Guess the content of the certified letter

To Whom It May Concern:

As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your star system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition. The process will take slightly less that two of your Earth minutes.

Thank you.


  • Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz

Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council

And playing on that theory…

Dear Sir,

Your home has been scheduled for demolition due to its lying in the direct path of the new Matlock Expressway. Please vacate the premises immediately, and make it a point to vote Republican in the next election.


Mayor Robert Terwilliger

Does Ed McMahon send certified mail these days?

Are you building a house?

We got a certified letter because not all the mechanic’s liens were paid. Just a slight mixup with the mortgage lender, easily fixed.

It’s from the RIAA and you are being sued for sharing music files over the internet. However, they want to settle out of court because they know that they can never win a real court battle.

(Not saying that you did or have ever done such a thing, but I did read that they sent out 200 more letters last week so that’s my guess)

I hope it’s good news!

I got one of thosae a while back. Couldn’t think of anyone who’d be suing me, or anything that would require this. Turns out it was from some Mortgage company. They wanted me to refinance.

This has to win the contest whether it’s correct or not simply because it’s the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks! Outstanding!

Maybe it’s an “unclaimed funds” letter. I recently got one from the relevant agency of my state government advising me that an insurance company whose policy I terminated years ago forgot to refund me the full amount, and if I submitted a claim I could get like seventy bucks.

Well, folks, it’s just about that time. I have here in my hand (hoof?) The Mysterious Letter. It’s…


sound of paper tearing


honestly, i can’t take it anymore! just read the letter!

It was full of poison spiders and they ATE HIM!

It was a severed human finger, and he fainted.

Aww, bollocks. It’s from my bank. Some years ago when I was living in France, I bought a small amount of stock in a local oil producing company. Each year, I get a dividend check for, shall we say, a modest amount. The check is in Euros, which presents a bit of a hassle for deposit. This year, the amount of the check was less than the deposits and exchange fees, so they returned it by certified mail. Guess I won’t be taking a close friend out for an extravagant meal at Denny’s after all.

Anyway, looking over the entries, I’d have to say the closest is…well, it’s that shining jewel of Indiana, the precious, incomparable Ruby! Ruby gets the nod for having guessed it was a check, even if not quite the sort of check she had in mind. Hey, I said I didn’t have a prize, but if ya want a worthless check in Euros, it’s yours, babe.

While I’m feeling so magnam… mignonym… er, willing to share, I’ll declare Swampbear runner-up, on the basis of, well, of such an utterly daft entry. The swampster gets one-quarter of the grand prize, which means (counts fingers) uh, I’ll have to owe ya. Hey, I’m good for it. Thanks, kids, and don’t spend it all in one place, haw, haw haw.

Your is not sufficiently evil, El_Kabong. Mine would have been happy to deposit the check and make a profit on the exchange fee.

The check is to small to cover the fees for processing it, so they send it to you ** By certified letter?[B/]

What the heck does a certified letter cost to mail these days?
Did they just spend more to mail it to you then they would have spent to deposit the darn thing?

What? You already have one? :smiley:

While we are on the subject (ok, we’re over it now but I’m telling anyway) of certified mail, I once received a certified letter from one of those class action thingys against Sears. It was all about somebody being po’d because they thought Sears charged too much interest on their charge cards or some such. Anyway, the suit was on behalf of anybody who had or had had at some point a Sears card up until the date of the suit. About six months later I got a voucher in the mail good for $5.00 on my next purchase from Sears. I bought a shovel. Just sharing.

I got a certified letter once.

It was from my alma mater, writing to inform me that, although I completed all the requirements for graduation in a satisfactory manner (cum laude, actually), I would not be receiving my “actual” diploma (as opposed to the little paper thingy that they give you at the ceremony for looks), nor would they allow me to enroll for my free lifetime membership in the alumni association, until I paid my University Bookstore Charge Account in full.

Total amount due: $21.86 (including the charges to send my final statement via certified mail, which they so graciously passed on to me).

I’d like to thank the Academy, El_Kabong, and everyone I’ve ever known…sniff, sniff…for this totally useless check. I’m proud and honored to receive this award and will treasure it forever.

And, El, if you’re ever in Indiana, I’ll even float for that extravagant meal at Denny’s.