I got a phone call from my wife just a while ago. It seems my first grade age son left his poster at home this morning. He worked on it all week and it was due today. My wife had the car keys in hand and was about to leave to take it to school for him. She said she really wanted to go, but wouldn’t this be a good lesson for him to learn? Espacially now, in first grade when grades aren’t all that. I agreed, although I felt bad because I know how my boy is going to feel, since I did the same thing throughout grade school. I want him to learn the lesson, but I don’t want him to repeat the mistake.
I hope he learns. This was the first thing the teacher actually was going to grade. So it means he’ll drop one level (a 3 instead of a 4, I think). He’ll be upset, I hope not for long, and maybe he’ll learn.
Maybe I’m mis-reading, but are you saying that he’ll being dropped an entire educational track (from AP to normal ) because he doesn’t have this with him…and you want to teach him a lesson? Make him cut the lawn, clean his room, ground him, take away his DS…but don’t put him on a lower rung of the educational ladder at grade 1. He’ll never catch up.
Remember that guy who said you’d have doubled the amount of money in your IRA at retirement if you had started your contributions at age 20 instead of age 30? Or that other guy who said you could shave years off your mortgage by adding an extra $100 a month to be applied towards principal? Education is an investment in his future. ‘Punishment’ shouldn’t have life-long negative consequences.
I have a 7 year old and 11 year old and have definitely been in situations like this. You would be hurting him more than helping him if you do not bring this poster to him. I consider myself as a pretty strict parent, but I am also Dad, you know, the guy that is there when you need him. I don’t want my son or daughter to ever think they could not count on me when they are in trouble, especially for the little things, which this is.
If they do not think they can count on me for the little things while young, how are they going to count on me for the big things when they are older? As Count Blucher stated, make them clean their room, take away distractions (TV, etc.), do something to teach responsiblity.
I woulda taken it, and then I would’ve worked out something with the kid to pay me for my time. “It took me 45 minutes to drive this to you,” I’d say. “So that means you need to do 45 minutes of work for me.”
I think you did exactly the right thing. Perfect. He’s learning from the natural consequences of his own actions, which are a far better teacher than you or your wife or his teachers can ever be.
Don’t be a hardass when he gets home. The flip-side of this parenting technique is that you never, ever have to be the bad guy. Be honest with him, tell him how much you love him, and that you totally sympathize. Tell him about a time you left your homework at home and how you felt when it happened.
Then ask him what he’s going to do to get himself out of this pickle. Don’t suggest anything at first, see if he has any ideas. Only if he seems really stuck, do you offer: “You know, sometimes when I didn’t know what to do, I’d ask my dad for help. Do you want to ask me for advice right now?” Then you can make any suggestions you have, perhaps something like, “I know you’re really proud of your work, and you really wanted to show people what you’d done. You could take your project to Grandma’s house this weekend and show her, and then turn it in on Monday for a partial grade.” or “You could turn it in on Monday and ask the teacher if there is extra work you could do to help your grade.” or “You could work extra hard on homework next time to make up your grade for the term.” or “You could drown your sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and watch Spanish melodramas - seems to work for your mom.” Then let him choose what to do, even if it’s not your first choice.
The good thing about learning this when you’re a young parent is that teeny-tiny kids make teeny-tiny choices with teeny-tiny consequences, and they learn from them. I didn’t wake up until sixth grade and my kid and I had developed some pretty ingrained bad habits by then, and his choices were leading to much bigger consequences.
Bullshit. First of all, you’re misreading. But second of all, you’re wrong. The kid is not going to suffer for his entire academic career because of one late project in first grade. The kid may indeed suffer for his entire academic career if he learns mom and dad are going to bail him out and nothing he does or doesn’t do is important. None of those other consequences are going to do anything other than teach him than mom and dad are meanies who kick him when he’s down.
EVEN IF this were the difference between passing and repeating grade 1, I still think the OP made the right choice. It’s far less traumatic, emotionally, socially and academically, to repeat grade 1 than grade 5, and if the kid is so borderline that his actions are putting him in danger of retention, than better he be retained early, and better that it be crystal clear to him why he’s being retained so he can choose to change his behavior.
But Left Hand of Dorkness does present another good option. I have that agreement with my son for repeated oopses. The first time though, he’s got to take the consequences so he knows whether or not it’s worth paying me for.
Let me be a little clearer. After he comes up with a plan for what to do about this pickle, my son and I talk about how to prevent it from recurring in the future. One of the options I list, if he asks me for advice, is that he can pay me to be a messenger if I’m available. It’s still his choice.
