Don't Say "I Love You" or Anything...You Wouldn't Want To Make Your Lover Happy!

In My Humble Opinion
1

The things a gal learns at Girls’ Night Out! Or from her own guy:

Why is it that some folks won’t tell the people they are in a long-term relationship with that they love them? By which I mean, one partner says this once, and then feels that THAT declaration will suffice for YEARS. If the subject is brought up, subsequently, as it is SURE TO BE, the reticent partner then says “I shouldn’t have to say the words, my actions should be enough for you”, or something of the ilk.

What is (s)he really saying?

A girl in my group has dated her man for 2 years. He would like her to move in with him, but has agreed that he is fine with being married first (that’s her condition, made due to a young teenage son she’d be bringing along into the combined household). He has said he is amenable with beginning to look together for engagement rings. He has told her ONCE that he loves her in two years. When she asks now, he says he should not have to “keep repeating” the sentiment, that he wouldn’t be considering a further commitment if it weren’t true, can’t she tell from his behaviors, etc. Everything except the words themselves.
What gives?

My man has at least told me he loves me on a few occasions, but they are rare, which isn’t a bad thing. He has selected some flawless moments for his declarations and thus they have meant a lot to me at the time. But he told me a story over the weekend that I am not sure how to interpret: he said his ex-wife used to ask him if he loved her, right after sex. He said he resented it greatly, as he felt he should not ever be placed in a position of feeling “compelled” to say it. He feels it has no meaning if he is “forced” into saying it when he clearly does not want to.

My problem with that is, if he did love her, what would it have hurt him to reassure her when she needed reassurance? What would it have cost him, if he truly cared about her feelings? It’s not like he would have been lying to her, or deeply compromising his own principles. Right?

I am feeling a bit as if he told me that (and it was after we had sex, too, during which we were snuggling) as a cautionary tale. Maybe that is reading too much into it, but it seemed awfully “out of the blue”.

Then I thought of my friend’s story so I had to ask YOU, my panel of experts.

It’s a hard thing to ask someone, even if you are sure of them, “Do you love me?” What reasons are there for the types of responses given above? Do you profess your love whenever asked by your beloved? Would you, if it meant reassuring him/her? Is there any validity to the reasoning that “it diminishes the meaning” when a partner asks you to say the words (assuming they are not asking every 5 seconds)? Is there any validity to the “I shouldn’t have to tell you, you should know from my actions” argument?

Opinions?

–Beck

2

I am of the “tell me!” camp. I see no reason whatsoever to shirk the reinforcement of my feelings. I mean, on a less sexual level (I hope!) I tell my Mom and brothers that I love them several times a day. Only when I noticed that it didn’t seem to matter to my girlfriend whether I shared my feelings or not did I stop doing it with her. I guess she’s of the other camp.

However, everything can be taken to extremes. If I were constantly peppered with “do you still [love] me?” all day long, I can see it getting frustrating. That, however, isn’t what you’re talking about. I just thought I’d mention the exception before anybody else brought it up.

In sum, I’m needy in this regard. Whether or not it’s a sign of insecurity is, in my opinion, irrelevant, because cutting someone off from emotional reassurance isn’t going to do anything but make them less secure.

3

Rebecca, would you still love me if I kept asking you hypothetical questions?

Seriously, what’s up with refusing to tell someone you love that you love them? “I told you once 2 years ago that I loved you, now stop nagging me!” Huh?

Obviously, the guy who refuses to say “I love you” has some serious issues. They might be issues with the relationship (he’s just not that into her), they might be issues with his emotional unavailability (he’s incapable of loving anyone except himself), but either way it’s a huge red flag. If she marries a guy who refuses to say “I love you” once in a while, she better be OK with never hearing those words again for the rest of her life.

[John Lovitz as Harvey Fierstein]
“I just wanna be loved, is that so wrong!?!?”

