I work by day as a real estate paralegal. I work evenings and weekends as a massage therapist (the real kind, so quit sniggering). Every October, I go for broke and take on a third job - using sick time, vacation days, and cancelled massage appointments - to work as a wardrobe mistress in a costume rental shop. I’ve been there five years running. I do this because I love to - the money ain’t much, but the fun is tremendous. There isn’t anything quite like dressing a mousy girl as Carmen Miranda and watching her come alive - and seeing that she is truly beautiful. Or putting a penguin suit on a dad who has two little kids that will be dressing as Eskimos. Finding just the right thing to make the party a night to remember is the best feeling ever!
However.
There are some customers who insist on peeing in the pool. And I would like to speak to them.
There is no point in insisting that you wear size 4 if you are standing in front of me with a size 12 ass. I have a lot of practice at sizing people by looking at them, and you aren’t fooling anyone. The reason the costume you finally rented had a size 4 tag is that I sewed it in while you were in the dressing room so you’d shut up.
Dear Sir with the skin condition: I understand that your problem is medical in nature, and I sympathize. I realize that it is not your fault that you look like you were hosed down with maple syrup and forcibly rolled in oatmeal. I particularly feel your pain in having this condition from wrists to ankles. But are you sure you should have insisted on dressing as the Indian from the Village People? I’m gonna have to burn the damn loincloth when you return it.
If you bear a striking resemblance to John Goodman, a wig and a dress will not magically transform you into Marilyn Monroe. We all want to look like her. Get over it.
Yes, I understand that your party starts in 30 minutes. I have heard your disappointment that there were people in line waiting ahead of you. I am moving as fast as possible, dressing four people at once. I will help you as soon as I can. Swearing at me under your breath, however, in the mistaken belief that I cannot hear you, will not help. As a matter of fact, I have already pulled costumes for you to try. They are all ugly and expensive. You have only yourself to blame.
If you can’t figure out what you want to be, how the fuck should I know? I’ve given out hundreds of ideas, and the well is dry. Go home and think about it.
For the twentieth time, your ass does not look fat in those pants. I am not your therapist.
Yes, the gorilla costume is hot and uncomfortable. I told you that, but you were sure I was misinformed. Repeating my earlier warning back to me in a surprised and hurt tone of voice gets you five demerit points.
I cannot dress you as God if you can’t tell me what you think God looks like. He is remarkably shy about posing for Polaroids.
If you do not want to spend over $15, and don’t want to bother with details, please stop telling me how cool it would be to go as Marie Antoinette. May I suggest you hang a cardboard sign around your neck and go as a Cheap Bastard?
If you have bleached blond hair, fake boobs, and no brain, then insist on wearing the tiny little patent leather French Maid costume, you shouldn’t complain to me that you look like a bimbo. I had so little to work with.
[sub]There are more. Dear god, there are more. But this is long enough for now.[/sub]
Ooooh, a professional costume person!
Just what I need after today. Okay, here’s the situation. I’m a Kindergarten teacher. Today, the kids got to dress up (obviously).
Let me describe this one little girl’s costume and see if you can guess what she was supposed to be.
She wore a long white satin dress, with sparkly gold trim on all the hems and the sleeves and around her neck. She had wings on her back (wire hangers with pantyhose stretched over them) with gold sparkles on them.
On her head (this is important) she had a clear headband, with 2 wires holding up a circlet of gold Christmas-tree garland (that sparkly gold stuff) over her head.
Got that? White dress, wings and a gold circle above her head, right?
What was she supposed to be?
Well?
An angel, right? White dress, wings and a halo.
NO! And she and her mother (who made the costume) got very upset when I said, “Oh, you’re such a pretty angel!”
She was a Princess.
Well, excuse me, but don’t princesses wear crowns instead of halos? Every time someone said she was an angel, she started crying. And when her mom came back to help with our party, it started all over again. And the mom was very insulted that no one knew she was a princess. I pointed out that maybe people thought she was an angel since the gold circle looked like a halo. Mom just looked at like I was nuts, and insisted she was a princess. Oh, well.
Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
*massage therapist…snigger, snigger *
Well, duh, she was obviously a princess with a hover-crown, which I understand are all the rage among pricesses these days. The wings are a bit more of a problem though. Maybe she’s a fairy princess?
