Guy and girl dopers, am I being psycho-brat-girlfriend?

Ok, there are multiple parts to this question. It’s kind of a read and answer type-a-thing…

I share a computer with my roommate. My boyfriend uses it, sometimes when I’m asleep (he has his own apartment, but he stays over at mine a lot). He uses it to do homework, and sometimes other stuff. A few weeks ago, I found copious amounts of porn and not-quite-porn on my comp, women in sexy poses and partially dressed and just plain porn sites… I called him up and said “dude, if you’re going to look up porn on my computer, at least have better taste than britteny spears, and delete the history”. He said it wasn’t him, and it was spyware, and it should be gone now. It really upset me cause I still sometimes feel like I’m just not cute enough (what a unique argument, no?) After that, he’s looked it up twice(saying I gave him permission, which I guess I did), deleting the history(maintaining the first time wasn’t him), but sometimes there’s still stuff in my history. The other day, there were some sites that he said were pop up links from his e-mail, and there weren’t a lot of them, so I just deleted them. A few days ago, he was looking up sexy posters on a poster site, and just left 'em in the history. This skeeves me out.

So I have a coupla questions.

A) Do I have a right to be skeeved out and ask him not to look up anything erotic on my computer?
B) Could it have been spyware the first time?
C) Was he being rude/insensitive by leaving the posters in the history, even though they weren’t porn?
D) Am I being a psycho-jealous-lowselfesteem-brat-girlfriend?

Hit post instead of preview… I’m giving up on editing, so let me know if you have any questions.

Dan Savage recently wrote a column on this very subject. I would tend to agree with most of his points. He stated that while men have a right to enjoy porn in the privacy of their own homes, shoving it in their significant other’s face is simply being a jerk-off (no pun intended). So your boyfriend needs to keep his porn off your computer.

And while you may be skeeved out about his Britney fascination, don’t take it personally.

You have the right to ask him anything you want. Hell, don’t let him use your computer at all anymore if it makes you feel better.

But, some men are going to look at porn. If it bothers you then you shouldn’t date those men. He isn’t going to change and you guys will be fighting about it for the next twenty years.

A) It’s your computer. You can make any demand that you like and I believe it is within reason. But understand that such a request may send him home to do it instead of staying with you. If he is going to do it, he is going to do it, on your computer or otherwise.
B) No, spyware is supposed to record locations, not falsely fill them with places no one has been.
C) I don’t know about rude, but Lazy.
D) Not the words I would choose, but most men enjoy porn to some degree. It is no reflection of his value of you. Relax, it is no big deal. It doesn’t secretly mean he wants a woman like that - even if he had a woman like that, he would still look at porn, if that is what he likes. The two have nothing to do with each other.

In the grand scheme of things, why should this bother you? I suppose it would bother you if you knew he masturbated as well? The two types of sexual outlets are completely different and most mature people need both sex with others and self-stimulation. It took me awhile to accept this fact, but when you do, it makes life so much less stressful.

He sin’t exactly shoving it in her face. It is in the history. She is going looking for it.

A) It’s your computer, you certainly have that right. It would be unrealistic to expect him not to look at porn but you can expect him to have the decency to not use your pc for that purpose.

B) nope.

C) I think so.

D) Did you go after him with a meat cleaver? :slight_smile: If you merely requested that he hide his tracks, then I think you’ve been perfectly reasonable.

I am of the opinion that if the gf objects to porn, the guy should be respectful of her wishes. No gf I have ever dated nor my wife (when I was married) ever had any reason to suspect that pornographic images ever crossed my eyes, except for my first gf. And, that was only because she rented videos to show me because it came up in some conversation that I had never seen porn before.

Guy here.

First off, it’s rude to look up porn on your girlfriend’s computer, at your girlfriend’s apartment, while your girlfriend is there. None of those are okay in my book, and the combination of the three is assholish. Feel justified in calling him out on it. He shouldn’t be doing it, you’ve asked him not to do it, and he keeps doing it.

But secondly, this is really mild porn. It could have been a much more egregious foul*. There’s a difference between missing the toilet, and taking a dump in your pillow.

*There’s nothing wrong with getting off on kinkier porn. But it’s gotta be on your own time, on your own computer, or at least with permission on someone else’s computer/apartment.

No, he’s not physically bringing her to the computer and saying, “Look what I jerked off to today,” but he’s doing it in her space and her property. If that makes her uncomfortable, she has every right to ask him to stop.

Read the column, agree with most of it too, actually. The porn itself doesn’t bother me. I look at porn (on my own time), we’ve watched a bit together. The fact that he’s looking at it and doing stuff while I’m sleeping, ooky.

