Legal position aside, good fucking work matey - hopefully that’ll stop the little shit touching another woman in the same way again.
I think your email was right on target,Mr. Bus Guy. I don’t believe violence solves violence, but imho, I think it was good you sent the email. There are too many people worried about that sack of shit taking you to court.
There was an incident of domestic violence in my family many years ago, and I still regret that I didn’t do more to stop it. And yeah I know, the victim of the abuse has a problem too. I get all that.
But at the very least these cowardly bullies need to be called on their actions.
Last update today:
He called about 20 minute ago. Very short conversation. She asked if he’s seen his e-mail.
No, he was on his way home from work. She says go read your e-mail then don’t call me ever again.
Now we’re all getting ready to go out for dinner.
Why? For her birthday.
Sheesh.
Happy 20th Bus Kid.
Different cautionary note from everyone else (though I was just skimming so might have missed it), is that people who are attracted to bad types do exist and do continue on finding and dating them.
Probably Bus Kid just got a lucky break, but pointing out to her that she might want to do a mental review of her past boyfriends to verify there is no such pattern wouldn’t hurt any.
Thank you for responding the way you did. I’m afraid I found out far too young that I couldn’t rely on my father to protect me, so I’m always happy to read about one who did. I don’t think you overreacted. From what I’ve read about men who abuse women, they tend to push things until they get busted and make excuses for their behaviour. I actually read up on such men when I was younger, trying to understand them and figure out how to identify them because there are some factors in my psychological makeup which would have made me a prime target for one.
I’ll repeat what others have told you. Your daughter may go back to him, or at least want to. Hell, I still can’t believe one woman in my city married her boyfriend after he shot her and tried to kill her, also because he didn’t like the way she was driving. He’s currently serving time for the attempted homicide. If Bus Kid shows signs of going back to him, you might want to mention that story to her.
Bus Kid might also want to consider counseling, if only to help her deal with him in future. Again this is based only on what I’ve read, but there’s often apparently a “honeymoon period” during which the guy acts sweet, loving, and charming, saying he’s genuinely sorry about what happened and it’ll never happen again. Until, of course, it does happen again. If she doesn’t want to see a counselor, maybe she can enlist the help of some close, trusted friends who won’t be afraid to point out he’s hit her once over something somewhat trivial and he may do so again. There’s also the small factor that hitting someone while they’re driving because you object to the way they’re driving isn’t likely to improve they’re driving.
Good luck to all of you. I’m sorry Bus Kid has to go through this, and, if she needs a hug, please give her one from me. Thank you again for standing by her.
CJ
I’m too young to have a daughter, but one of my friends is in this sort of situation - and at this point, she needs people around who’ll tell her he’s an arsehole because even now she’s still thinking of getting back together with him. I’m just posting to say, keep your priorities more on her than this guy - you might frighten him off ( and deservedly so ) but make sure she herself isn’t still wanting him back. She might not even talk to you about it ( I don’t know how close you two are, but it’s common for a daughter not to speak to their father from what i’ve seen ) so I don’t know if you know any of her friends well, but you could ask them to keep an eye on her and look out for her too, just in case.
Btw, way to go for the email. It may not have been entirely a good idea legally, but more guys need to be told what’s what like this. Just try and hold back from the actual punching if you see him, ok? 
Poor Bus Kid! Was she able to put this aside and have a happy birthday at least? I know there’s no good age to deal with something like this, but it pisses me off that she’s barely 20 and has already had such a wretched experience.
I won’t criticise your email or reaction. Growing up, I was a lucky kid who always knew my dad would be there for me and do his damndest to protect me. That meant a lot and gave me a world of confidence. Good for you for showing Bus Kid you’re in her corner!
Hey! What do you know? Somehow this applies directly to Siege!
First off, Happy 20th to Bus Kid!
I offer a quote:
Dangerous is wrath concealed. Hatred
proclaimed doth lose its chance of
wreaking vengeance.
Seneca
Roman dramatist, philosopher, &
politician (5 BC - 65 AD)
It takes some thought to understand it’s true meaning, as do most philosophical
quotes.
I think your email was a mistake. At the very least, the BF is likely to present it to the
judge in any restraint hearing that your daughter may initiate. For that reason it would
be advisable for you to be there, w/ a copy of this entire thread (as previously
suggested), and prepared to admit your poor judgment and perhaps even offer an
apology. I know that’s a bitter pill, but you, unfortunately, made the exact same
mistake as the BF in letting your emotions rule your actions.
You must absolutely understand that this is your daughter’s problem. Your role can
only be to advise. I would suggest that, in future, you ask her what she thinks is appropriate action to solve a problem, then if you have a better solution, you can discuss it w/ her. She must make the decisions and live w/ the consequences. She is an adult. She will be the complainant in any legal action. She must realize that the BF
may suffer some legal consequence if he pursues contact and she must be ready to
accept that. She has an emotional connection w/ this young man that transcends her
relationship w/ you.
The final decisions are hers alone.
What the fuck’s your point?
As a dad myself, I don’t know how upset I’d have been about this. Maybe plenty pissed, maybe not so much, depending on the details.
The current incident is clearly not acceptable.
If they’ve been together at least a year, she’s bound to have some keepsakes, Cd’s, or something of his. There will have to be provisions made for getting his stuff back to him. Maybe she can send it certified mail or something?
Also, as a man of your word, you’re committed to kicking his ass if he ever contacts her again. I ain’t no lawyer, so I’ll just say be ready to do what you said you’d do. I would.
