things - some people value hard work, some people value freedom. They are not mutually exclusive. Regardless, I think he did the right thing. Even if his daughter is the type who values action and freedom rather than respect and responsibility, she needs to learn to live in the world the way it is.
I don’t think it’s either of those. She can certainly concentrate, as she demonstrates with her own personal projects (you should see her crochet!), and she’s not sitting around solving quadratic equations in her spare time. Neither genius nor illness, I’m afraid.
I think she’s just a kid who doesn’t really understand why we want her to do crazy things like look up 200-year dead people and make a puppet out of them. As such, she has trouble motivating herself to do it. I can’t say I don’t understand her point of view
Heck, I still don’t see the point of half the crap I did/do in school. Oooh, my science fair projects. Those taught me the value of stupid cardboard backboards in modern society.
Still, she has to learn that you have to put in the time and get decent grades. If nothing else, it makes life much easier.
Your daughter sounds a lot like me in school, Beelzebubba. I was a bright student, but I did get bored at times, and I did like to hum to myself and talk to other kids. I also liked to put off assignments until the last minute. I had a mom who did for me what you are doing for your daughter, and it was what I needed. A parent who had let me get away with my lollygagging would not have been good for me in the long run. I think I learned just the way your daughter is learning - I got a bad grade in school (very unusual for me), and it humiliated me. My mom was also not pleased - she knew I could do better, and didn’t let me off the hook for a minute. As it is now, I have finally learned to do things your way - I get on them right away, not letting them sit and fester in my conscience.
Most people value both. I didn’t say she was ADD. I just asked because I know from experience that it does actually exist and is best found early. I also agree he probably did the right thing.
I realize you are being facetious, but you have only yourself to blame if you learned no more than that. The whole point is pretty much to investigate something that interests you.
I have been told that I was the classic, underachieving child. For all practical purposes, I did no homework. I also seem to have grown up in a time that required far fewer projects. Some project management skills and some study habits would have served me well, when I got to graduate and suddenly needed some.
