Mom, I put a bit of effort into coming up with a gift idea, purchasing it and FedExing it to you. I called to make sure you got the package. Would it kill you to say “thanks” or at least act pleased? Perhaps it would – how else to explain the fact that gifts to you produce only dissatisfaction and insults?
Not giving you a gift is unthinkable. That would send you into a huge guilt-inducing sulk, which could last for years. The incident would be brought up at family gatherings until one of us dies.
In my lifetime, I’ve given you two gifts that you liked: the Billy Ray Cyrus’ “Achey Breaky Heart” CD and a pink toilet seat, both of which you asked for. I would be glad to get you whatever you wanted, but other than those two times, you won’t tell me what you want. Oh, I don’t need anything. Don’t waste your money. Yeah, right.
You’ve made it clear that you don’t like flowers and that you think sending them is a waste of money. You mention this not only if we send flowers to you, but if we send them to anyone, like my dad when he was in the hospital.
You’ve said repeatedly that you think cards are a waste of money. I am not stupid enough to not send you one.
Books get a snarky remark: Oh look, it’s another book from laina. You don’t listen to music. No video is worth watching if it doesn’t have Ronald Reagan in it.
Everyone has to walk on eggs around you for fear of saying or doing something that will send you into a sulk that casts a pall on any family gathering. I don’t know why we bother because obviously you are looking for a reason to throw a tantrum. Meanwhile, you’re allowed to say anything that comes into your head, no matter how insulting it is. In my lifetime, I’ve never heard you say you were sorry or admit that you were wrong about anything.
Happy Mother’s Day. I know you will never change. I go on playing this game because my siblings and I are trying our best to have some sort of functional family environment.
That sounds like a really shitty situation, lanaif. Next Mother’s Day, you should send her a cactus.
“What the hell did you send me a cactus for?”
“Oh, it just reminded me of you.”
“What am I going to do with it?”
“Oh, I know a place you can stick it.”
Sounds like your mother does need something. Taste.
My advice would be not to get her anything again, and you can explain to her why by emphasizing how it’s more about her rudeness than the fact that she can’t be pleased. People give gifts partially because it makes THEM happy to do so. If you aren’t getting the joy out of gift-giving, then it’s time to stop. Giving out of obligation is not fun.
I really feel for you and your siblings. I have a parent that has issues, too, and no matter how hard I try to please… nothing works. What a sad game you have to play but is it really worth playing? I’ve basically stopped dealing with my dysfunctional parent because all that relationship brings me is pain. I’ve got a child of my own to raise and love so I reconsidered what having said parent in my life meant. I don’t need his insults, I don’t need his lack of being a good parent to me, I don’t need the manipulation anymore.
My parents are divorced and although I don’t blame him only for the break up, he was never a real father to me. I tried to earn his love and respect but since he never wanted kids in the first place, (umm, don’t have sex without protection or better yet, get snipped if you “know” for sure you don’t want kids… ever) that has been the hardest part of my life to try and deal with over and over again. It’s not worth it anymore. I won’t have my own child anywhere near that man.
I hope something changes for you because this is a pain you don’t deserve.
I’m so sad for you. How awful that your Mom is such an unhappy person and so skilled at sharing her misery.
You didn’t ask for advice, but if you’re interested I can offer some. If not, please skip the following.
One of the things I’ve experienced re: dysfunctional relationships is that while you absolutely cannot change the other person, you can always choose your own behavior; if you change it will disrupt the balance and cause the other person to behave differently. Differently doesn’t necessarily mean “nicer” or “happier”, however. Give up on trying to get her to act in a specific way and choose your own actions based on what makes you happy and brings you self-respect. She’ll have to choose how to deal with it, but at least you won’t be ruled by an anticipation of her unhappiness. That could relieve you of some of your (justified) anger.
Relationships are always a two-way street, and if she can’t be a functional adult then she isn’t entitled to a functional adult relationship with you. And it’s not your job to gloss this over. You don’t have to compensate for her unwillingness to be happy.
