Thanks, Lezlers, it’s truely a valid point, luckily she doesn’t seem too wigged.
And in answer to your question, **calm kiwi **.There was a little conversation that went like this:
“Kiliiroomate, were you looking up porn on the computer?”
“No…”
“Are you sure, kiliiroomate, I really gotta know here!”
“No…Why?”
“Cause in that case it was either kiliiboyfriend…or someone’s sneaking into the apartment…”
“Oh.”
Then again, this is the girl who goes “hey, what movie is that” as kiliiboyfriend and I walk out of the apartment, and I say “don’t ask, don’t ask.”
“Oh.” GMRyujin…thanks, that’s what I’ve been thinking, and I think there shall be some law-layage.
Bren_Cameron, that’s what bothers me the most. I’m gunna let the thread run a little longer, cause I kinda really want the answer to be… actually, there is some spyware out there that can do that… and even though I prolly won’t get that answer, I still can’t figure out why he would have lied.
It’s in extremely bad taste to surf for porn while visiting your girlfriend, using her computer while her back is turned. Lying about with a weak ass excuse about spyware is even worse. He shouldn’t have t o agree to delete the sites from your history because he shouldn’t be looking while at your place - unless your sitting on his lap looking with him. I can’t even begin to imagine the thought process that went on in his little head that led him to think that it could possibly be a good idea to do some porn surfing while visiting his girlfriend, on the computer she shares with her roommate no less!
In my opinion, as a man, you’re not being a psycho-brat or even unreasonable. Asking him to give up porn altogether would be unreasonable. Asking him not to browse porn on the shared computer in your apartment is akin to having to ask him to not wipe his ass on the couch when he visits - it’s the kind of thing the should be covered with the blanket expectation that he behave like a civilized adult.
Hell, I’d go so far as to suggest dumping his sorry ass if he doesn’t cut this out soon. Regardless of whether or not he’s looking at porn or using the couch for toliet paper he should know better to do either when visiting your place, and even if he didn’t already realize it was in bad taste to begin with you’ve already told him it makes you uncomfortable for him to do so in your home. Continuing to do so makes him either an ass or an idiot, probably both, you can do better. All of course IMHO.
Thank you for being so protective of me without knowing me, it’s sweet. He’s a great guy. I get along with his family, his sister, and his friends. He remembered our anniversary when I didn’t. He really is great 99% of the time. That’s why I’m so confused as to why this would be a problem.
If he knows that you’ve ever had body image issues, he’s going to figure that the pics are going to rankle a little bit. At that point, he’s going to feel guilty about possibly hurting your feelings along with any other issues, and he is going to lie, not so much to pretend he’s not interested in the porn (although that’s part of it), but to cover his butt for making you uncomfortable.
I know of no “spyware” that will put porn on your computer, but there is certainly a lot of porn spam that comes in with innocuous headers. (Of course, after about the second e-mail with those sorts of “stealth” come-ons, no one with an IQ above 20 will be fooled by them, but he can at least claim (im)plausible deniability that he didn’t realize what he was opening. Calling it “spyware” is sloppy language, but it may be simple ignorance about what actual spyware is (or what he hopes you think spyware is).
Up to this point, I’ve been cutting him slack. One can trip into porn sites inadvertantly (although the more you see, the fewer are inadvertant) and lying about one’s actions regarding porn is pretty standard behavior for a lot of people (since it is still considered “gross” or “déclassé” in many circles).
However, I think he is showing a certain lack of consideration. If you have expressed an aversion to finding it on your 'puter, the proper behavior (in my old fogey rulebook) is to avoid the behavior, not to cover the tracks.
Is it sufficiently bad behavior to alter or end the relationship? I dunno; that’s your call. But it is certainly something that he ought to be reviewing within himself and it may indicate things you want to watch in the relationship.
Well, to be fair to dude, some of the porn sites like to do a loop. Like say you (inadvertantly/advertantly) click on the email, go to the site, and try and close the site, then three more sites pop up, you close THEM and then more keep popping up…it is a possibility.
I would say that he did lie. But it’s understandable in a way. He was posed with a question he probably didn’t expect, “Are you looking at porn on my computer?” which would be an easy (and usually harmless) lie to tell. After he lied about that, when she mentioned the history he had to make up the lame bit about spyware to avoid admitting he lied the first time.
A small lie led up to another. And perhaps more if he is so determined to avoid her finding the truth. Happens all the time.
Absolutely, it is your property. You say what goes.
**
Basically, no. He’s lying to you.
**
Not really, just careless
**
no-yes-yes-no. Definitely not psycho; a little jealous, understandably; some signs of low self esteem here; no brattishness whatsoever.
My main concern is your first Q. That you even ask whether you have the right to be upset over this, indicates to me a lack of assertiveness in this relationship from your side. I hope one day you can find a place in your life where you are more sure of yourself.
And lastly: Frankly, m’dear, you need to find someone nicer and more truthful.
It’s HER computer!!! Anyone with half a brain, or any knowledge of computers at all knows how to erase history and cookies from their computer.
This guy is not doing that even though she told him that’s how she found it, hence, he IS, in effect “shoving her face in it”. If he cared at ALL how she felt about it, he’d at least have the decency to erase his porn viewing off of her computer.
All that is beside the point though, like another poster said, if you don’t like your guy liking porn, don’t date guys that like porn.
