jtur88
October 22, 2017, 9:43am
81
The answer to the poll question is Male, No, I have never been sexually “assaulted” in a manner that I could not defuse or deflect by myself. But I have no doubt that a lot of people would have classified some of those experiences as “sexual assault”.
Yes.
Father, stepfather, grandfather, two stepbrothers. Some iffy situations when I was around age 18. Multiple unwanted but not vehemently opposed scenarios after that stopped just short of being assault. Also multiple scenarios of…harassment? in which a report or recorded commentary would have been “too much,” but I still dream of those unpleasant scenarios 20 years later, and feel frightened and ashamed.
That sounds like common sense advise on the surface but it doesn’t work. There is the issue of relationship relativity and it varies by time, person and place. I don’t treat my daughters and mother the same way because the relationships are not the same. The same is true with coworkers. I keep things professional and lighthearted even when some of them say something very inappropriate (it happens very often in industrial environments and it is usually the women; some of the comments and jokes are filthy).
Likewise, I don’t treat sorority girls at Mardi Gras or strippers the same way as my mother or daughters either. They are there because they want to be sexualized voluntarily and I like seeing boobs as much as anyone.
The problem comes when there is a mismatch of expectations or a simple misreading of the situation for marginal cases. If you tried to stand by the road and show your boobs or dick around here today, you would be arrested and charged. Do the same thing during Mardi Gras in New Orleans and you would get cheers and lots of beads.
Everyone is someone’s daughter but that doesn’t mean that no one can find her attractive and wants to sleep with her. I don’t mean to imply that there are no boundaries because there obviously are. My ex-wife was in an elevator with a drunk acquaintance at a trade show when her pushed her into the side and tried to kiss her forcibly even though he knew she was married. She fought back and had him fired. That is real sexual assault. Lesser claims diminish the legitimacy of the real ones.
TokyoBayer:
I was raped by my older brother was I was about 12. He’s only four years older, but was at least average for his age and had already gone through adolescence where I was a scrawny little prepubescent kid. Didn’t have much luck resisting.
He also raped our younger brother and several other kids. My parents definitely did not want to address the issue.
I finally confronted him a dozen years ago, or so, and he didn’t apologize, but wanted sympathy instead. “Tokyo, you can’t believe the pain that caused me over the years,” were his exact words.
I told him to fuck off and we haven’t spoken since.
If you should ever happen to see him again, file formal rape charges against him.
I apologize for my anger. You are a cherished poster and I feel bad about the abuse you suffered from this asshole. Is there any chance that someone might cross paths with the douche and maybe hurt him?
Aspenglow:
At around age 6 or 7, I was fondled by the father of a neighbor friend. He grabbed me up, sat me in his lap and began touching my genitals through clothing. I squirmed off his lap and immediately went home. Told my parents and the response was to stay away from that guy. This was more than 50 years ago, so… times were different.
At age 12, I was invited to go on a “ride along” with the cop who lived across the street. He and his partner picked me up in their prowl car early one evening with my parents’ blessing. The neighbor cop spent the entire evening trying to get me alone with him and playing grab ass. He was very aggressive. My response was to stay close to the guy’s partner, who seemed to understand what was going on and ran interference for me. Again told my parents and their advice was the same: Stay away from that guy. As if they needed to tell me.
When I was 16, I took a job as an office person for a small automotive shop. The boss regularly chased me around the desk and basically gave me a “put up or shut up” ultimatum. I quit. A couple years later, a battery blew up in his face and he was badly scarred. Sometimes karma works out.
Simultaneous to that job, I worked part time as a phone solicitor. I lived on my own with a roommate at 16 and funds were very tight – else I’d have never taken such a miserable job. That boss never stopped pestering me to go out for drinks and touching me inappropriately whenever he caught me on my own somewhere, usually heading back from the loo. I quickly learned to curb liquids intake so as to not need a bathroom break during my shift. Was not sad when the whole office picked up and stole away in the middle of the night, leaving us all unemployed.
Too many men to count grabbed places with no encouragement or invitation during years when I bartended as an evening job. I turned down job offers to cocktail waitress even though tips were better, because I would have been too exposed and arms always occupied with a tray filled with drinks.
Was date raped once at age 19. Once was enough to learn me.
Was once nearly raped at age 24 in my own home in the middle of the night by a fellow who was a friend of an ex-roommate’s boyfriend who dropped by on the pretext of looking for his buddy. I had met him once and had barely acknowledged him. I think only my fury at this man’s behavior saved me that night. He grabbed my arm hard and I went ballistic. He let go and backed out of the doorway. Left fingerprint bruises and I felt fortunate to get away with just that.