The book “If You Meet the Buddha in the Road, Kill Him” by Sheldon Kopp has wonderful insight about neuroses; you might find some helpful information there.
I really feel for you, lainaf. My dad was a lot like your mother, and we eventually cut him out of our lives because we were getting nothing from the relationship but misery. I know exactly what you mean about the pall over family gatherings - my dad would put on his worst behaviour for the big events. Real mature, dad. My mom finally left my dad and moved away from him to be with her daughters, and now we have wonderful get-togethers without him - no arguing, no drinking, no fights, no anger, no sulking, no crap. It makes me sad that he didn’t appreciate his family so he lost them, but we gave him hundreds of chances to be a decent human being.
I think you need some counselling on how to deal with this parent. You can’t control her actions, but you can control your reactions, and she’s obviously still pushing all your buttons.
Your mother was the reason they invented ‘gifts in the name of’ donations.
Next year send your mother a letter saying this:
Dear Mom,
When you said you didn’t need anything, it made me think of just how many mothers in the world that isn’t true for. So I’ve made a donation in your honor to {some charity that deals with women/children}. I know you’ll be happy to know that you have been the cause of bringing some happiness to others today.
Have a happy Mother’s Day,
Love,
Lainaf"
No, she won’t like it, but then she won’t like anything, and this way you’ve:
satisfied the convention of honoring your mother on this day
done it without spending hours shopping/wrapping/mailing
My OP wasn’t a plea for pity, it was just some venting. Over the years I’ve learned to distance myself from Mom as much as possible. But the three annual gift-giving occasions (birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas) are always frustrating.
Your idea is very good, StarvingButStrong. Like many elderly people, Mum has become obsessed with the charity appeals she receives in the mail. After receiving three appeals from the Salvation Army, she actually wrote them a letter to explain that she couldn’t donate right now due to my father’s medical expenses. She might like having a contribution made in her name.
lainaf I would think you were one of my siblings if it wasn’t for her saying cards were a waste of money. My mother must have a card, a very expensive card. I earned my own money to buy her a birthday gift when I was eight. Her first words when she opened the gift were “What the hell did you buy this for? What a stupid present”. She then took me to the store and stood behind me with her arms folded glaring while I exchanged it. After 35 five years I gave up ever trying to please her. Now I just give her a check. Does that please her? No! But I will not waste my time trying to find the perfect gift only to be insulted. If I gave her a check for a million dollars she would critisize the hand writing, and bitch because now she’ll have to pay taxes on it.
I think you might have to accept the fact that this is never going to happen. As much as you try, if she doesn’t reciprocate, you’re just throwing good effort after bad.
Your mother sounds very bitter and unhappy. Instead of pretending that she’s a happy woman, accept that she isn’t and concentrate on your own life and happiness. You’re not responsible for her attitude.
Ditto Tinkertoy: It’s almost like you’re the sister I never knew I had.
It seems that nothing pleases my mother. However, unlike your mother, mine is obsessed with cards. Say I went out and bought her some kind of diamond jewelry that cost a mint. If I forgot to include a card, she’d accuse me of being unthougtful. Just this past Christmas I shipped her a robe and a bunch of CDs that I made for her. I didn’t include a card. She threw this in my face AGAIN a week ago. Sure, to hell with the expensive robe and the time and effort of picking songs and burning them. I forgot a fucking $3 piece of paperboard with Hallmark printed on the back.
Growing up, when I actually lived in the same house, I had to mail her cards!!! That way she would know that I thought of her enough in advance to not run out and buy a card at the last minute. :rolleyes:
Like ivylass said, it stems from bitterness. My mother is bitter, and the whole family has that “walking on eggs” thing. My sister has already cut her out of her life. I guess I’m too nice to completely cut my mother off at the knees, but it sure is tempting. I wish mothers like ours would just try to enjoy what they had, and stop the constant bitching. It just drives people away, and makes holidays a real hassle.