I asked him to cover his tracks at my place, and I’m gunna ask him to just not do it at my place, but I have to say I like your rulebook better.
I have popup blockers.
He is nice. I may not have the best self esteem in this world, but I have good taste in guys, and have friends that would tell me to dump a bad one.
I don’t care that he looks at porn! I’ve already said that. I just don’t want to see it, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
My roomie and I have seperate logins, and I’ve thought about giving him another one, and I think that’s what’s gunna happen.
And by the way, ** msmith537 **, you haven’t said anything that hasn’t already been said (except for your taste in porn), but you didn’t need to be so rude about it, so bite me.
You did say that him looking at porn can make you feel inadaquate sometimes. It’s not really relevent, and I don’t think it’d help, but I thought I’d say I think men who look at porn would probably still look at porn if they were dating Britteny Spears. It may or may not be an unreasonable thing to do, but I think it’s fair to say it doesn’t mean you’re not good looking enough.
“It’s ok for him to look, but I don’t want to know.” is entirely reasonable imho. And he should be able to stick to this, especially if he is nice.
Second log in sounds good; at least you won’t run into it accidently. Whether you use it to make sure he doesn’t look, or just so that you can pretend he doesn’t is up to you.
I think there may be some confusion in the kilii household. Specifically, I think you’ve confused a man who does nice things for a nice man. They are not at all the same thing, and are only tangentially related. A truly nice man may forget your anniversary, or never bring you flowers, or have family you can’t stand, but he will NEVER deliberately do something that he bloody well knows will hurt and upset you. (He might accidentally do something like that, but he will offer a heartfelt apology and damn near kill himself to make sure it doesn’t happen a second time.)
Trust me, honey, jerks can do nice things too. A friend of mine used to have a guy who brought her flowers and little gifts all the time, took her out for their monthly anniversaries, and generally danced attendance on her and any of her female friends who were around. He opened car doors, carried luggage, and ran errands when the weather was bad. He did every nice thing you could ever imagine a man doing, and he treated her like shit. He lied to her all the time, played mind games, manipulated her, broke up with her repeatedly just for shits and giggles, and on one memorable occasion just upped and disappeared for three days. She spent hours on the phone, calling hospitals and police stations all over the state repeatedly, checking in with his family every half-hour, until he called his sister from a strip joint in Texas.
Maybe I’m wrong, but the lying sends up red flags for me. The fact that he’s ignoring your agreement and doing stuff he knows you’re not okay with, right there in your apartment on your shared computer, turns on my big red flashing neon warning signs. It really makes me think that you have a guy who does nice things, not a real nice guy.
I’m not sure how to say he’s a nice guy other than saying “he’s a nice guy, normally” which tends not to have much credibility or pointing out the nice things he’s done. He normally is a nice, thoughtful guy, which is why this is throwing me off. I hope this is the last time I say that, because there’s no way to prove that he’s normally a nice guy.
She is not being unreasonable. If she doesn’t want the porn on her computer, then her boyfriend shouldn’t look at it on her computer. That’s just the way it is. And if she makes this request and then he goes and does it anyway and then lies to her about it, that’s a legitimate complaint.
Nothing so far she has done can rationally be called unreasonable. In fact, she’s even spelling out what should be considered common sense - you don’t go looking up porn on someone else’s computer while they’re sleeping without their permission.
That was truly uncalled for. It was, in fact, a truly shitastical, assholish thing to post. You were being a dick in your previous reply, and she told you to buzz off if you were going to continue being a dick. That has absolutely shit to do with anything between her and her boyfriend, and you damn well know it. Trust me, she isn’t the one who’s coming out of this looking like the jerk.
And frankly, it’s not unreasonable to be skeeved out by the idea of a houseguest (whatever else he may be, he’s still a houseguest) getting up in the middle of the night, downloading porn onto your computer, and getting god-knows-what-body-fluids on god-knows-what-equipment you share with a roommate *and then leaves the garbage where you’ll run across it. It is especially not unreasonable when you have asked said houseguest to at the very least have the decency to wipe the history so you don’t know about it, which they agreed to do and then did not.
See, most women look at male masturbation rather like we look at our parents or friends or coworkers having sex. We know it happens, but we really don’t want to know the details. That means we’d much, much prefer not to hear about it, or to see your crusted up tissues or tshirts or whatever lying around the house, nor do we want to see your magazines or downloads. We especially do not want these things left lying around our personal property, any more than men want our vibrators left in their desk drawers.
Frankly, I have to wonder at the fortitude of the roommate here. It’s icky enough to think of typing on a keyboard that’s had my husband’s semen on it. If we were talking about someone else’s husband, well, I’d just have to have my own keyboard that stayed locked up when I wasn’t using it. That’s just gross.
Well, the point I was trying to make was NOT “how to properly delete history” but that if the man CARED, he’d make sure he did it, since she did specifially ask him to do so, and she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want to see it on her computer.
She’s being DAMN tolerant, and not at ALL, “psycho-brat girlfriend” by letting him know she thinks it’s okay that he looks at porn on her computer, but that she like him to not leave the history, yet he continues to do so.
Sorry Lynn Killi, but that is NOT being a “nice guy” that’s being inconsiderate of your feelings, after all, how hard is it to delete the history? What CCL said is right on the money for how this guy is behaving. (imho).
