Almost everyone I know has gone through the first two of these three phases with their parents:
First phase: Hero worship. They (and all other adults) can do no wrong. This phase lasts into adolescence. In my opinion, this phase and the thinking that goes along with it is unavoidable. It’s an instinct that protects us!
Second phase: Recognition of Flaws/Disillusionment. In my case, this was a negative thing. I was so angry that my parents had misrepresented themselves to me. They did have flaws! They weren’t perfect! They LIED about what they did and didn’t do! I have a few friends who went through this phase in a positive way.
Third phase: Acceptance and/or forgiveness. My parents are human and did the best they could with me. Any decisions I make from this point out are my own. My path is my own.
I am fortunate enough to be in the third phase. I know how fallible I am and that I would have to work my butt off to do as good a job as they did.
My brother, on the other hand, is still in the second phase. He blames my parents for everything that has ever happened to him.
How about you guys? Where are you? Do you agree with my theory? Any modifications?
Yes I have, and yes I agree with your theory. My parents were not ideal, my mother was/is very critical, and my father just wasn’t there a whole lot. It took a lot of time to stop feeling bitter, but when I choose to look at the situation objectively, I began to feel some sympathy for them & their choices. Now, I try to focus on being a better parent for my son, and trying to find common ground with my parents.
I agree, Canthy. We happen to live very close to my parents (one block away) so we see them a lot. If I weren’t past phases 1 and 2 it would be very hard on myself and/or Mrs. Pluto. As it is, we are pretty good friends. In fact Mrs. Pluto gets along better with my dad than I do.
My only quibble is that I don’t think the phases are clear cut – you pass through them at different times for different subjects. For instance, my dad is a pretty smart guy but at some point in my teens I realized I was smarter than he was. Then, like Mark Twain said, it was amazing how much he learned in just a few years. But it was a lot later in life before I learned about our relative strengths and weaknesses emotionally, and in other areas as well.
Never met 'em. Never trusted or liked adults they were inconsistant, or liars or wrong.
Glad was I to leave the homes . I was never molested but after police investigations about the treatment of children in state homes of the late 60’s and 70’s my instincts were totally justified.
I made myself so objectionable none of the perverts wanted anything to do with me.I very nearly strangled one of them too and my only regret is that I didn’t finish it.At least it left that one with lots of nice bruises nad a sore throat for quite some time.
Never met 'em. Never trusted or liked adults they were inconsistant, or liars or wrong.
Glad was I to leave the homes . I was never molested but after police investigations about the treatment of children in state homes of the late 60’s and 70’s my instincts were totally justified.
I made myself so objectionable none of the perverts wanted anything to do with me.I very nearly strangled one of them too and my only regret is that I didn’t finish it.At least it left that one with lots of nice bruises and a sore throat for quite some time.
As those who read the Mother’s Day thread in the pit know, my parents were very clearly very fallible. The funny thing is, I used to threaten to go to the cops about their treatment of me. They responded that I was welcome to do so…if I was prepared to be abused just as badly, if not worse, by foster parents. How unfortunate that they were right.