“Nice” has nothing to do with it. Don’t kid yourself about how nice you are, and that your sister isn’t as nice as you. Your sister is looking after herself, and you need to do the same. What’s the real reason that you still put up with this kind of treatment from a fellow adult?
My grandmother was also an ingrate and once when someone had that same idea about giving a donation in her name - to her church no less - she bitched about that as well.
Apparently the church elders were some sort of rivals and enemies of hers and were only going to plunder that money to support their own agendas and alleged vices, and that it took “a lot of nerve” to presume for her that she would want to support such a corrupt organization as the church she went to.
It’s really not about the gift at all – it’s about power. Insulting the gift is one way the Mom can remind us that only one person (her) is ever (and always) right. I’ve always wondered what it feels like to be totally convinced that you are always right.
I’ve often wondered that myself. How can someone know how everyone else on the planet should be living their life, and be so miserable in her own.
For me i think it’s guilt. My father died when I was seven and she never fails to mention how hard it was on her to raise me. “I didn’t have to keep you I could of given you away” Of course she had “ill health” and I did all the housework, cooking and laundry from the age of 11 until I got married and moved out. She’s now 78 and still going strong.
That’s what makes StarvingButStrong’s idea so brilliant. Let her be the total ass and say “Gah! How inconsiderate! Iainaf went and provided a month’s worth of hot meals to blind, legless children who are starving because nothing grow is the hot lava of the volcano where they live in their shantytown! Can you imagine?!? What kind of child have I raised that would send a donation in my name that would feed starving headless babies instead of getting me – her mother, her own flesh and blood, who went through 90 hours of painful labor squeezing her out of my womb sideways – a proper Mother’s Day gift?!?”
Just find the right charity so she’ll look like an immense ass if she complains.
Actually, my sister isn’t as nice as me, and quite often is downright mean, but that’s a whole other story. Yes, she’s looking out for herself, but I’m looking out for myself in my own way.
I don’t mean to portray my mother as a completely awful person - she’s not - but in the context of this thread, she fits right in with the gift issues, the bitterness, and that pesky insistance of always being right. She does still have some redeeming qualities, and I’d hope that the mothers of people relating to this thread do as well.
Maybe we still put up with things and continue to give gifts because a part of us will always want our mother’s approval. That’s part of my reason too, but mainly, my mother is up there in age (I was a very late unexpected arrival). I’m not about to spend the rest of my life with some form of guilt because I acted the same as my mother and held a grudge against her, said “screw it” to giving her a gift the next holiday, and then she dies.
I decided a while ago that I don’t want to become the kind of person my mother turned into. I’ll continue to remember holidays, pain in the ass as that may be, and if she doesn’t appreciate something, hey, I know I tried to do the right thing. Call it keeping my karma quotient intact.
I’d like to make it as difficult as possible for her to complain about me, but I also know, and accept, that she’ll always find something. What I won’t have though is guilt. It’s just my way of dealing I guess.
My mother is the same way. I don’t necessarily believe in an afterlife or anything, but I’ve always liked to think that maybe there is. Oh, not necessarily for my sake, but because I’d know that there would be some kind of Force Of The Universe that would sit my mother down and point out all the times she thought she was right about an issue, or a person’s intentions, but had it all wrong.
Sometimes our mothers have grown up insecure for whatever reason, and now that they have a position of power they try to make up for it. Or maybe there were marital problems, or they were the only parent, and it was so overwhelming at times that they wondered if they did the right thing in certain situations. I can see some mothers not allowing thoughts of doubt, as a protective measure for themselves. The courage of your convictions, as they say. But after time that thinking becomes so pervasive that you can’t even consider that you’re wrong about something, certainly not anything concerning your children. It has to be you who are wrong, not your mother. Afterall, she’s your mother! Yeah, they always tell you that, don’t they.
Me? I kind of feel sorry for mothers with an infallibility complex, living (or should I say wasting) their lives like that.
My autobiography, Into the Bryan’s Den, has been published by Jordan Press and will hit stores July 1. As you’ll see in chapter eight, I find such a feeling to be very relaxing.