If I see it pop up under the auto-complete, I’m drawn to figure out the extent of what’s been looked at.

I’m not saying there wasn’t any kinkier porn there, I just didn’t want to run around describing the porn on the boards.

And there’s not even a very fine line separating the two.

Another good reason to keep away from those sites is that they’re notorious for adding spyware to your PC. Do you have a firewall?

Don’t know about the firewall, but I have 2 programs on my computer for finding and deleting spyware (my dad and my boyfriend had a minor pissing match as to who’s software would be used on my comp, so they’re both there now).

Yeah, he’s a jackass. It’s not about the porn. It’s about respecting your wishes and your property. He’s failed at both.

My final piece:
I know you said this isn’t about the porn, but you did express some anguish about some self-esteem problems with it. The other night on That 70s Show was the perfect example. Donna was getting weirded out that Eric was looking at nudie mags. Hyde said the following, which I think is right on the money: “If Eric was dating Miss October, he’d be locked in his bathroom jerking off to pictures of you, Donna.” Your boyfriend doesn’t look at porn because he’s not turned on by you. He looks at porn because it, like Mt. Everest, is there.

A) Do I have a right to be skeeved out and ask him not to look up anything erotic on my computer?
Long answer no with a maybe, short answer yes with a but… Hehe. Simpson’s quote I think. Anyways, it’s completely within your power, but he’s going to do it anyways. I personally would not have told my girlfriend until I noticed she was looking at midget porn or something really freaky. I don’t know many guys that don’t look at computer porn at least every once and a while. I don’t go to stripclubs because I don’t think my wife would like that, and while I know she isn’t a big fan of me looking at computer porn, I still might do it and she knows it. We just trust each other not to do anything off the wall.

B) Could it have been spyware the first time?
Could have been, but I think he’s lying. I’d imagine the only way to get spyware like that on your computer is to visit a less than proper site in the first place

C) Was he being rude/insensitive by leaving the posters in the history, even though they weren’t porn?
No, probably just forgot to clear it. Or, he might have been wanting you to see so he could either figure out what was ok for him to look at, or to hope that you’d say something so he could talk about you not even letting him look at posters.

D) Am I being a psycho-jealous-lowselfesteem-brat-girlfriend?
I’ve had worse, but then again, I know nothing about you. One thing though, don’t feel like he’s looking at girls because they’re better looking than you. I’m telling you (as a man) that isn’t the case. It’s just one of those things, and really means nothing. That quote from That 70’s Show is very true.

Good luck!

One thing to clarify. Here and there it seems people think I’m skeeved out by the idea of him looking at porn. I’m not. I understand that guys (and girls) look at porn. I read his playboys if I get bored over there. I don’t care that he looks it up on his computer. I just type real fast if I’m checking my e-mail or the boards over there, so that I don’t see the auto-complete. I just don’t want him to look it up over here, cause then I obsess about it, and look at the sites he did, and compare myself to these girls, and I don’t wanna do that, because we’ve had enough conversations about how he thinks I’m beautiful, and sexy, and a few things I can’t mention on the boards that I know it’s true.

No, you look at porn on your own rig on your own time. You don’t do it on your girlfriend’s rig when she’s asleep. That’s oogy.

Guy here, by the way.

I agree that it’s not cool for him to be looking at it on your comp.

I’m suprised no one mentioned the fact that the OP shares a computer with her roommate. That, in my mind, is the most important factor. It’s not just the OP’s computer, it’s her roommate’s. So, essentially, the OP’s boyfriend is looking up porn on her roommate’s computer. That is NOT cool. Did I mention that it’s also her roommate’s computer?


I’ve got nothing against porn. I’ve been known to cruise a few sites on my own. But I did it on my computer. I think I’d be a little put off too, if my boyfriend were looking at porn on my computer, in my apartment, while I was asleep. Can’t he give his hand a rest for one night?

Any chance it was the room mate looking at the porn?

I think this guy is going to cause you some heartache in the future. The signs look bad. I agree with everyone else here that, yes, the guy was in the wrong to use your computer, while you were there and asleep to look up porn–looking at porn by itself isn’t the problem, you’ve already said that.

But what bothers me more is the lie. “Honey, were you looking at naked pics? That bothers me.”

Ideal Answer: “I’m sorry, Sugar, I was just idly surfing the other night and I didn’t realize it would bother you. I won’t do it again.”

Bad News Answer: “Who me? Never! It was spyware.”

I’m not saying this means the guy’s evil, just that in my estimation this indicates some maturity issues icing the inconsiderate porn viewing cake.