Been married for 24 years, in general the only times I say ‘I love you’ to my wife is generally in response to her saying it. I respond to her need for hearing it.
I’m much more of a ‘deeds mean much more than words’ kind of guy, which my wife apparently appreciates much like Manda Jo expresses here.
Plenty of ways to express love without words…
That being said, I can also relate to the OPs man who says he was irked by his ex-wife’s asking him if he loved her after sex. Maybe not for the same reason, but I can relate. Maybe I’m a throwback, but I wouldn’t have sex with anyone I didn’t love…guess my wife understands this (she has never done this), the sex act has the meaning attached to it, asking the question implies otherwise
If I were in a relationship with someone, and they said “I love you” all the time but treated me like crap, I wouldn’t believe they love me.
If they never said “I love you” but treated me with love all the time, then I would believe they love me.
If they treated me with love all the time, but made it a point to say “I love you” periodically, I would (or easily could begin to) wonder why they are trying to convince me they love me instead of just… loving me. I’d suspect there was something wrong, that they were hiding something, or were not sure of themselves, or were not sure I was taking their actions for what they were. I would feel like something was wrong.
Take this crude analogy: say someone was doing something that benifits me. Generally I would feel greatful to them. But say they’re doing somethign that benifits me, and they also kept telling me they were doing so. Generally, I would wonder whether they want a cookie or something–or if they’re trying to pull something over on me!
It’s a crude analogy, like I said, but roughly useful I think.
So when I contemplate making a point to tell someone “I love you,” I expect (rightly or wrongly) that they would go through the same mental process as the one I just described–I expect them to think I’m being somehow insincere or that I’m implicitly questioning or asking them to question the genuineness of the sentiment. So, instead of saying it, I just do it.
Yes, this is just me saying how it seems to me things would seem to me, but perhaps others share my intuitions.
I almost never say “I love you.” - mind you, I haven’t been in love in a really, really long time.
However, I have to admit, if I was dating a guy for X amount of time, and he’d never dropped the “L” bomb, and then all of a sudden he was like “Lets get married”, I have to admit my response would probably be “Why? Do you love me?” which would be odd.
Some people feel that the declaration “I love you” is a deep commitment to a lifetime or more of devotion. “Yes, I told you before that I love you. Didn’t you believe me? Why would you believe me now?”
Some people feel that the exact same words are just a casual expression of familiarity, repeated without particular feeling because of habitual conversation.
Some people will never believe they are loved, no matter how often it is demonstrated, declared, and avowed. They demand that the declaration be repeated. It becomes a test. It is, sadly, a test that cannot be passed, only failed. And since it is repeated without end, failure becomes inevitable.
Some people just care about the verbal statement, and don’t actually feel the attendant emotion described in the first case. It’s just verbal fashion. It doesn’t mean a thing, in the long run, and when it happens that this person meets the person who is willing to follow the rote habit. It can work out fine, as long as no one really needs assurance of the emotional bond. It works well for those with a bond that exists, or for those for whom the bond is unimportant. Somehow the words become important even if the emotion isn’t.
Want an actual straight out bit of advice? Tough, here it comes anyway. If you find that you are a person that frequently asks “Do you love me?” change the habit to asking “Do I love you?”
Personally I have a very hard time same please and thank you to friends and family. For me, these are words taught to me as something you do as an act of politeness and not out of particular gratitude. If the waiter brings me a new fork, I say “thank you,” but if a friend saves me from a burning plane saying “thank you” would feel petty.
If someone tried to force me to say it, I would feel immensely against having to say it. It wouldn’t be an issue that I don’t feel gratitude–just that my vocabulary is too limitted to say what I felt. The only words I know to be thankful is “thank you” and that just doesn’t say what I want to mean. And of course “I love you” in regards to a friend is…also not quite what I would mean. To me this is an issue of the English language in not having the right phrase.
And of course saying something cheesy like, “I have an immense feeling of gratitude beyond the words I have to say for it” sounds rather stilted. But if my friend asked, “You are glad I saved you from that burning plane?” I would very much agree, “Dude… You don’t know.”
