Has there ever been a more laughable film than John Wayne's "Green Berets"?

Cafe Society
21

I think a better question would be can you think of a movie that’s more hypocritical? We KNOW John Wayne spent zero days in the military and if you go to Cecil’s column:
http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a5_004.html
you’ll find out why. He didn’t stay stateside because of some high-minded purpose of helping America’s morale.
Isn’t it apalling that he got into fights with REAL WW2 servicemen because they dared question why the “great” John Wayne was not in uniform fighting in the REAL thing?

This clown was spouting his right wing bullshit during the Vietnam War even though his service record was nil. It wasn’t enough that he shot off his mouth about Vietnam. Oh no! He decided to make a movie about said war so he could further his right wing propaganda. To me this movie displayed what a hypocritical, arrogant asshole John Wayne was.

22

What an embarrassing typo.

23

How about Wayne in “The Fighting Seabees”? Quote: “When Tojo sends his bug-eyed monkeys the next time, he’ll have a surprise waitin’ for him” (approximate). This was decidedly racist even for a war era movie.

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Oh, there have been LOADS of films more laughable than “The Green Berets.” Try watching “The Trial of Billy Jack,” and see if you aren’t ROOTING for the evil National Guardsmen to gun down all those smug hippies, at the end.

25

Even better is BILLY JACK GOES TO WASHINGTON (imagine the dream Frank Capra would have after tripping on peyote and mescaline administered by a Hopi medicine man). The premise is believable enough: a senator dies, so the governor of the state replaces him with a convicted felon who led an armed assault on the National Guard armory. From there it becomes silly. (It was also one of the biggest flops in film history; the first movie was made for about $16 and some Sizzler coupons and grossed mega-millions, then the second had a budget and eeked a small profit, but for the final chapter the director built a life-sized replica of the senate chamber. The movie flopped, taking with it most of the director/star’s profits from the first two.

As for The Duke, I try not to conflate the artist with the art (if you can call GREEN BERETS art), but after reading his Playboy Interview (I can’t find a copy online, but I swear I’m not embellishing) I wanted to dig him up and give him the Oliver Cromwell treatment. Among other things, he didn’t believe that blacks should be allowed to vote because they hadn’t had the proper educational background (unlike most whites, who are of course brilliant and well-informed on all issues and resistant to jingoism or spin), and his views on women would have gotten him a golf date with Mohammed Omar.

I first saw GREEN BERETS when I was in a class on propaganda in media, incidentally. It’s up there with Riefenstahl and Potemkin as cinema with a government sponsored message.

26

LOL!

Why the HELL did they ever take out the “firepower” element that was in Civ 2? At least THAT game didn’t have the Zulu Socialist Empire still using Triremes in 2100, or some such nonsense.

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er…that’s to say that the Zulu Socialist Imperials are using triremes is nonsense. I have no quarrel with the existance of the mighty Zulu-Iriquois PanAtlantic Alliance…even with what they’ve been doing to my supply convoys coming out of Brasilia and Nova Roma.

Lousy Green and Purple bastards…just wait until I have Leonardo’s Workshop built, THEN we’ll see who’s laughing…

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Hey, how about Rambo III, where Rambo fights side-by-side with the noble jihadists, I mean Freedom Fighters, of Afghanistan.

29

No, I’d have to go with The Conqueror.

Plan Nine From Outer Space was pretty laughable, sure. But it had American people playing the roles of American people. And aliens, of course. And it used a fair amount of stock footage. Silly, badly written, and not real well acted, but… it didn’t jar the mind with each and every step.

Green Berets does, to some extent. John Wayne really was way too old to be in Vietnam. And the pine trees of Viet Nam do kind of confuse. I mean, I’ve never even been there, but I’ve seen enough MOVIES set there to know there ain’t no damn pine trees. But still… we have Americans fighting vaguely Asian-looking guys in a place full of trees. We’re still kind of plugged into some vague reality, here.

But… The Conqueror … I’m sorry, man, we just leave reality behind.

The film takes place in a desert, despite the fact that the reality took place on the steppes. There may have been some actual Mongols or Asians in this film, but I sure didn’t see any. At least I don’t remember seeing them. All the Mongols are played by perfectly white bread actors, most notably Susan Hayward, of all people. The only less Asian looking actress I could think of to stick in there would be Kim Novak or perhaps Carol Channing.

…and then, we have the Duke, himself. Dressed up in the exact same makeup and stylin’ that would later be used to identify Klingons on the old Star Trek TV show. He rumbles forth this insane pseudo-Shakespearean dialogue in his same old hilarious John Wayne drawl, while wandering around the radioactive desert in his balloon pants, embroidered vest, and pointy-toed shoes.

I mean, it’s a WESTERN! It’s a freakin’ WESTERN, except that at the last minute, they changed all the costumes from Dodge City to Xanadu, and hung these hilarious Fu Manchu mustaches on everyone except Susan Hayward! And changed all the dialogue to this bizarre purple prose!

Oh, and don’t EVEN get me started on the rape scene.

No, I’m sorry. Stuff like *Plan Nine * and Robot Monster were gloriously bad… but they were also the work of a few people with a few bucks working out of someone’s back yard.