Some other prevention possibilities might be:
Put the project by the door the night before so you have to trip over it to leave.
Put a magnet on the outside door or car door to remind myself “I have something that won’t fit in my bag that needs to come to school with me today”.
Check your assignment book every morning before walking out the door to make sure you have everything.
Write down a list of what you need to have with you when you leave and check things off.
Write a sticky note and put it on the mirror in the bathroom so you see it in the morning.
Sorry. I think you dropped the ball on this one. The child didn’t do it intentionally, he forgot. What are you trying to teach him? Mom and Dad won’t be there to help you when you need them? He worked on a project all week and you will allow him to be embarrassed and ashamed in front of his teacher and classmates because of a lesson that I don’t think is age appropriate for a six or seven year old.
I am sitting in front of this computer and my heart is half breaking for the poor kid.
Let’s start out by saying kids are different, parents are different and whatever lever you use to influence their world outlook is different. I think the OP is talking about a B instead of an A grade for being late.
As the father of a 6 year old first grader in an educational system likely far more stringent than your child’s (China bambina has to learn 10 chinese characters per day)., I wrestle with this on an on going basis
My fall back is that China Bambina responds much better to postive reinforcement and pretty much blows of negative feedback. And it takes decades if not longer to become who we are. I’m not of the school of hard knocks for a 6 year old and think that one little incident is going to turn 'em around or teach a life long lesson. Sheesh, don’t spoil the kiddies but don’t go overboard and expect a 6 year old to be an adult.
The other thing I would say is that it absolutely is the parent’s responsibility to help the little one remember important things. Christ, they have little concept of time or days. Thursday means jack shit to a 6 year old, unless that’s the one day a week they get ice cream. You are their partner. Obviously from the OP you didn’t, but did Mom give a hint or reminder this morning as the kid was getting ready. “Do you have something important” or “tell me when your art project was due.”
As I type this response, I find that if (and I don’t know if you did) you didn’t act as a partner to your kid and and at least point in the right direction a couple of times, then I would think your action was that of a king sized jerk. Apologies and all if you did proactively help out this morning, but if you didn’t then I don’t think you handled it correctly.
Let’s put it in this in a work context. Your boss gives you a big project due on friday. You get it done bgreat, miss the deadline and your boss misses his numbers for the month and looks like a dickweed to his boss. No one gets fired, client doesn’t get pissed off, but your boss still loses avoidable credibility. If he had a head’s up, he could have massaged some expectations and no big deal. Does your boss have a milestone or check point, does he ask you a day or two before the deadline how’s it going, do you need help, do I need to update my boss? Or does he wait for a surprise from you that you’ve dropped the ball during the review meeting and he looks like a complete dork in front of his management? Who’s at fault? IMHO, it’s the manager that did do a simple check.
I can actually remember the time I forgot my bag at home for the first time. It had all the books I needed at school, it had my lunch and it also had some homework that was due. I can remember crying at school because I didn’t want to get into trouble and crying because I also didn’t have any food to eat for lunch.
Boy did I learn my lesson that day. I can honestly say with a straight face that I turned out to be one of the most responsible students in school (close to never being late for ANYTHING unless there was something terribly wrong) because of that event. It was traumatic not having anything and feeling totally screwed because of my own forgetfullness.
Granted I can’t recall phoning my parents for help, so the situation in the OP is slightly different, but I do remember one very nice teacher who knew I was a good kid and gave me a part of her lunch to help out. It was a looong terrible day except for that helpful gesture from a teacher. Then again I can’t say one way or the other if your kid will react the same way as I did or if it will just spiral out of control. I’ve known kids who did legitmately forget their homework and not care at all about the lost marks whereas in the opposite spectrum theres kids like me who get truly devastated and then each kid deals with the devastation in a different way.
I would totally have taken it. He’s only in FIRST grade for heaven’s sake. I’ll bet you didn’t even have homework when you were in first grade. My son is in second grade and I still feel it’s my responsibility to pack up his backpack and discuss its contents every day. He’s only in trouble when something is in the backpack and I’ve told him it’s there and he hasn’t looked for it and that causes a problem. I still think it’s my responsibility to get whatever he needs out the door. He’s in a 2nd and 3rd grade multiage class and the teachers are working on getting the 2nd graders a little more self-reliant, but it seems that my method is the expected one for recent first graders.
I think you were too harsh. The kid is six, for crying out loud. He’s lucky he can tie his shoes. The kid worked hard on it all week, showing he was taking it seriously.