If a guy loves you and doesn’t want to say, “I love you” better to just ask “Do you love me?” than to try and get him to say those specific words. He’ll say whatever sounds right to him, and you’re best to decide whether he feels it from that than try and get him to say something that sounds hollow to him.
I’m from a culture where “I love you” is something people say in the movies; the few times I’ve seen someone say “te quiero” to a person who was actually awake and in a position to respond, the response has been along the lines of “oh, thank you!” rather than “I love you too”. “I love you too” feels… like payment. I’d be terribly worried if I said “I love you” and got “me too” as a response. shrug We communicate the information in other ways: through the use of pet names, terms of endearment, those nicknames that would cost anybody else a swift kick to the shin (I can call my youngest brother “enano”, meaning “dwarf” or “little one”, but anybody else might wake up in the hospital).
But one of my favourite songs is the “Do you love me?” from Fiddler on the Roof. Short version (their marriage was arranged):
husband: do you love me?
wife: what the heck are you talking about, you daft old man?
husband: do you love me?
wife: oh, I’ve given you five daughters, raised them, washed your house, darned your clothes, fed you, and now you come asking stupid questions?
husband: do you love me?
wife: well… I suppose I do
husband: then I suppose I love you too
Yeah, sometimes you do need to be told. Like I said, my culture simply doesn’t spell it “I love you”.
Every single day he tells me either that I’m beautiful, sexy, wonderful, intelligent, or that he’s so glad he married me, or some combination of the above. Or je acknowledges something I’ve done for him by saying, “You’re so good to me, I’m so lucky to have you.” or something like that. Which isn’t just good enough for me, it rocks. So I can live without the “I love you” every day.
When he does say “I love you” its usually at a special moment. Makes me go all mushy and tearful every time. (Or conversely, he’s asleep. Cause he talks in his sleep. And if I say, “I love you” and he’s asleep, he usually says, “Iwuvvvvyooooooooutoooo…snore” which I think is very cute, because he’s my guy but if it was anybody else it would vomit inducingly silly, so there you go.)
OTOH, I say I love you every day, and I mean it. He usually answers by telling me that its very sweet for me to say that, or words to that effect. I ocassionally ask, “Do you love me?” but that’s just when I’m being silly - he always says yes though, and may or may not do whatever it is I wanted. (It really is silly stuff, not emotional-blackmail-style “do you love me.” It usually goes “DYLM?” “Yes” “Good, then will you get me something to drink, pleaaaase?”
So, different strokes, I guess. I reckon just mutual positive affirmation does it for both of us.
Count me in as a person who wants to say it and hear it. Of course I want my boyfriend showing me that he loves me, if he didn’t I wouldn’t be with him. But he often tells me he loves me and he means it, I tell him and I mean it. For some reason, in this thread, I guess I can’t explain how or why it’s that important to me and some women. We need to hear it. But only if it’s really true. It just adds more, I don’t know, *something * to the relationship for me.
And this is just my opinion—obviously other people see this kind of thing in a different way—but if you truly love someone, why should you have a problem verbalizing it? Especially if they’re the type of person that needs to hear that? I would really be unhappy if the only way it took for someone to tell me he loves me was like pulling teeth. I would think, “why is it so hard for him to say it if it’s something he truly feels for me?”
It sounds like some people in this thread have great relationships and don’t need to hear it. Ever, apparently. If you’re happy and satisfied with that relationship, that’s truly wonderful. Not everybody has a togetherness like that with another person.
I’m just one of those people that needs to hear it, and I also need to say it. Just something in my psyche, I suppose. I’m lucky I’m with someone who likes to hear me say it and likes to say it to me as well.
There are a lot of reasons why some men find it difficult to say I love you. That does not mean they have emotional problems. In most cases it was just the way they were raised. Actions speak louder than words. That’s the way they feel about it. My father was one of those guys. Luckily for me Mom was the opposite.