At age 44, I was sexually harassed by the court executive officer of the court employees in the county where I worked. I wasn’t special. This guy harassed every female employee in his employ (about 80 women). It was ugly and bad. I alerted my judge to the behavior… he instigated an investigation by the Judicial Council. Their report was forceful in its recommendation to our 12 judges that they should fire the guy. Their vote was split 6-6 and nothing happened. I quit. Later learned the guy left because he got testicular cancer. Like I said… karma happens sometimes.
These are the incidents I can recall off the top of my head. I’m sure if I gave it a good think, I’d recall others. I’m not bitter and I just let this stuff roll off my back. But this shit is common in our society. Lots of women I know have suffered far worse incidents than me.
You are truly unique. I can’t imagine a better female role model than you. Thank you for sharing and for caring.
EinsteinsHund:
I’m male and I was assaulted one time when I was 15. I was swimming with some friends, but the walk from the lake to town was about 3 km. Around came a guy about 50 on a scooter who told us: “I can take you to the station on my bike, one by one.” Foolish naive 15 year old me consented, but after about a one km ride, he reached back and began to fondle my genitals. I immediately punched his arm, told him to stop, which he did, and got off the scooter.
As I got to the station by foot, I met two of my mates already waiting who had made the same experience. We never talked about it later, I didn’t talk to anyone at the time, maybe this post is the first time I ever talked about it, but I very much thought about telling my parents about it and press charges at the police, because I was aware that he did it to many people with that ruse, but in the end I was too ashamed. Wasn’t life shattering, but shocking and disturbing.
You recognized the attack and you defended it.
Your instincts are great. If your mates had a similar problem with the pervert, then I am sure that they would have shared the problem with you.
Let it go because you have moved on. You know what kind of people we share the world with. You did good.
EinsteinsHund:
I’m male and I was assaulted one time when I was 15. I was swimming with some friends, but the walk from the lake to town was about 3 km. Around came a guy about 50 on a scooter who told us: “I can take you to the station on my bike, one by one.” Foolish naive 15 year old me consented, but after about a one km ride, he reached back and began to fondle my genitals. I immediately punched his arm, told him to stop, which he did, and got off the scooter.
As I got to the station by foot, I met two of my mates already waiting who had made the same experience. We never talked about it later, I didn’t talk to anyone at the time, maybe this post is the first time I ever talked about it, but I very much thought about telling my parents about it and press charges at the police, because I was aware that he did it to many people with that ruse, but in the end I was too ashamed. Wasn’t life shattering, but shocking and disturbing.
You did the right thing. You met a bad person and you stayed away from them. There really isn’t much else you could have done.
[QUOTE=Newtosite;20546458
If he ever does get out, let us know. He won’t live to see two sunrises.
Shagnasty:
That is the problem with marginal cases of “assault”. It is dependent on perceptions of the people involved. Grabbing someone’s hand can certainly be assault in some cases but not others. So can hitting someone hitting someone in a butt cheek. Sometimes it is playful and other times it is meant to harass. It is extremely difficult to come up with strict definitions for such things because they vary wildly depending on the people involved and the situation.
I tend to reserve the use of the term “assault” and “sexual assault” for the unambiguous cases. I think that the overuse of the terms trivializes those that underwent real trauma rather than some that were just annoyed because someone read a social interaction incorrectly.
I have been assaulted (as in sent to people to prison for it) but I don’t believe I have ever been sexually assaulted even though I have been groped, solicited and sexually harassed. It just never mattered to me that much. I will reserve that term for the people that have had much more serious damage.
You were assaulted, so don’t try to minimize it. You have really taken charge of the situation and you are stronger for it. Good Job with dealing with the fallout. You are truly strong.
Unabashed_Fascist:
I guess technically yes.
I’m nearly 6’ 5" and 230lbs, and try to hit the gym every weekday so I do get some attention sometimes.
I’ve had my ass slapped, biceps grabbed and had people run their hands through my hair when it was long. This is by both men and women. My girlfriend, and our mutual friends liked going out to gay bars, and those places can be notoriously touchy at times.
None of it ever bothered me though, I always took it as a compliment. I haven’t been single since I was 15, so I have to brush it off no matter who it is. My girlfriend however, does not care for it.
Did someone care about this narcissist?
JcWoman:
I once tried to make my boyfriend at the time understand what it felt like to be a young woman with these constant fears of being molested. I phrased it by asking him how he would feel if every day strange women came up and grabbed his crotch or kissed him without asking. He said he would LOVE that, and that most guys would love it. He thought it would be very flattering. Which explains why guys are befuddled that women DON’T think it’s flattering.