The Conqueror is what happens during those fantastic moments where a whole STUDIO has a temporary brain seizure and tries to make a movie during it… and in my book, this is a far grander thing.

Although it may not speak well of me that I have an easier time believing in hubcaps as flying saucers than I do believing in John Wayne as a Mongol warlord…

30

Y’all are movie watching AMATEURS!

I know of a viking movie with a black Viking in it-though the name escapes me- and I used it in a bad film festival. Do you recall many Vikings with names like Tyrone Ole-Torson or Sven Brown?

Or just try (TRY!) watching Kris Kristofferson (sp?) in “Knights”. He plays a good cyber-vampire fighting off a small force of evil cyber-vampires who are attacking poor defenseless survivors in a post-apocalyptic world.

If you can get through THAT waste of celluloid, you may be able to stomach “The Creeping Terror,” part of that immense number of 1950’s era sci-fi flicks featuring a beastie terrorizing a town and eventually repulsed by the Army. What sets this one apart?

#1) It was so bad it was shelved for years by the studio. Eventually, someone decided to try and recoup the studio’s losses by releasing it, but, by that time, part of the soundtrack had been lost. Solution: have a narrator do a voiceover in the parts missing sound. Flaw in solution: original script missing. Solution to flaw: make stuff up- picture a guy sitting on a couch listening to his buddy and the buddy’s wife hanging out in the kitchen-“Ron wondered why Ed spent more time with his newlywed wife than out with him. Things had changed in their freindship.”

#2) Incredible special effects: The alien’s starship is nothing more than film of an early NASA or US Army launch with the cell reversed, so the big USA on the side has a backwards S in it. To completely fool the audience, the launch footage was run backwards to simulate the landing, and the same footage was used when the spaceship eventually left the earth.

  1. Looking for the monster, the Army goes through the same terrain. Often. And the stereotypical Army idiots are more idiotic than ever.
  2. The monster looks like 8 frat boys doing a conga line under an Oriental rug. It is so slow, most zombies could outrun it, but no one ever does. It is so clumsy, the victims have to climb into it’s mouth. At least one victim sits in the passenger side of a car screaming while it comes charging at the parked car (from the driver’s side) at walking speed, flips the car, and then eats her.
31

My apologies: I was just reminded that in the Creeping Terror, it was indeed NASA footage used, so not only was there a backward S, but a backwards N as well.

Crafty!

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“Creeping Terror” is, truly, a wonderful example of dementedly bad filmmaking.

It was not, however, a major studio effort. It ws the result, largely, of ONE man’s flash and thunder and determination to make a movie. According to the Medved brothers in one of their Golden Turkey books, the director basically charmed up half the town, looking for “backers” and shot the movie using many of these local “backers” as extras (the big fat grandfather supposedly paid thousands for his brief role), which also explains why so MANY people get eaten by this ridiculous monster.

And then the guy lammed out of town. With his new girlfriend. And the soundtrack in the back seat of his car. And the remaining money.

…which led the investors to try and finish it, to see some return on their investment. This is why the soundtrack is so screwy; they basically went back and redubbed parts of it as best they could remember, without a script to work from, which is why so much of the movie is simply NARRATED, instead of having dialogue dubbed in!

Yes, it’s an awful, wacky, hilarious attempt at a scary movie. But I’m still holding out for the Duke…

33

Improbable but not impossible.

34

This is just silly. Lizard, you know there are more laughable movies. Next time just name your thread what you want to talk about: “Who else hates John Wayne?”

And the most laughable movie ever is Half Baked. Only it’s laughable because it’s funny.

35

Half Baked was amusing at best, and Dave Chapelle, the funniest guy, doesn’t get the best lines.

In a similar vein, however, try “Stoned Age” featuring every hard-rock fan stereotype you can name, and Grace Slick’s daughter, China. Veeeery funny if you know anyone who is a hard-rock fan.

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Plus, she’s topless.

:slight_smile:

37

Did YOU think her butt looked big? I didn’t.

38

Back on point-“Dungeons & Dragons” sucked. I’m pretty sure we saw some career-ending performances in there.

Or how about “Yor-Hunter from the Future?” That movie had a scene in which a native points to the sky and warns Yor “Look! the Dreaded Beast of the Night!” which Yor promptly downs with one shot. Considering that the thing was quite obviously a dime-store rubber bat on an elastic string, that was probably for the best.

Or “Battle Beyond the Stars” a true cinematic tour de farce. Featuring “John-boy Walton” as the hero, and various people like Robert Vaughn and the head honcho from “The A-Team” as his hired mercenaries fighting against a vicious marauder, it… well it sucked too. Kind of Star Wars meets Spaceballs, except with none of their redeeming qualities. Most notably, this is one of the movies featuring the same starships and space battle scenes that were used in “Message from Space” and I don’t know how many other low-budget sci-fi movies. (PS: Message from Space was essentially a japanese cast version of the same film, and it sucked too.)

39

Nobody mentioned the most hilarious part of THE GREEN BERETS! That was the ending…with the sun setting on the South China Sea! Given the geography of Vietnam, that’s a bit hard to arrange…(the sea is EAST of Vietnam)!

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It was mentioned a couple of times, once in a spoiler box. :wink: