I can sympathize with the OP. I’m more of Quality Time type, and yet a sincere compliment goes a long way with me, especially when what is being complimented is something that I take pride in (like my art). When I’m with someone who is spare with giving compliments, it may not bother me, but I do keep an eye on it. Because it could become an issue later on when I am jumping through hoops to please and it doesn’t even merit recognition from him.
I don’t think the OP can get her husband to change in any meaningfulway. The best solution I can think of is to hold on to the compliments he does give you either mentally or physically. Like, if he writes you a note or email with some flattering sentiments, save it somewhere for those moments when you crave hearing a compliment from him.
I don’t think couples therapy will help with any of that, either. If I stop liking compliments ( I don’t need them, just like them) then that will be just one more thing I don’t need him for anymore.
I’d love that, and have suggested he would do that so I’d get of his back. I re and re read what I have dozens and dozens of times. But then he got writers block, same as with RL compliments, so that doesn’t work either.
I could of course think up my own compliments he could give me, write them down an re-read them if I want to. And, as pathetic as that sounds, that is what I already do with spoken compliments.
Me: “Honey, I made it to the list of candidates in the upcoming elections for our province, so one million of people will see my name on the ballot! Aren’t you proud of me?”
Him:“Sure, Hon.”
This is not a woman thing, it’s a social interaction thing.
Hyperbole is not the same as lying and most, if not all, of us use it on occasion. Have you never had someone exclaim, “you are a genius!” after you came up with a good idea or solved a problem? This sort of exaggeration is commonplace. Of course, there is always some truth to the statement and it could be expressed more accurately. You could tell your wife “this meal is delicious” and in my example the person could say “that’s a fantastic idea”.
Maybe. But we both (and he a bit worse then me) don’t keep the promises we make to ourselves, either. He has promised again and again (actually, it was his own idea) to stop coming to bed so late, so he wouldn’t be a stressed out zombie in the morning and we could actually have some quality time before going to sleep.
No dice.
It seems to me that in a healthy relationship, what is important to one partner should become important to the other. “Hating” to give compliments (which just sounds so odd and witholding to me) isn’t as important as the OP’s need for compliments. And now he doesn’t want to go to bed at the same time as she does, either. That can’t be good. You guys sound quite incompatible.
One thing we each have to learn is letting go of the image in our minds of what the relationship should look like or should give us. Pare it down to the most critical needs and focus, focus, focus on the good. Maybe he doesn’t give you the compliments you honestly need or come to bed on time. But if there are other things he does really well for you, maybe that can be the focus and other things can become lower priorities. It becomes too easy to get caught up in the “he’s letting me down again” mindset. That is where counseling can help- sometimes an objective, outside opinion can help you focus on what is truly critical for each of you to be happy.
That sucks that you have to fish for compliments like this, even after telling him its important to you. There’s nothing wrong with needing validation every so often. This is what this is.
You said he doesn’t like to receive compliments. Did he tell you why he has this hangup? I have limited experience with people like this; everyone I know likes to hear complimentary words about themselves, even if they get embarrased. I can understand why he wouldn’t like flattery or empty platitudes. But to object to receiving or saying “I’m proud of you” or a “you look handsome/pretty in that shirt” is hard to relate to.
Maybe understanding why he doesn’t like receiving compliments may give you more insight into his aversion to giving them. Not sure how this information will make things better, but maybe it can help prevent you from resenting him.
Can you write it down yourself? I have a bunch of journal entries where I talk about silly loving conversations mr. hunter and I have had, and I love rereading them. And actually he loves it too. Occasionally he’s told me I have to get out the journal to write something down when we’ve had an especially silly conversation.
Can he work on telling you when you do something he likes? Perhaps frame it less as “compliment” than as “positive reinforcement” – “ooh, you cook lasagna so well!” tells you (in addition to being a compliment) that hey, you should make lasagna again! And, as others have said, there’s some translation of “ooh, I am going to have a third helping of lasagna” to “Wow, I married such a great cook and I love her so much, not to mention the lasagna!”
