I generally don’t put out this kind of personal stuff here, but for the sake of my family I have a couple of questions that I would like input on. I would really like to hear from Dopers who have fought cancer or who have been close to someone who has fought cancer.
First some background information -earlier this year (Feb or March) my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. If you are going to have cancer, she had the type you want. The lump was very small and lymph nodes were all cancer free. She had an operation to remove the lump and also had radiation treatments. Over a decade ago, my sister fought breast cancer and she has been in remission for at least 10 years. A big thing for my sister was being in support groups - in fact she is still in a support group with other survivors of breast cancer.
My mother refuses to join a support group. She has said that it is depressing to have members of group die. She has also said that my sister is her support group. While my sister is supportive, she doesn’t feel that she alone can provide what my mother needs - never minding the fact that they are seperated by few thousand miles.
My questions are thus:
How important is it to be in a support group?
How common is it for sombody to avoid support groups?
My sister is getting frazzled since she has numerous things in her own life to deal with, and I am worried that my mother may be missing something important.
We recently lost a close relative of my husband’s to cancer, so I can see what you’re going through. If she doesn’t want to join a support group, she should at least get a counselor to talk to. This way, she can have someone to confide in that is close by. This can be important.
Gah! Hit submit instead of preview. My thoughts and prayers are going out to your mother, and your family. I hope your mother has a good recovery, and that she does get the “nearby” support she’ll need.
My mom tried support groups when she had cancer, but she said they were depressing and that the women acted like victims. I don’t know, but I found the same thing with online hysterectomy support groups. I kinda feel like once you get through something like that you just want to live your life, not dwell on your illness.
On the other hand, support groups are great for a lot of other things so if she found the right one I’m sure it could be beneficial. But if she’s resistant to the idea, don’t push it. They aren’t for everyone.
Adam support groups vary between individuals. For some people the groups offer insight into how their treatment is going, and to ask if this or that is normal, and basically to vent and gain support for their illness. However, the individual who has cancer does not lose their personality when they find out they have it. Meaning, if they are introverted before, they will continue to be so through the treatments. Do not forget there are individual therapists if you mother does not want to be in a group setting.
My point is your mothers feelings need to be validated, but she also needs to be open with you about what she wants in her treatment regime.
Right now, this is a sensitive subject for the yax clan. After re-reading my OP and the responses so far, I see that I haven’t been clear in what I am hoping to accomplish.
My sister and I (and my brother for that matter) all want what is best for mom. My sister hasn’t made her feelings known to my brother, because she is worried about it getting back to mom who would feel betrayed (real or imaginary betrayal is the same to her).
Mom made it pretty clear to me that she considers my sister to be her support group most likely because she has already won the same battle. My sister is more than happy to be supportive but can’t, won’t and probably shouldn’t be the only support. My sister is newly seperated and has four sons (11-18) to deal with.
There is a chance that mom is being slightly melodramatic to garner sympathy and attention. I think that what she really wants is one of us (sister, brother or me) to be with her on a rotating basis. We have all been there at one time or another to spend time and help since the diagnoses and treatment.
I would like to convince my mother to join a support group local to where she is. That would give all us kids some piece of mind and lift a huge weight from my sister. Again, if mom finds out that my sister and I have talked she will think she has been betrayed. Most likely, my sister will have to be the one who does the convincing - although I was surprised to hear from mom that she wasn’t in a support group.
Is your mom still sick? In your OP you said she had surgery and radiation and that her cancer wasn’t terribly invasive. If she is through with all the treatment, maybe she just wants to keep her support network within the family. What is it that she needs from your sister that your sister and the rest of the family are unable to provide?
Has your mom asked for more than your sister can handle? Does she seem to be coping ok? If she is doing ok, and you guys are trying to head off problems, you may need to just let it be until your mom finds out that she needs a group, or a counselor, or someone other than your sister and the rest of you. Convincing her to go when she doesn’t see the need isn’t working, right?
If, on the other hand, she is already asking for more than your sister can give, your sister will need to talk to her and gently tell her that she has too much going on right now to be your mom’s main support, as much as she would like to do that.
Sometime in the past year, I read an article online that looked at a recent study about medical trauma that indicated that people who feel inclined to participate in longer-term theraputic situations benefit from them, and those that do not feel so inclined do not benefit from them. I believe this study was following people who had traumatic medical problems related to heart attacks. Anyway, one of the observations was that when people who tended toward one direction were pushed toward the other, they did not fare as well, in fact, some people who were not inclined toward therapy and participated in it anyway seemed to have a harder time getting past the trauma because it was too much like reliving the experience.
The article then talked about how sometimes people who are not inclined toward the theraputic environment are unfairly labelled as being in denial, and often pressured or encouraged to seek therapy when it really isn’t the way they are wired to cope with traumatic situations.
The study was looking at people who suffered a traumatic episode, and not at people who had pre-exisiting or on-going mental health concerns.
I don’t know if that’s helpful or not, as it doesn’t really address the issue of the burden upon your sister and the other siblings. Can you suss out how much of it seems to be a genuine need for support, and how much is the need for attention from her children? Obviously a support group would be better for addressing the first need, and not so much the second. I think it’s difficult, but you and your family might try to separate the issue of the support group, and the issue of reasonable (or not) expectations she is placing upon her children.
Sorry to hear about your family situation, it’s good to hear that from a medical standpoint your mom seems to be doing well.