I am going to share some details, first, so this will hopefully make some sense…
My mother has a half-brother. He is married and he has six adult children. This makes him my half-uncle, and his wife my aunt-in-law. I don’t even know how to classify their offspring. It would be some goofy term like: half-first-cousin-once-removed, blah blah blah. My mom’s half-brother wasn’t really around while she was growing up. He was already pretty much of age to be on his own, when my mom was born. These things in themselves sort of alienate him from “close” relation to me. This half-uncle and his immediate family, have taken themselves out of the family loop for many many years, and the only time we ever see him/them has been for one of the funerial services for family. They rarely communicate with the remaining family, and there has been discord for a long time, which seems irreconcilable on their behalf.
My father was married prior to having married my mother. He had two children through his first marriage, giving me a half-brother and a half-sister. When they divorced, those kids went with my dad’s ex. I rarely saw them nor spent much time with them, as doing more with them was not made any opportunity for. I always liked my half-sis when I was a kid, and she really liked me. She was quite a bit older, though. We rarely saw one another. The last time I recall having seen her was probably when I was about 13. My half-bro seems to have been virtually non-existant since I was about 8 yrs old. I don’t have any clue if he even lives in this area anymore. My dad doesn’t even know where he is. I wouldn’t recognize my half-bro if he stumbled right into me.
So, finally, here is the question:
[li]In light of such circumstances as noted above, should I count any of these people as family or not?[/li]
I can’t even remember a Christmas or Thanksgiving when I last saw that particular side of my mom’s family. As for my halvsies, well, I already explained that.
IMHO, they all seem to exist only in memory. Sometimes, I think about looking up my half-sis, but it seems weird to try, even though she and I always got along.
That’s a question, really, that only you can answer.
I have two step-children, my sister-in-law has two step-children, and I’m, you guessed it, a step-grandmother. A bit cumbersome to explain to other than close friends, of course. In our rather large extended family we drop most of the ‘step’ stuff for that reason. My grandson calls me ‘Grandma’ just the same, and he’s my grandson. It’s so much easier to just say family without all the modifiers and qualifiers, I’m sure you understand. Part of that is just the time and emotional attachments formed. No, make that the most important part. Had these been short-term relationships they’d never have acquired family status in quite the same way. Now they’ll never be anything less.
I have more “step” family than biological family, due to the fact that my mother’s parents divorced when she was a teenager, and they both remarried people with children. My mom has one sister, three brothers, one half-brother, five step-brothers, and three step-sisters. But also like NaSultainne, we never referred to any member as “step.” it was all just family. Made life a lot easier.
My “step” grandparents were my grandparents, in the truest sense of the word. They never showed any favoritism towards any of their legion of grandchildren (well, that’s not entirely true–they always kinda liked me best because I was the first :D). My parents are the same way with my stepson. They love him to bits, the same way they love their flesh-and-blood grandchildren.
Family is what you make it, MSK. It’s not always about blood.
My mother broke off relations with her father when I was in HS, for very good reasons. I don’t consider him to be “family” anymore, even though we are blood relations.
I think that who you consider to be “family” is going to be a function of how important they are to you and how important a role they have played in your life. So like NaSultainne said, it is up to you.
I always count my half brothers and sisters. After my parents divorced my dad remarried and had 2 girls and 2 boys giving me a total of 8 living siblings.
I rarely see or talk to any of them, but as far as I’m concerned they’re my blood so they count.
Love is what makes family. Period, end of discussion.
Blood family is important too, but really, the people who matter are the ones who are willing to hold you when you hurt, listen to you when you whine, kick you in the butt when you NEED kicking. MY particular blood family are there for me. I am lucky. But, I have to say that if YOUR blood family are NOT, then you need to develop a family outside of that. IMHO.
You’re actually lucky. It’s up to you how close you choose to be to your halves and steps. If you want to establish a relationship with them because you find them to be cool people, do it. But if you aren’t comfortable with them, you can keep a distance and no one will think the worse of you for it.
I’d be all for trying to forge a relationship with them if they’re good people. You can never have too much family. But I’m not going to be judgemental of someone who isn’t close to their half family.
Why not find out your half-sister’s address, and send her a Christmas card this year? It’s a small gesture that she’s free to respond to - or not - and it may lead to a beautiful friendship.
I have plenty of experience with this, and family doesn’t stop at bloodlines. I have 8 kids and 8 grandkids and it would take a notepad to figure out the relationships. I have a letter of appreciation plaque on my wall that I would defy anyone to tell me wasn’t signed by my daughter, but she isn’t my blood daughter at all.
My youngest (blood) son is a constant companion to my last ex’s first son by her first marriage.
Draw your lines where you want, but please, not according to blood. Family is made from love, not blood. And, love isn’t bounded by blood. It lives in the heart.
Well, IMHO, grab 'em while you can! I’m about out of family, and believe me, I do regret it. My parents are both gone and I’ve lost touch with the few remaining reletives. We don’t see very much of Mr. zoogirl’s side either, so our two boys and us are about it. Somewhere out there I have a half-sister, but she’s more than twenty years older than me and I’ve only met her three times. I was an only child and often wished I knew her, but when we finally got together and went out as adults, neither of us knew what to say and we never saw each other again. If any of you have a chance to hold on to a family relationship, take my advice and grab it!