Time enough when he’s older (10-11-12) to learn to remember his homework. I think the punishment was way out of line. It’s not like he didn’t bother to do the work at all. He did it, it was done, and he probably just had a brain fart this morning. Didn’t you ever leave the house for work and forget your lunch/briefcase/gym bag/whatever?
If I were you, I’d take the work in to the teacher and let her/him know your son did do the work. Then, I’d work with your boy to make sure he puts all of his stuff in one place so the morning so he can just grab it and go.
I probably would have done the same. It depends on the kid & the situation. I told a similar story a couple years back (which you posted in) about my daughter. I’ll give you the update so you can see where it led for us. Of course, YMMV -
She didn’t end up learning what I’d hoped from that specific experience, because of the way it played out with the teacher. But, as the years have gone on & there have been similar incidents, and good grades have been rewarded while bad grades have been punished, she’s become a very good student. She’s diligent about her homework, gets her projects completed on time, and gets good grades. She’s in the eighth grade now, and got all A’s & B’s on her last report card.
For those of you saying “The kid learns mommy & daddy won’t help.” - that’s not what my kid learned. She learned that her school work is her responsibility; life is good when it’s done & not so good when it’s not. She knows when something is beyond her ability or control that her mother & I will help her, because when she needs us we’re there. But for things that are within her ability & control, we’ll let the scars of learning happen.
My biggest concern is that I was very much like this in school, heck, all the way to college. And I find it especially difficult to see my kids make the same stupid mistakes I did. I’d like to try and help him change, be better than I was (or am, really). And I know he’s just in first grade, he’s just a little boy and this probably will make him upset and I don’t like that either. But this is a minor minor thing, it’s a poster of a plant for first grade that he painted and labeled. Even if he gets really upset, and I can’t decide how mad he might be, there’s really no harm, just a little reduction in his grade. Maybe that will impress upon him the importance of trying to remember all his stuff. His mom and I do what we can in the morning, but, frankly, we have a lot of that “oops I forgot it” too. So, we’re in the position of having to “do as I say not as I do”. Which sucks.
Anyway. I’m still not happy about my choice. It’s the tough love thing, right? They don’t call it “tough” cause it’s easy, yeah?
Nope. You’re in the position of, “You know son, I realize that this is a problem a lot of people have. Heck, your mom and I have the same problem sometimes. Good people sometimes forget things, and while it makes it hard, it doesn’t mean you’re dumb or bad. None of us are perfect. But it is something we all should work on. What do you think we could do as a family to help us all remember things better? Should we talk with Mom about it, too?”
You never know, sometimes they have awesome ideas if you give them a chance to express them and take them seriously.
China Guy, I think your manager analogy fails because I don’t consider myself the manager for my kids homework. I work with him on his homwwork if he has questions, I restrict TV until himework is done, I’m more of a coordinator. Or something. The poster was finished and ready to go, it just got left on the table.
I will say that in the future, ivylass’s suggestion will be my preferred method. Get all the stuff together so all of it can be grabbed as we go out the door. I will accept responsibility for that, not that I’m trying to dodge it anyway.
Caricci, you are obviously a very involved, caring parent. Have you ever heard the term “helicopter parent”? Be careful as the kid gets older.
I’m with WhyNot on this one. Especially if he calls you on it, but even if he doesn’t.
True enough. Although, I’d make sure you explain to him WHY you didn’t bring him the project. Don’t just leave him to reason it out for himself. Sit him down & talk to him. The old “Do you think I want you to fail? Of course I don’t, but you have to pass. It’s your responsibility” speech. And, for more unsolicited advice, keep the conversation a dialogue rather than a lecture. Get his input. If he disagrees with you, find out why & really listen to him and address his points.
Yeah, but you know what? He’s six. It’s not like he can turn the car around and drive back and get the homework. The responsibility must be age appropriate. I mean, if the kid has a science fair project, you’re not going to make her go all around town by herself to get the supplies, right?
Give the kid a break. There is a better way to ease into the responsibility thing than “You worked hard on it all week but oops! Too bad, so sad!” I think the “Daddy had to take 45 minutes to get you this homework. I think you need to do XYZ for 45 minutes” would be better.
Help him learn, don’t punish him first time out the gate.
I believe I addressed that in the text you quoted. Driving is obviously beyond her ability or control.
Is this the first time out of the gate? If he has a history of being forgetful (and when he’s six you’ve had time to figure that out) then I probably would have done the same. If he’s been diligent & responsible for his entire life, then probably not. That’s why I said It depends on the kid & the situation.
Then let him choose what to do, even if it’s not your first choice.