Great new laws people actually WANT

New legislation that is way overdue. A few to start us off…

  1. Anything the dentist does to you, afterwards you can do it to the dentist.

  2. For people in a movie theater who talk to their friends all the way through… normal restrictions concerning homicide shall not apply.

  3. All phones shall be fitted with a small red button. Whenever you dial a ‘help’ line you have paid for the privilege of using, and you get a time-wasting maze of irrelevant options plus a ‘You are 97th in line’ message, you press the red button and whoever installed that system gets dropped naked in a bath full of cactuses. Cacti, whatever.

  4. It shall be illegal to be involved in the creation or production of any ‘new’ Star Trek franchises. Enough is enough.

  5. All puppets on kids’ TV shows must achieve reasonably decent lip-sync. A lazy, careless open-and-shut movement is not good enough.

  6. Effective for at least the next 10 years: no CD by any artist may be advertised as “stunning”, or as a “stunning debut”. Enough is enough.

  7. Stores which price everything as something “.99” shall be forced to cease and desist.

  8. (for Brits only) Compulsory MOTs for all shopping trolleys.

Any other offers?

[li]Stupidity should be a punishable offense.[/li]
[li]People with extremely loud car stereos should be forced to listen to Yoko Ono’s singing or elevator music (whichever is most offensive) in a sealed telephone booth.[/li]
[li]People who talk on cell phones at nice restaurants should be force fed the instrument whole.[/li]
People who paint their houses neon day-glow colors should have their bodies painted in a similar shade.

It shall be legal - in fact, encouraged - to crucify mimes.

All right-wing politicians, once having left office, shall be required to spend at least five years supplying front line direct social services. The ministry does not count.

Anyone who uses the word “reify” outside of quotation marks shall be stripped naked and forced to stand on one foot for three weeks atop a stack of encyclopedias.

And all left-wing politicians show be required to get a real job in the real world. Not a CEO type job, but a blue collar job. On second thought make that all politicians of any type. I’d love to walk into a McD’s one day and see newt/clinton/bush saying "ya want cheese on that burger, sir?

Gay men who consider Stockwell Day “sexy” or “cute” shall be whacked in the head with a large trout until they recant.

All operas shall be banned unless they include a very fat woman with cone-shaped bustiers and a horned helmet, or if they end with nuns being guillotined.

Any person enabling, permitting, or acquiessing in any display of Christmas or related material, except between the dates of December 1 and January 15, shall be executed by being disemboweled with a RONCO product.

Actually it should be open season. But only if you use a silencer.

All children, at the onset of puberty, shall work in a daycare for 3 months, to learn how much work it is to care for a baby. Those that show any signs of mistreating a kid in their care shall immediately be neutered on the spot with a hacksaw and a rusty spoon, without benefit of anesthetic. Maybe this will slow down teen pregnancy.

The US Government shall not be able to exempt itself from any laws it passes. This included environmental laws, fair labor practice laws, and most importantly, accounting practices. Each department, branch, and agency shall be audited yearly by a major accounting and auditing agency, and the results published in terms a layman can understand.

Politicians campaign promises will be recorded, and their progress towards keeping them monitored through their term. Those running for re-election will be required to campaign with these promises and their record of completing them displayed prominently in their commercials or on the podium or dais where they speak.

All drivers of Sport Utility Vehicles will have “snow and slippery road condition” detectors built in to them. When such conditions are encountered, the engine computer will automatically limit their top speed to 30 mph (50 kph for metric dopers) on main roads and highways, and 10 mph (16 kph) for other streets. Yeah, 4wd lets you go fast through snow. It doesn’t make you stop any better, though.

One person in the country will receive $1 from every other person in the country. The recipient changes each year, until everyone’s had a turn. Since I came up with the idea, I’ll go first; you guys can argue about who goes next.

Ditto for vampire movies.

Actually, believe it or not, teen pregnancy rates are at their lowest since the 1940s! That means that those pretty little 50s chicks in poodle skirts were getting knocked up more than girls today! Hard to believe, but true. Perhaps fear of STDs has something to do with it.

The toll for entering the Lincoln Tunnel, Holland Tunnel or the GWB will be as follows.

5 Bucks for every empty seat in a passenger car. If you car is full of people you get in free. If you are driving a SUV by yourself into the city you will pay 25 bucks.

All schools will be properly maintained. Children will learn in an environment similar to the office of the mayor. (properly heated and airconditioned and safe)

Every car dealership will be offering electic cars within 2 years.

(actually there are supposed to be flying cars by now!)

No more dead people in commercials.

No putting the name of a dead guy in front of a TV show that he only worked on and discarded years ago. (Gene Roddenberry Andromeda?)

People should only give me gifts that actually have the ‘As seen on TV’ label on the box and not the ‘Similar to products Seen on TV’ label.


A high school diploma should mean something. Therefor a national standard shall be set for obtaining one. This standard shall be created by educational experts and not local idiots who have too much time on their hands so they get on a school board and then start banning books and evolution and whatever their little minds can’t grasp. The standard should mean that the person who receives one has the necessary life skills (math for a checking account etc) and educational background to obtain higher education in academics or technical training.