The only facetious response to “what time is it” that I remember as a kid are:
Don’t know the “kissing time” one, nor have I heard the “cow” variant of #1. Chicago area, 80s childhood.
Neither jag nor jag-off is particularly more hostile than any other insult and it’s probably a milder one as insults go. I think they’re both about the equivalent of ‘jerk’ or maybe ‘a**hole.’ Jag is just shorter to say, so I sometimes hear it and sometimes hear jag-off. It can be used in a friendly, ribbing way or an insulting way, just like jerk can be.
I was brung up in New Jersey, in the New York Metropolitan area in the 1960s. I also lived in the Boston area (and am back there now), various places in upstate New York, and for a while in Salt Lake City.
Believe me, this is NOT an “East Coast Thing”
I remember reading about “jag” as a uniquely Pittsburghian term from a book about the 1970s Steelers.
I grew up in the eastern suburbs of Cleveland OH. The only one I ever heard was “Two hairs past a freckle, eastern elbow time.” It was said while pretending to look at a watch which very few kids wore.
Turns out “It’s half-past kissing time/And time to kiss again!” comes from a poem by Eugene Field.
Short for “you 'uns” (you ones). It’s a Pittsburgh thing, mostly.
Wikipedia seems to have a page for almost everything these days.
Grew up in Wheeling. Went to college in Mo’town (Morgantown for you confused non-natives).
Southwestern Ontario, Canada here. The freckle one, yes; the others, no.
Again, wikipedia has a page for almost everything.
More info on Pittsburgh-speak here:
We also often don’t use “to be” where other folks around the U.S. do. Example: We would say “your place needs renovated” where most others around the U.S. would say “your place needs to be renovated”. I thought this was just normal grammar, if a bit slangy, and had no idea that this was a Pittsburgh-ism until someone (many years ago) on the SDMB pointed it out.
IT’s used here in the Chicago area, too. I mean, Chicagoans and Pittsburghers both love their word “jagoff,” but we also use the shortened form “jag” around here. I always grew up thinking both expressions were uniquely Chicagoan, but then found out Pittsburghers also have fair claim to it. “Jag,” though, just doesn’t give me the visceral pleasure that sounding out both syllables of “jagoff” does.
Same.
I grew up in the New York City area.
I have never heard of the kissing one until this thread (although D18 appears to have found a source). I vaguely recall the hair/freckle one, but don’t remember the exact wording.
However, I do remember discussing with a friend whether it was “Half past the cow’s ass, a quarter to his balls”, or “Half past the cow’s ass according to his balls”. I remember I drew a clock face showing each variant.
My husband and his family say this too and they are from the Midwest (Iowa). Thankfully in over 20 years here I haven’t really heard anyone else use it because it drives me nuts and sounds extremely uneducated to me. Their only possible connection to Pennsylvania may be that his mom’s side of the family is a type of Mennonite and his grandmother spoke some form of German/Pennsylvania Dutch, but that influence isn’t anywhere near Pittsburgh.
As for the sayings in the OP, I grew up in New England in the 70’s and 80’s and absolutely never heard the kissing one. Some version of half past a freckle sounds vaguely familiar, but nothing related to cow parts. Neither the kissing phrase nor the cow parts phrase sounds at all appropriate to use in this day and age. Regardless, cows don’t have balls, so the phrase is inaccurate to use even for those not offended by it.
“Two hairs past wrist” for the time.
“A wimwam to wind up the moon” for “what’s that?/What are you making?”
Raised in Wisconsin in the 70’s/80’s. Never heard about ‘kissing time’.
“Half past a monkey’s ass, a quarter to his knee”
“Two freckles past the wart”
Not yinz, but youse guys pronounced yoos gize, as in “Yoos gize from around here, and so?” Alternately, " 'n them", as in “Pat 'n them came by last night.”
Bubbler.
Northern VA - near DC (with parental influences from GA and NH)
Heard the freckle/hair one in reference to a watchless wrist. Maybe once or twice, wasn’t common.
I’ve never heard any of the animal ones, or anything similar.
I have heard “half-past lunch” meaning “I’m seriously hungry, let’s go!”
Raised in the Mid-Atlantic area and have never heard the OP’s version.
“…monkey’s ass, etc.” was our go-to (Catholic elementary school).
Born, raised and still live in NYC. Never heard the kissing one, or the freckle one. I remember “half past a cow’s ass, quarter to his balls” but there was another line, something about a waterfall.
What time is it? - “Three hairs past the pimple” (UK, 1960s)
Also my response.