4

Depends. For some (not all) men, who are quite serious about what they say and represent, “I love you” is a fairly serious statement and not something to be dropped into flirtatious conversation, even in a committed relationship.

For these men “I love you” is not appropriate for a throw away line or a verbal stroke. It’s a powerful, binding, affirmation of your innermost feelings, and quite frankly many men aren’t feeling that level of emotion 24/7, so asking or cajoling them to say it is akin to requesting a rote performance not in line with the current depth of their true emotions, and they get irritated by requests to have this repeated as a comforting line.

Other man have no problem spontaneously repeating this over and over.

5

As far as your relationship goes, feel free to wonder. As far as hers, I wouldn’t project.

My husband has never told me he loved me, and we’ve been together for almost nine years, married for over five. He DID say the traditional wedding vows, but it wouldn’t have bothered me if he had wanted to skip that line. To this day, I am not entirely sure of his reasoning–I think it has to do with the fact that he (like me) wants a relationship where we both have a larger-than-usual degree of emotional autonomy. We like each other a whole lot, but there isn’t a lot of need there. I have tendencies towards neediness, and it’s always been important to both of us that he not be responsibile for making me feel not-needy. It’s an impossible job and it would eat away our relationship.

Now, I made my peace with this maybe 18 months into the relationship, when it became clear he wasn’t being coy about the whole “I love you” thing, he was serious. I decided at the time, and feel confident that it was the right choice, that by every standard that really mattered to me, I loved the way he treated me, and that it certainly met every definition of “love” that I cared about, so I decided to stay. I can see someone different making a different choice, and that would be fine–we all have different desires and priorities.

6

Different strokes, different folks. astro is quite right. Some of us guys just don’t WANT to say it a lot. Some have no problem with it. If he’s sincere, it is what it is. It might be different than “normal” or even what you percieve as so, but it’s all good…assuming it’s sincere, of course.

7

Huh. I tell my wife I love her every day. Multiple times. I just don’t get why a husband would not say that, unless he either didn’t love his wife or had profound emotional problems. But, that’s just my opinion.

8

I recommend The Five Languages of love It talks about the different ways people express love.

From the reviews:

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**Astro ** has captured my feelings pretty closely. It’s a big thing to say, and it doesn’t always come easy, even after 14 years together. However, things take a slightly different turn in our relationship.

My man (gay couple, here) insists every day that I say that the meals he cooked were delicious, that I’m happy that we’re together, and (not quite so frequently) that I love him. There is simply no way out of it, and although his manner is light-hearted, if I refused to say the things he wants to hear there would be ill feelings all over the place.

So what’s a guy to do? Cheapen the sentiment by just saying it, whenever? No, what I do is use these occasions to remind myself why we are together, to recapture the feelings that sometimes get lost in the day-to-day tumble of life, and then, yes! I remember that I do love him, and I feel it then and there, and have no problem saying it.

I recommend this to anyone who has trouble expressing his or her love. It’s akin to counting your blessings. Yes, maybe he does leave off the top of the toothpaste tube or something equally maddening, but really, you do love him, right? Can you take a breath and a minute and remember why? Yes, there it is.

I love you, sweetheart.

Roddy

10

Wow… I think that’s sort of depressing.

I tell my fiance that I love him all the time. He does the same for me. I also tell my parents that I love them, and my grandmother, and my in-laws.

I think it’s unfortunate that some people feel that love loses its meaning if it’s expressed in words, or whatever the reason is that they don’t want to say it.

But then again, that’s just me. I grew up in a family where we love each other very much and…well, LOVE saying so. I think it’s good for you.

11

Orrrrrr just good for you and your family.

12

I’ll agree that saying “I love you” in response to a request diminishes it - but anyone objecting has about 23 hours and 55 minutes a day to say it without being asked, so I don’t buy this as a reason for hardly ever saying it.

I don’t buy the significance argument either. The first time, yeah, it’s very significant, but after years it is a simple reaffirmation of something that should exist. Does the significance imply that the person spends a lot of time not in love?

