Grieving - End of a relationship (long & mundane)

Featherlou - I agree entirely and that is why I did initiate ending the relationship. I’m just having a hard-time getting to the full acceptance of that mentally and emotionally (Understatement: See previous sentence.) Even though I know that, it is making it hard as the feelings I had for her just didn’t go away on break-up of course.


That’s what time is for. :slight_smile:

(You should bookmark this thread and pull it up whenever you feel like calling her.)

Fuck-o. Rough night, feeling beat up this morning.

I went out with a few friends last night to grab a bite to eat and then to a bar/club for a little dancing and fun. I didn’t try to meet anyone, just hung-out and had a good time.

I was proud of myself, I enjoyed myself and mostly felt really good. Then I got home and like a sucker-punch everything hit me. Had a rough night sleeping, dreams about her again. Woke up feeling like “No, no, no… get out of my fucking head!!”

Sorry, no response necessary - I’m just venting this morning.


Your breakup is very similar to how my college girlfriend and I broke up. We had been together for 5.5 years. Ultimately, I just knew it wasn’t meant to be, and we parted. It sucked for several months. Luckily, I started dating my wife about 6 months later, and we’ve now been married for over 5 years. You never know what opportunities will open for you as a result of this, but don’t lose heart. It will suck for a while, no doubt, but you will find someone else to fill that void in your heart soon enough. It may take a while…could be years, but this initial pain will start to fade long before that as long as you are committed to moving on.

Thanks Jman, it may have been inadvertant but it was a good reminder that it was better to have it end after 2 years than much later with even more invested in the relationship.

Hopefully this will begin to lessen more over the next month vs. the last couple.


So I contacted S through email.

(Stop throwing things at me dammit!)

There is a local technology professionals group on and a friend let me know about the group and a specific event they were promoting a couple weeks ago. It sounded very interesting to me, both the subject matter of the event and the group as a whole so I went onto and registered and signed up for the event.

After signing up for the event, I saw in the RSVP list my ex-girlfriend’s name. She had signed up on and this group about a week earlier and registered to attend the same event I was interested in. As my thread here indicates, I’m really not ready to deal with seeing her in public events, etc. so I ended up not attending.

So for the last couple weeks I’ve kept my eyes on this group. They host regular happy hour type events and I’ve been wanting to go to those events but that same fear of running into S has kept me from RSVP’ing or going.

Yesterday afternoon I emailed S and asked her if she planned on being active with this group, etc. I told her I also registered for the previous event but did not attend when I saw her name on the list. I told her I would like to become involved with this networking group but would not do so if she is going to become actively involved.

She responded late yesterday that she had just heard about the presentation being given and had registered to go to that event only. She did not end up going due to work. She said she did not plan to be active but she did not feel she had to say she would never attend one of their events out of deference to me. (I never said or indicated that was my request). She did say she understands that I do not want to see her right now but she hopes that changes in the future.

I did reply to her response letting her know that I did not ask her to say she would never attend one of their events and I was sorry if I gave her that impression. I did tell her that I would appreciate, as a courtesy, she let me know if she sees an event she wants to attend so that I can then make a decision for myself based upon my feelings at that time.

Then like a schmuck I kept typing - I don’t know why, perhaps to explain why I contacted her? To explain why it was an issue for me? Because I’m an idiot? (ding ding WINNER ding ding) I told her that since she did not have the same feelings for me as I had for her that I assume this break-up has been easier on her than me. That I further assume that she is probably further along in “moving on” than I am. I told her that I do still miss her and think of her often.

:smack: :smack: :smack: :smack:

So pop quiz time!

Michael went to bed in his hotel room (I’m on a business trip) last night and:

A.) Slept like a baby, waking rested and focused on his meetings today.
B.) Tossed and turned all night, not really able to get comfortable in a strange bed.
C.) Obsessively thought about S, her response, how much I missed her, and how afraid I am of whatever she may say in response to my last email. As a result, I barely got any rest last night and had to devote a LOT of energy during my meetings today to be focused and on-target.
D. B and C
E. None of the above.


That’s a no brainer, but I’ll answer anyway.

B and C.

Darn you!

I’ve disappointed Mom. Well, okay it is Rascal’s mom and not mine but still…

I know, stupid of me to do. I should have just avoided events until i was ready to deal with the possibility of seeing her. I should not have sent her an email and I definitely should not have tossed in the “moving on” or “miss her” parts at all.


I’m going to go with B and C, but then I’ve always liked a sure bet.

And I’m also going to tell you to cut yourself some slack. It’s out there. You can’t take it back. Kicking yourself isn’t going to fix anything. You may have to endure some shit thrown your way if she answers.

The healthiest thing for her would be NOT to answer your email. I’m going to guess that she probably will, though, if only to defend herself. If she does reply, for the love of all God’s little fuzzy ducks, don’t answer. You’re not going to get what you want. She’s not going to have some sort of emotional breakthrough and realize that she does love you and she was a fool all this time. It’s just not going to happen.

And come up with something to do instead of thrashing around in bed thinking about her. Organize your sock drawer. Start a matchstick sculpture of the Statue of Liberty. Write a letter to Penthouse. Watch a Bruce Willis movie with lots and lots of explosions in it. Something. Anything. Just stop lying there thinking about her.


I had intended to tell Mean Joe this very thing. And the rest of what phouka said is excellent advice also. Stay away from the computer when you are tired/intoxicated/sad. Just stay away.

Keep venting. We’re here to listen!:cool:

Harsh advice but I know it is the truth - thank you. Life is not an 80’s romantic comedy - the prom queen won’t be standing there waiting on the dance floor at the end of the night. It will be 2 months on Friday, I need to give up that tiny hope that she does miss me, that maybe she is working on her “issues” and will be able to really open up and give us another try. As I’ve said before, I logically know this, but it just doesn’t sink in deep enough to take hold. I’m working on it!


She probably does miss you. That doesn’t change anything. Okay, do we have any Ohio Dopers to come over and beat that into your head? :slight_smile:

Look, I’m really a bit fragile and not ready for that kind of thing just yet. Give me some time, then you can marshall all the Ohio (female) dopers who would like to come over to beat me with their various riding crops and whips… maybe some hand-cuffs… nipple clamps… uh…


Heh… g’night folks!