The owner is one taking the risk so you should respect them and do whatever they want you to in order to help the company succeed.
“We’re in this business for the long haul.” Translation: Watch your back, keep your bank account healthy and your resume up-to-date.
“We believe in teamwork.” Translation: Everybody in this office will try to fuck you up the ass at the first opportunity.
All work has dignity. No. . .no, it doesn’t.
Might be unique to my ex-boss, “One day, we’ll build at statue for you”.
This is impossible, because you do not get hired at all unless you generate surplus value. Either each employee earns less than the value of the work s/he does or the company can’t continue to operate.
The buyout will be good for us, its always better to be protected by merging with a big company.
If we work hard and become more efficient, no-one will take us over because we make so much profit we will be too expensive.
We are an equal opportunities employer.
We are here to serve you.
Our company’ commitment to you - we promise to …
At the bottom of every Standard Operating Procedure:
“If you have any questions on this matter, contact your local Supervision.”
Which is funny considering that Supervision is generally inconsistent about how they interpret rules, haven’t even read the SOP, or take your question as guilt and review security camera footage of you to see if you have been violating any rules (after all, why would you question it if you weren’t guilty?" :rolleyes:
You’re right. I guess I should’ve posted it in a thread about work myths instead of presenting it as a fact.
“The safety of our associates is our top priority.”
“Careers are under-rated.”
If you have a problem with something, go to Human Resources, they’re there to help you.
I think you just won the thread.
“Our people are our greatest asset”
No. You are actually interchangeable carbon blobs.
“We believe in Work, Life Balance.”
Yes. By filling up your personal life with quasi-mandatory happy hours, teambuilding events, fund raisers and other stuff you probably wouldn’t do on your own.
“I can’t give you that raise or promotion.”
Well…won’t then. Whatever.
“You are all here because you are the best and the brightest!”
…of the people who responded to the Monster.com ad.
“I’m going to be on a call for the next 2 hours.”
I don’t feel like working any more today so I’m going to hide in a conference room until happy hour.
(…because even then, you really shouldn’t call in sick.)
Phrases in your performance evaluation:
Strives to achieve company goals: Isn’t doing his fucking job.
Should seek mentoring for some phases of work: Isn’t getting a longevity raise this year.
Has a vibrant personality: Loudmouthed jerk.
Helps promote office morale: Wise-ass fucker gets on my nerves.
Interacts extensively with other employees: Bird-dogs the secretaries, and interrupts everybody else who is actually doing what they’re paid to do.
Has a unique approach to dealing with contractual issues: Has no fucking clue as to what he’s doing and will likely be fired in six months.
This isn’t a firing, you’re just being laid off. Once the market recovers, we’ll be in touch and see if you’re still available.
On that note, don’t believe the myth that the adults you work with will actually act like adults. Hell, many of them aren’t properly toilet-trained and can’t be trusted to be alone in a work kitchen.
I call them “Disposable employees” or “Breathing office furniture.”
There’s no limit to what you can achieve if you don’t care who gets the credit! :rolleyes:
(not being sarcastic… this is a motivational plaque I have seen more than once)
You’d think that a group of (insert job title here) would know better than to (insert “ironic” behavior here).
Still waiting.
That’s like saying slavery pays.
I deserve some ass slapping every night too but it ain’t happening.
Took me forever to find my current job, must have been doing something wrong.
You know Walmart can fire you now for Walmart bashing on Facebook or any other website? WTF?
You can’t enjoy your job unless it is your number one passion.
:rolleyes:
Your manager must have leadership and people skills, otherwise why would they be a manager?
Without work, your life would be meaningless.