Seriously, I would have asked her mother, “Why is her “crown” above her head instead of on it? And why does she have wings?” Except you and I both know the answer would be “Because she was an angel in the Christmas pageant and I’m too lazy to do up another costume, so I made her wear the same one and told her she’s a princess.”
:rolleyes:
Love the OP, though. And I happen to thing “John Goodman as Marilyn Monroe” would be a great Halloween costume – assuming you were purposely trying to do it.
Yeah, that’s what I thought, “Oh, guess who was an angel in the Christmas play last year!”
There are always a few Fairy Princesses, and they are very specific that it’s Fairy Princess, not just plain ole’ Princess. When you’re 5, there’s a big difference.
When she kept getting PO’d that people though she was an angel, I really felt like saying, “Look, you dumb bitch, she has wings and a halo…what the hell kind of princess has wings and a halo?”
[tasteless joke] Maybe she was Princess Diana? Princess Grace maybe? [/tasteless joke]
But alas, since I am the teacher, I need to be more tactful.
Kinsey - clearly, the halo is wrong wrong wrong. $5 for some wide pink/blue/other pastel ribbon to change the trim and make a sash, $2.99 for a cheap tiara. Clearly the mother is a Bad Parent. Please make a “Cheap Bitch” sign for her neck. And stop sniggering.
Jodi - you are correct. An actual John Goodman as Marilyn Monroe would be great. This year, I got a big burly trucker type who dressed as “Da fuckin’ Toot’ Fairy”. Wings, wand, and a big frilly tutu. Wheeee!
Macro Man - fine, I’ll check your inseam. But I’m really cranky, and I’m carrying a big box of pins. Your call.
gatopescado -
Please, I beg you, spell the yellow tropical fruit with the Chiquita label and the slippery peel. While you’re at it, how about the largest American river? Please?
OTOH, one boy was really cute. He was a Lego block. His mom took a big box, made it so he could stand in it (cut off the top and bottom), and glued 8 margarine tubs to the front of it, in 2 straight lines. Then she painted the whole thing bright blue. You had to see it to really appreciate it. It was amazing!
A friend of mine was a bag of jelly beans one year. She got a big clear plastic bag, filled it with inflated multi-colored small balloons and put herself inside the bag, with balloons. Her legs stuck out the bottom and her ehad was sticking out of the top. It was very cute.
Back to the OP, how much does it cost to rent a nice costume for a night, seawitch? I’ve always wanted to do that, but I never do. Well, that and the fact that hubby and I haven’t gone out for Halloween for several years.
I worked at a Costume Shop part time for a few years and sweet merciful crap, the things they made me do! Halloween was the very least of my worries. At least all of the costumes were going out within a couple of days, and when they came back - off to the cleaners they went. The worst was Easter and Christmas. I had to - get this - SNIFF the bunny heads and Santa pants! Yes. I. Did.
See, there were only a certain number of Easter Bunny and Santa Claus costumes in the shop and if they came back clean, they could go right back out to other renters. Like a hard-working, go-getting moron, I actually obeyed this bizarre order from above. Finally I realized that without fail, if you put a fat guy in a pair of velvet pants for more than say . . . 10 seconds, then let screaming kids jump all over him - they’re going to reek. And I defy you to breath into a plaster rabbit head for an afternoon while some lil’ bastards are punching the funny bunny in the nards and have it come off smelling like anything but hot death on toast. Eventually everything went into the “it stinks” pile, but I think that was just about the worst thing I’ve ever done for money.
I now know why I don’t teach kindergarten, Kinsey. I would have made the bad taste joke about Princess Diana. Snort. Snort.
I had jobs in costume shops for 15 years. All theater, no Halloween rentals. Then I quit. So as an open letter to all my casual aquaintences:
No, I don’t want to make you anything.
Yes, it is a lot of work.
Yes, my kids costume’s are always great. I like my kids better than I like you.
Yes, what you want would be expensive.
No, I do not have spare time.
And, like seawitch said, I cannot make you tall, thin and beautiful, if God made you short fat and ugly.
Well, the rentals are finally over. Tonight the returns begin coming in. And just like Desk Monkey said, it will be Sniff Day. I learned my first year to just shove everything in the laundry bag. I think it was the girl who had been violently ill while wearing feather boa who taught me that. ::blecchh::
*
And I happen to thing “John Goodman as Marilyn Monroe” would be a great Halloween costume – assuming you were purposely trying to do it.