Mr. hunter doesn’t do much complimenting, mostly because he doesn’t talk that much about feelings as opposed to ideas. Like, in the example you gave, he’d certainly be proud of me but it would never occur to him to say so – but we could have a thirty-minute conversation about power tools (which I know nothing about but which he loves) or music harmonization (which he knows nothing about but which I like to explain).
I guess I get around it, again as others have said, by really appreciating the things he does for me, like when he spent his Saturday assembling an IKEA dresser, for me that was saying, “I love you so much you’re worth a weekend afternoon to see your face light up when you don’t have to use your crappy plastic dresser anymore!” Or, more subtly, “I love you and our kid so much, and I think you’re doing such a great job with trying to make sure she does social things even though both of us are introverts, that I will consent to go with you to Little One’s friend’s family’s party for a whole hour and a half and I won’t complain once!”
I’m worried, though, when you say this:
Is this really true? If so, um, I think the compliments may not be the principal issue here.
Is this something new in your relationship? I agree that it might be a problem in that case. Otherwise his is who you married. I’m not saying he can’t learn to do the things you want, over time, but expecting a complete change his personality seems unrealistic to me.
For those of you who are accusing the husband of being “withholding” or has a “hangup”: When you marry someone who doesn’t give compliments, do you really expect the guy to do an about face on the wedding day, change his personality and start spouting sweet nothings for ever afterward?
And I’ll second the recommendation for therapy. It never hurts to get help with communication.
My ex-wife always wanted compliments. I give compliments, but not non-stop, 24/7, which is almost what it seemed she wanted, especially toward the end of our marriage.
She started saying things like, “You never compliment me unless I ask for it. You never say something just to make me feel better.” And at first, I thought maybe she was right, and I was taking her for granted. Then I made sure to make a conscious effort to offer up unsolicited compliments. I would still get the “You never compliment me” speech. It became a no-win situation. The given compliments, even if she’d thank me for them, seemed to be forgotten. Trying to point out when you complimented someone sounds petty and more like score-keeping.
She asked me to read the book you mentioned, which I did. It was all tripe and garbage, pretty much like most self-help literature out there. The bits of truth in it were common sense. Other parts of it were actually counter to having a healthy relationship.
The best advice would be that if you know he doesn’t like to give/is uncomfortable giving compliments, then notice the other ways he shows his love and respect for you, whether in things he does, things he says, or some combination. Hell, it could even be things he doesn’t do/say. For a hypothetical, imagine if there were a person who was constantly sarcastic, absolutely vile and caustic about it. Yet for some reason, he never turned his ‘wit’ toward his wife.
That would be, in his own weird way, that husband’s way of showing some love and respect to his wife, while not actually giving her compliments. If she loved him and thought he was great in all other ways (putting aside the fact most habitually sarcastic folks are generally miserable), then it would be good for her to notice this, rather than try to force him to start giving compliments that will either fail or never materialize.
IME, when people say “you’re a genius”, what they mean is “that would never have occurred to me!”. Which yeah, is what a genius was before IQ got invented: someone who’d have good idea that did not occur to other people.
Superhal, maybe your wife likes having you say something which she knows you don’t believe, simply on account of being better behaviour than what you used to display (by your own account): this woman would appreciate it if you’d keep her out of your generalizations, though. Have you ever even tried telling her things that are positive and you actually believe? Maybe she would like that, too!
-Receiving Gifts
-Physical Affection (which goes far beyond sex)
I prefer to give her:
-Words of Affirmation
-Acts of Service
-Quality Time
It also works the other way around.
We do try to accommodate it but it does cause some friction, especially when my wife spends hours in the store to buy me what I view as “another pointless bloody ornament”, or when I point out that the reason I didn’t get a chance to buy her a present for whatever event it is* was because I’d spent the last two days outside in the rain unblocking the kitchen drain.
*it’s exactly 9yrs, 4 mths and 22 days since we first held hands / went on a date / moved in together / bought our first goldfish… I can’t believe you forgot!
And, as others have said, there’s some translation of “ooh, I am going to have a third helping of lasagna” to “Wow, I married such a great cook and I love her so much, not to mention the lasagna!”