I suspect people who have trouble saying I love you would not be too happy if the other partner responds to interest in sex as if it were the first time ever.

13

In the eight-plus years of our marriage, a day has not gone by when I haven’t told my wife that I love her, at least once. It’s not a throwaway line, I’ve meant it every time, and she knows it. She does the same for me.

I can see being so emotionally intense, or maybe guarded, that one reserves that statement for the most important times, whatever they might be. But I can’t see myself being that guy. As for never saying it, that’s an alien concept to me. There must be something rare and special about a man for a woman to be able to live with him for a whole marriage or even lifetime and never hear him say that he loves her. Women love all kinds of men for their own reasons, but one who can’t express the simplest, most joyous words that two people are privileged to say to one another is a puzzlement. “I’m here, isn’t that enough?” doesn’t seem to do it, at least for me.

14

It’s interesting that this thread came up today. This afternoon, I was eating lunch with my friend. She asked me about my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating for about 2 and a half months. I said it was going great, and she asked me if he had said he loves me yet. No, he hasn’t, and I haven’t told him either. She looked askance at me and I said, “Why? Is that weird? It hasn’t been that long…” and she said, yes, it would get weird soon if it wasn’t said.

It didn’t bother me until she said that. Is there some schedule for these things? When **Manda Jo ** said her husband hasn’t EVER said it, that was a big “whoa” for me, esp. after my friend was just chiding me today for not saying it or hearing it yet after 2.5 months.

For my part, I’ve said it too lightly in the past. I really want this relationship to work, so maybe paradoxically, I don’t want to say it until I absolutely cannot resist saying it. Until it flies out of my mouth against my will because it’s so imperative, I want to wait. Because then, it’ll be real. Before that, it’ll be something I said because, well, it’s something you’re supposed to say if you’re serious about someone. The whole thought of it actually makes me quite uncomfortable.

Is this weird? I dunno. Is there any rational measure of how people should or should not express their love?

15

I don’t know if this was addressed to me, but I don’t put up with the fact that my husband doesn’t say “I love you”, it’s part of what I love about him (and I tell him all the time, which he doens’t mind at all). It’s not like the rest of him is so great that I can put up with this terrible burden. It’s that ultimitely I find deeds much more satisfying than words, and there has never been a day when he hasn’t been courteous, passionate, and kind. Neither one of us wanted a relationship that fell into the ruts of what was traditional. For him, an important part of not doing that is avoiding the cliched expressions of affection. I don’t just accept that, I understand it, and while I still like the words, I agree with the sentiment.

But we are a weird couple–we paid quite a bit more than plain gold would have cost to have stainless steel wedding bands made, because we both agreed that stainless steel best represented our marriage–and what’s right for us doesn’t say much about what’s right for other people. I am offering my anecdote only to show that there are many “right” ways for people to be happy together, and one ought not project a diagnosis of “profound emotional problems” on people who do things differently.

16

Hmm… rational love…

17

<shrug> I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half. We don’t say it. I guess it’s just not all that important to us - of course we care very much for each other, we’re just not super-demonstrative. I can see how issues might arise if one of us had a problem with it, but I guess we’re on the same page.

18

Manda Jo, I wasn’t addressing you personally, nor your situation. Nor have I projected any kind of diagnosis on any people, anywhere. I merely stated what I don’t understand. That’s all right, isn’t it?

19

/shrug

Okay, sure.

Though I don’t see how it could be BAD for anyone .

20

It would bother me not to hear the words periodically.

Sure, he may have said he loves me two years ago, but that was two years ago… How do I know for sure that he loves me now? Feelings change and it’s not like men come with indicator lights saying “warning: falling out of love with you.”

I understand that sometimes people intend to convey love through actions, but actions can be misinterpreted, just habit, or signs of caring deeply about me while no longer being in love with me.

It doesn’t have to be a daily thing or said so often it become routine, but I do need to hear it every now and then.