Guess the content of the certified letter

So I returned to casa Kabong this evening to find a note from the postman, saying there’s a certified letter for me, and that I’ll have to pick it up at the local PO tomorrow. I haven’t a clue who might have sent it or why. Pessimist that I am, I expect it to be bad or tedious news of some sort, so I might as well cheer myself up in advance by making a contest out of it. If anyone’s interested, post your best guess as to the content during the next 24 hours, from 8:00PM Central time. The one whose description comes closest to the actual content will recieve the coveted Kabong Prize, which…well, I haven’t got a prize, actually, but I’ll be sure to flatter you endlessly in future posts.

Dear Mr. Kabong;

It has come to our attention that you owe us $125,000.
Payment is to be made in-full immediately upon receipt of this notice.
Thank you for your time, and have a splendid day.

Respectfully yours,
The Internal Revenue Service

CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Mr. Kabong:

I am a member of the Government of Nigeria Contract Award and Monitoring Committee in the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) . . .

You are being sued.

At least that is what my only certified letter arriving at my house meant.

What happens if you don’t pick it up…say you are going out of town for business…yeah…that’s the ticket…business trip. Doesn’t it just get sent back to the sender and undeliverable?

Dear Mr. Kabong,

I stopped by today to give you your check for a zillion dollars but you weren’t home. Sorry.

Sincerely,

Ed McMahon

Dear Mr. Kabong,

TIME CUBE is the way!
Sincerely,

A Wack Job

Do you own mineral rights anywhere?

Somebody (not necessarily a relative) has named you in his/her will. You might not even know that this person ever lived, but you’re about to become quite familiar with said individual’s name.

Dear Mr. Kabong,

I AM PLEASED TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. PRINCE ADBULLAH WANNAHOCKALUGIE FROM A SMALL AFRICAN COUNTRY IN DEEP POLITICAL STRIFE AND I NEED YOUR BANK ACCOUNT SO THAT I MAY WIRE TWENTY MILION DOLARS FOR SAFEKEEPING UNTIL THE COO IS OVER.

It’s from that old girlfriend about the son you never knew you had. He needs bail money.

Cease-and-Desist letter from Hanna-Barbera. :slight_smile:

It’s from Mattel telling you that your special order “Barbie in Skin Tight Leather Holding a Cat O’ Nine Tails” is ready.

You are probablly being notified that you are part of a group of litigants in a class action suit.

This is for something that you don’t even remember buying. Let’s say … you bought one of the mini-Kabongers a bike 2 years ago. Some fool figured out that it can fail causing serious injury to its rider when it is being used in a way for which it was never intended. Like as a canoe.
Somebody and a group of lawyers figured out that the lawyers could launch a class action suit, resulting in the litigants each getting 79 cents in about 3 years, with the rest (a few bazillion) going to the legal team.

This is to let you know your “interests” are being represented.

Shit. I hate the registered letter. But I must know what it’s about.

Dear Mr. Kabong,

As you may or may not recall, when you agreed to participate seven years ago in trials of a new drug for psoriasis, you were assured that any adverse side effects would be made known to you.

We therefore must inform you that significant side effects include: 43.72 percent of participants have suffered total hair loss; 33.79 percent have experienced total or partial shedding of finger- and toenails; and 7.44 percent have seen sloughing of the epidermis.

If your fingers are still (a) attached to your hands, and (b) capable of motion, we urge you to reply to this letter immediately, in order to participate in trials of an antidote for the above and a number of other side effects.

Very truly yours,
Uttar Buncamm, D.V.M.
University Hospital of Spitwash, Ulan Bator

It’s probably spam that your spam-blocker has forwarded to you. How they got your mailing address ought to be more of a worry than the contents of the letter itself.

Either that or anthrax.

It’s a new way of Spamming, now they know if they have a valid address or not.

I said it first, Edward The Head, but I’m amazed we had the same thought at the same time. I guess it just had to happen. Do we both win?

You guys are killin’ me. The answer (cue portentious organ music) will be revealed just after 8PM Central tonight.

State Farm sends out notices of cancellation via certified mail (guess who forgot to pay her homeowners insurance once?)