I think you’re right on that last point. It comes from young girls, starting at puberty (or earlier for very cute girls), being suddenly treated like pieces of meat. I remember the transition I had between girlhood and puberty. It was so sudden that it was literally shocking. I was just another kid in the neighborhood/school and then suddenly all the boys were staring at my boobs, making offensive remarks in stage whispers to each other, no longer treating me like one of their friends. I once was necking with a boy in a park around a group of friends and the other boys were staring and just about drooling, like a pack of dogs waiting for their turn at a piece of meat. Even worse, when older men would behave like that. And that’s the beginning of about 30 years of similar treatment on a near-daily basis. (And I was never even THAT pretty.)
It’s not just boys and men, though. The media also is a major contributor to the sexualization/objectification of women. So yes, it sinks into a girl’s psyche.
I can only say I am sorry for the years of torment that you have dealt with.
I am glad that you are so strong. Keep up the good fight, I will help you if I can.
EinsteinsHund:
Thank you, Mighty_Girl . No, fortunately it didn’t leave scars, but I was surprised how the memory of this incident agitated me and made me angry yesterday when I posted my story. I hadn’t thought about it in a long time, but now I’ve got the urge to go back in time and get the police involved like I should’ve done then.
You already know that you have a lot of friends here. If you need any help at all, come here to the place where people love you and want to help.
Good Luck!
There is no shame for you. You are a good man, and you have done nothing wrong.
Just remember one thing, no one else can make you feel bad, you are the only person that can do that. Take care big man!
wonky
October 22, 2017, 1:57pm
94
The thread has gone exactly the way I expected, with a couple of posters trying to make it sound like it’s just completely impossible to avoid sexually assaulting people.
This board never surprises me.
Elemenopy:
Yes.
Father, stepfather, grandfather, two stepbrothers. Some iffy situations when I was around age 18. Multiple unwanted but not vehemently opposed scenarios after that stopped just short of being assault. Also multiple scenarios of…harassment? in which a report or recorded commentary would have been “too much,” but I still dream of those unpleasant scenarios 20 years later, and feel frightened and ashamed.
Don’t be ashamed, be proud that you are stronger than the life your ‘family’ tried to leave you with.
Your posts are important to us, please make sure that you keep sharing with us.
Elemenopy:
Yes.
Father, stepfather, grandfather, two stepbrothers. Some iffy situations when I was around age 18. Multiple unwanted but not vehemently opposed scenarios after that stopped just short of being assault. Also multiple scenarios of…harassment? in which a report or recorded commentary would have been “too much,” but I still dream of those unpleasant scenarios 20 years later, and feel frightened and ashamed.
I wish there was something I could do that would make you feel better. Please remember that there are a lot of people that like you, and care for you. I really am sorry about your past, but you have a lot of people looking for you to go into the future with us.
Love you!
The thread has gone exactly the way I expected, with a couple of posters trying to make it sound like it’s just completely impossible to avoid sexually assaulting people.
This board never surprises me.
If you are referring to me, I never said that. Real sexual assault is a serious crime and should be treated as such. The problem comes when people casually expand the definition to common or very subjective behaviors. It shouldn’t mean that someone that they didn’t like touched them on a bad day. The gluteus maximus muscle is no more of a sex organ than the biceps.
What I am arguing against is calling things “sexual assault” that are just plain old assault, simply rude or just unthoughtful. Don’t think I am exaggerating. Keep in mind that we have someone on this board that truly believes male-female handshakes are rape.
Shagnasty:
If you are referring to me, I never said that. Real sexual assault is a serious crime and should be treated as such. The problem comes when people casually expand the definition to common or very subjective behaviors. It shouldn’t mean that someone that they didn’t like touched them on a bad day. The gluteus maximus muscle is no more of a sex organ than the biceps.
What I am arguing against is calling things “sexual assault” that are just plain old assault, simply rude or just unthoughtful. Don’t think I am exaggerating. Keep in mind that we have someone on this board that truly believes male-female handshakes are rape.
I’m curious; when you and your friend plotted to share his girlfriend , whom you also considered a friend, in a room so dark she couldn’t tell who was whom, did you think you were going to commit plain old assault or sexual assault?
Lamia
October 22, 2017, 7:06pm
99
Threads like this are essentially asking victims to open up an old wound while in shark-infested waters. I don’t think the OP here or the OPs of similar threads had bad intentions, but as **jsgoddess **noted, these threads always go exactly the same way.
gigi
October 22, 2017, 8:40pm
100
Nawth_Chucka:
I’m curious; when you and your friend plotted to share his girlfriend , whom you also considered a friend, in a room so dark she couldn’t tell who was whom, did you think you were going to commit plain old assault or sexual assault?
But they didn’t have actually intercourse, so I guess it was OK!! :(:(:(