SDMB is hypersensitive on this, it’d be almost impossible for this guy to get in trouble for sending that email. Even in our overly litigious society with somewhat excessive rules about certain things.
I don’t know enough about the law to comment of the Email, but hopefully it helps keep this jerk away.
Terrible situation and I bet you wish you could do a “Sonny Corleone” to this punk.
In many ways its a shame we can’t.
Good Luck and remind Bus Kid this guy will do it to her again if she ever forgives him.
I hope I never have to deal with this. My daughter is still only 8 so I have a few more years before I need to panic.
Jim
Good point.
He also might see the email as proof that you are the one coming between them; that your daughter is only telling him to cut off contact because you forced her to, and that he needs to rescue the princess from the tower. Furthermore, if he violates either of your rules and you don’t do anything, as you said you wouldn’t, he’ll conclude that you’re full of hot air and he has nothing to fear from you, and no need to fear consequences in general. (Yes, I know those two assumptions would contradict each other, but he doesn’t sound like a logical person.)
Good luck to her, at any rate.
Mr Bus Guy
You have already sent the E-Mail and so I would not keep worrying about the consequences of it. I am glad that your daughter has had her injuries documented. If nothing else, it could prove at least that the bruises were the result of a person punching her and not by a fall.
I did read all of this thread but just in case it hasn’t been mentioned, I’d definitely notify the campus police as well. I hope you don’t think I’m over-reacting but I’d advise her to carry pepper spray. This shithead literally has attacked her - twice. This jerk seems as if he needs a lot to learn his “lesson” so if he makes a 3rd attempt, a snootful of pepper-spray should stop him.
As far as your E-Mail, you are a father who has seen his daughter physically abused. I’d be very disappointed in our legal system if any of that could be used against you.
Being 5’3", I’ve had more than my fair share of bullies etc. (Hey, I carry pepper spray too). The greatest justice that could be served that dipshit is for him to serve some jail time. Hey, he’s tough enough to take it isn’t he? I mean he’s the macho strong man who beats up girls.
As you can see I’m pretty angry about this creep too. Had I sent the E-Mail, I would have ended it with:
I hope the next words you hear will be “Hi I’m Bubba and it looks like you and me are gonna be cell-mates pretty-boy”.
A similar situation happened to a very close friend of mine once.
It’s vital that you support her (okay that might be obvious) at this time because she’ll need it.
As confusing as it sounds, and as others have already mentioned, she may actually want to get back with this winner.
If he does contact her, he’ll likely make excuses for what he did.
You’ll have to remind her that a man striking a woman is NEVER acceptable.
I do think you are very lucky though, and you must be a great father.
After all, she did come to you about this, and this is ending now, instead of later, when a lot more damage could have been done.
I think you could consider this a victory of parenting.
(If that makes you feel better)
~Jotun
I have an 8 year old daughter, and when she gets to be dating age I’ll be pretty vigilant about the boys she dates. If she came home with bruises, I’d probably want to respond about the same was as Bus Guy. My advice, however, would be to address the punk in person. Either on the phone or in person. First of all, it’s more intimidating that way. And second, it doesn’t leave a paper trail. I also wouldn’t go into such specific detail as to what I’d do to him - probably something more vague like, “leave my daughter alone. Do you understand? This is your warning. You don’t want me to have to talk to you again if you contact her. It will be very unpleasant for you.” Not only does that keep the issue out of the realm of physical threats (“Unpleasant” could mean simply a restraining order or other legal approach), but it doesn’t tie your hands. If I were to make a specific threat, it’s then up to me to carry out that threat if the person violates the limits I set. So I’d never do it unless I was absolutely sure I was willing to carry it out.
You can put the fear of God into someone without tying your hands, violating the law, or giving him legal ammunition to use against you. But you’ve put yourself in a bit of a box now - if he hits your daughter again and you go there and wallop the tar out of him, well, he’s got that E-mail. He can show malice, forethought, etc. You won’t be able to claim that you just went to talk to him nicely and things got a little out of hand, or anything like that. If the kid is a real psychopath, he may even see your letter as his ‘get out of jail free’ card. “Go on, man! Touch me! After I show your E-mail to the cops, you know what will happen to you?”
So… E-mail, bad idea. Sentiment behind the E-mail - totally understandable.
The big problem I keep seeing is this: restraining orders do not protect people from other people who want to hurt them. In many cases, a restraining order is the triggering event that leads to a murder/suicide situation.
If your daughter is sufficiently physically threatened, she needs to be capable of either running away, finding someone to protect her at the time the threat arises, or - if she lives in the right jurisdiction - obtaining a permit for a concealed weapon, taking classes, and carrying it in self-defense.
This kid, the boyfriend I mean, doesn’t sound like the uber-violent type…yet. But they do exist, and plenty of people are dead who relied on their “restraining order” to protect them. Maybe this kid is the sort who’ll respect such a thing. And maybe he isn’t. When you know what sort he is, you’ll know what sort of steps Bus Girl should take.
I realize this is sucky situation to be in, but if I may add a little levity to this thread:
Man! Mr. Bus! Your E-mail had me in tears from laughing so hard!! Partly because I’m SO with you in spirit and partly because I know now: DON’T PISS MR. BUS GUY OFF!!!
I hope this guy gets whats coming to him.
Yes, because it’s always a good idea to add a gun to the mix in situations of violence.
No, but sometimes it is.