In my therapist’s office, there is a box of tissues already within reach. That should probably be the case in places where tears are a frequent occurrence. In any other case, assuming it’s not somehow done rudely, placing tissues near someone who is crying, or holding out the box does not in any way mean “stop crying.” I mean, it probably does to some very tiny number of people, but not in any kind of common understanding of communication.
I definitely prefer for them to already be nearby, unless that would be weird based on the context, or to have them placed near me without comment. I sometimes leak tears from my eyes when I’m angry or frustrated, in which case I don’t want anyone to pay attention to it. If I’m crying from grief, I may or may not want to acknowledge it depending on the circumstances. The less attention called to it, the better, most of the time.
And if I were to discern a meaning from someone offering me tissues in one way or another when I was crying, I would take it as empathetic, and also practical – you are getting teary and possibly snotty. You don’t appear to have anything to deal with that. Here’s a solution that I am presenting without you having to ask for it.
I just yell “turn off the waterworks!” at them, just like Dad did.
Just kidding. Who in the hell interprets an offered tissue as a directive to stop crying?
mmm
I would interpret the gesture as “don’t want snot dribbling down your face? I’m here to help.”
There are both real psychology and pop psychology ways of helping someone who is in pain, mental or physical. It could be the case that well meaning people have said that best practices to comfort someone in pain and crying is to offer them tissues, but not hand them tissues.
Now, assuming that’s true, the problem is that it gets turned around, and if someone doesn’t follow the best practices as laid out by grief counselors and internet pundits, it is now a negative to do it “wrong”.
People who deal with grief on a regular basis as part of their occupation should pay attention to best practices and try to follow them. The rest of us in trying to comfort a friend shouldn’t be vilified for doing it wrong.
Handing a crying person a handy box, pack or individual tissues seems like a mild expression of comfort or compassion.
Offering them a huge carton of tissues while singing “Cry Me A River” might be over the top. 
If you’re holding a box of tissues and you offer someone a single tissue, the word that comes to mind is “stingy”.
“I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Neither practice has ever been described as negative in any grief practice guidelines I’ve ever seen. Grief was one of my clinical specialty areas. It could be listed, but not in widespread practice. However, I’d be surprised.
Agreed, but somewhere this person at the OP’s conference has heard that it is. I was pointing out how people can turn well meaning advice into rules that if you break, you are doing it wrong, often with the implication that you are a bad person for doing so.
For instance, in the OP, the person is saying that if you hand them a tissue, you don’t care about them, what you really want is for them to just stop crying.
(and the taking a tissue for yourself part is just weird, unless you need it.)
That’s a pretty weird conclusion to jump to, if it’s supposed to be a general one. Maybe somebody said about a specific person that when they handed them a box of tissues they only wanted them to stop crying – meaning not that the handing of the tissues meant that, but that the specific person just wanted the crying person to shut up and only handed them the tissues as a formality; and someone else heard that and misinterpreted it?
Well, maybe that’s what that person means when they hand a crying person a box of tissues, but I’m pretty sure for the vast majority of us, it is a sign of sympathy and empathy.
I mean, unless you chuck the box at 'em.
Kleenex says you care.
Get-a-Grip Super-Absorbent Tissues™, not so much.
Thank you all. I’m glad there isn’t a broad consensus that this person was right about never handing someone the box of tissues. I didn’t think it sounded right, but, then, sometimes we need to learn things that don’t sound right, so I wanted to pursue it further. I’m glad it doesn’t appear we’ve been missing something important.
A little more context and thought:
In these days of pandemic fear, I’d be reluctant to accept an individual tissue from somebody else. I’d rather pull it from the box myself. But I can think of no reason for reluctance to pull the tissue from the box. So, I think offering the box is safer than offering an individual tissue.
The group I participate in where we need tissues is seated in a circle of folding chairs. There’s noplace but the floor to place the box. While we can all reach the floor, I think taking a few steps toward somebody who is crying, and putting the box on the floor near them, seems off. Maybe a little uncaring. If we were seated at a small table and could reach across, placing the box would work better.
One final note: the subject at hand is losing somebody you love to suicide. One of the tips for speaking in this company is to not use the phrase “commit suicide” because the connotation that a crime was “committed” is considered offensive. (I don’t actually feel this one, myself, because we can be in committed relationships, committed to our work, et cetera, with no such connotation, but I have learned not to use the phrase.) Well, the person who made this claim that you shouldn’t hand people the tissues also used “committed suicide” while making the claim.
It’s kinda like farting in church.
No, not at all. I mean they need tissues, right? You are just being helpful. Altho sure, putting it when they can reach it works also.
Yeah, exactly.
How about a conversation wirh the group about tissues on a chair or on the floor near you? Tissues can be passed around the circle to someone.
Maybe this group should invest in several boxes of tissues, and place them strategically around the circle at the start of the session, so everyone has a box of tissues within reach? I imagine y’all go through a lot of tissues.
Treat the box of tissues like a conch - you can’t speak unless you’re holding the snot rags.
Suicide, like every other form of grief, can be expressed very differently by individuals from the same cultural background, much less different ones.
I try to take my cues from the person themself. If a person, in reference to a deceased loved one, says “committed suicide” I might well use the same phrase. I’d start with “I’m so sorry to hear that happened” or otherwise bland expressions of sympathy until the person in question indicates their preferences, if they ever do.
Optional personal story about grief in summary, feel free to skip if you think I talk too much.
Summary
Personally, in reference to my sister who committed suicide I’ll use phrases ranging from “killed herself” to “self-murder” depending on my mood and whether I’m more sad or more angry. But that’s me. Like I said, I would never start a conversation with someone else grieving someone they cared about with phrases that blunt because what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. It’s not about me, it’s about what is best for them. (Unless I’m the grieving party, then it’s about me and I’m blunt by nature). And for Og’s sake don’t tell a grieving person how they should feel or attempt to “correct” their feelings! I’ve had people tell me I shouldn’t be angry at my sister for killing herself - WTF? Seriously, WTF? I feel how I feel, and anger is very much a component of how I feel about her death, along with grief, and anyone who doesn’t like that or doesn’t think it proper can just fuck right off. Seriously, if you don’t know what to say then say “I’m sorry to hear that” or some variation of that. Otherwise, STFU.
I’ve had enough grief and loss to death of loved ones in my life (including suicides, but also illness, old age, accidents, etc.) that I get pissed about prescriptive approaches to someone grieving. I’m assertive enough I’ll let you know how I feel and where I am, but not everyone is like that. Yeah, it might be more effort on a bystander’s part to try to evaluate the grieving on an individual basis but attempting to do so is also a form of caring.
I have no idea who is the wacky person who provided this silly idea to the OP. But if that person is in his support group they should be asked to leave. That level of social / emotional cluelessness should not be allowed near people who are grieving.