I didn’t tell my wife that I loved her everyday. I did several times a week and believe me there was no doubt by anyone, not by her, not by me, not our friends or family members. Everyone knew that I was absolutely crazy about my wife, I adored her and let her know everyday one way or another. I can’t tell you the number of times I said as much in front of her friends and ours that she was my one true love my one and only. I meant it then and still do.
I did everything I could to make her happy. (AND she for me) I brought her little gifts cards and or flowers without “reason”. We used to spend every minute we could together. Not one night apart in 12 years.
I couldn’t wait to get home in the evening to be with her. Rainy days were made especially for us. I do construction and we had a nonverbal agreement that we’d both take off work and spend the day together. Weekends when the kids were gone we’d go on dates, dinner and dancing etc.
After 12 years of marriage we were still on our honeymoon. A car wreck ended my real fantasy life.
Anyone who can’t find a way to tell your wife how much she means to you. You need to find a way. Just say it in her ear, a whisper at first if that’s the best you can do.
I love you sweetheart. Always have and always will…
I am not worried in MY situation at all. We’ve only dated a bit over 6 months, and his taking his time with me isn’t a true concern. I did gently ask him yesterday whether he thought that he might have discussed his ex’s need for the words with her, and perhaps reached some equivocal arrangement (they were married for nearly 30 years, after all). He agreed that instead of getting indignant, he could have expressed his feelings on the issue more aptly and perhaps they could have compromised, so neither of them ended up repeatedly annoyed by the other’s actions…
Those of you who do, by arrangement, agree to forego the sentiment in favor of actions, or at least limit the exchange, seem to have done exactly this–it is communicated and an arrangement was made and is understood. I do think that much is necessary on this issue.
After our discussion, then, last night, when he came to bed (he works retail hours and is often up later than I am when we spend the night together), he took sleepy me in his arms and whispered, “I love you, darlin’.” I didn’t respond, but I have to say it felt wonderful, and because he said it when he meant it, not because I asked (and I never have asked him), it did enhance the moment greatly. I think I could live with the periodic sentiment. But probably NOT years and years between expressions.
Jimbeam, it was your similar response on another thread I was reading yesterday that partially inspired this question of mine, because I feel as Carlyjay has stated above. You are clearly a fantastic individual (and a huge inspiration to the rest of us) to have shown your beloved wife such great love every day. She was a very lucky woman, and further, I bet she was keenly aware of that, too. Bless you.
I think probably less than 1% of 1% if the population feels the way you do, and that far, far, far more partners would come to a different conclusion by your NOT saying it.
I think words are a great reinforcer of actions. Having my guy say “god I want you” as we’re heading to bed is more exciting than just silently going in and having sex and letting the fact that he’s doing it “prove that he wants to”. Same with hearing him say he loves me. Yes I know he loves me, he shows me all the time by his actions. But hearing him say it is a great reinforcer.
(I do find the idea of asking someone if they love you to be a little odd. I do it sometimes but only in silliness… like if I do something goofy, and my boyfriend says “you’re such a dork” I will respond “yeah, but you love me anyway, right?” or “but isn’t that why you love me?” or something.)
I would say it is a problem if one person in a relationship does not feel loved for any reason. (beyond early stages of course) I have a feeling though that even after asking “do you love me?” and hearing “yes” they wouldn’t be assured.
For me the answer to the question “do you love me?” is “do you have to ask?” if the other person really does not know the answer, there are deeper problems than how often the actual words are said. If someone asked me “do you love me” a lot, I admit I would be annoyed. But I admit I don’t have much patience for neediness in a relationship.
That said, I do say it to my husband and he says it to me a lot. But I can see instances where I would be annoyed if someone kept asking me if I felt there was just insecurity behind it. I know people who need to be reassured all the time and I get tired of being a source of constant reassurance for someone if (assuming I have done nothing to cause them to not trust me). So I guess it depends on the relationship. I know some women who are just needy needy people and their husbands bend over backward for them but they are never satisfied, or if the husband doesn’t say I love you or buy the right Valentine gift his years of devotion suddenly don’t matter because he must not love her. That kind of manipulation would make me resent being asked too.
