I tend to respond to incredulous stories like that by making light of them, e.g., “Wow! That was such a great story! Even if it is true, I don’t care to find out if it isn’t. Hilarious!” Accompanied with much mirthful laughter, back slapping, and tear wiping as appropriate.
It’s so obvious.
Masonic. Secret sniper for the military.
Definitely a Illuminati Assassin.
Probably Palladian Rite.
Jeeze, everyone knows that the first rule of
is that you never talk about
Sorry to hear that someone you admired turned out to be a liar and someone to not trust, Argent Towers. One the plus side, better to find out this way than a worse way (like lending him money).
The thing is he probably doesn’t feel like he’s telling outrageous lies. And therefore he’s not intentionally insulting you.
It’s like when a little kid tells a lie. They don’t have an understanding of what’s believable. You hear a lamp get knocked over in another room and ask what happened. They don’t tell you the dog did it. They tell you a bear came into the house and knocked over the lamp and then went back outside. To a small child, that’s a perfectly believable story and he’ll be amazed at your ability to detect he made it up.
Your friend is just a grown-up version of this. If he had just told you something like “I was a marine in the Gulf War” you probably would have accepted his story at face value because it seemed believable. But to this guy has apparently watched too many movies and TV shows. He feels a story about being a secret black ops sniper is not unbelievable. So he doesn’t feel he’s telling you an obvious lie.
I was going to ask how well you know him, how much time you’ve spent together, and this is the first time he’s pulled some bullshit story on you?
It’s sad when someone you like and respect does something so egregious it makes you rethink what you know. My best friend blew up on me over some seeming piddly little thing last Thanksgiving, and it’s still bugging me.
Wait, I thought they joined in?
I guess faking military service is more common than I thought.
I had a similar ‘friend’, Kevin, who would regularly talk about his service in the Marines. He was a regular at the happy hour bar and he’d tell very descriptive stories of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. He was apparently back home recovering from a bullet wound to his buttocks. This was when both wars were young, so some of us would routinely buy him a drink. He definitely knew the lingo, uniforms, weapons, etc. He actually carried a concealed gun that he showed me one day. He told me that he was allowed, since he was some kind of ‘special ops’ [I can’t remember the exact term he used].
One day, another military dude was in the bar and they were talking for while. They were both kind of drunk, and when Kevin left for the bathroom, the other guy grabbed his stuff and began to leave. I stopped him and asked if he was going to wait for Kevin so that they could say goodbye. He said: “No thanks. I don’t associate with asshole liars!”. When Kevin got back, I asked him why the other guy was so pissed. He told me it was due to a branch rivalry or something. I think the other guy was in the Army. They were both drunk, so I didn’t think much of it.
A few weeks later, Kevin told everyone that he had to go back to Iraq. We had a big going away party for him. A couple of the bartenders actually cried. We were all genuinely concerned that our friend was going back into the heat of battle. I remember opining that there should be a rule that if you’re shot by enemy fire in a war, they should not make you go back to that same war. But Kevin told us that he was happy to do it, and that it was his duty to serve the country.
Some time later, a bartender told us that Kevin was spotted at another bar in the city. Apparently, he was telling the same war stories to another group of suckers. I didn’t care that much, but some people were genuinely pissed. But we agreed that if he ever came back to the bar, we wouldn’t let him know that we knew the truth, just to see how long he would continue with the charade.
Sure enough, a few weeks later Kevin limped back to our bar. Yep, he got shot again!. This time in the thigh. He had to wait a few weeks to get surgery at a military hospital. Of course no one believed him, but we all just played along. He should’ve realized this when no one bought him drinks. Finally, one day when I wasn’t there, one of the female bartenders (watching him receive free drinks from some other patrons) got pissed and basically called him out for being a faker in front of everyone. We haven’t seen Kevin since. I’m glad I wasn’t there, as those situations always make me very uncomfortable.
I feel for you, Argent Towers. My older brother lies so much and so often I wouldn’t trust him to tell me the time of day. Mostly he lies because he thinks it’s funny to “get one over” on people. When he called me to tell me he got engaged, after I congratulated him, he laughed and said he was lying. A week later, I called my parents, and they told me he actually was engaged, and indeed he was, and had been at the time he called me. Why did he feel the need to lie to me?
And that’s why I barely speak to him any more. I hope your relationship with your brother doesn’t go the same way. I’m pullin’ for ya.
Take him to the range. Just for fun. See if he can shoot a gun as well as he can shoot the bullshit.
How do you know this story isn’t true? There’s a story I never tell because people would never believe it, so maybe he was just opening up to you because he felt he could trust you?
Well anyway, sometimes these really crazy stories are true.
For example some years after I had retired from the military a General I was friends with arrived by helicopter at my house where me and my 8 year old daughter were living. The General had horrible news: I had previously been the leader of an elite special forces team totally unknown to the American public, and all of my former team mates had been murdered in various different ways all on the same day.
The General was very convinced that an old enemy of my was gunning for me, and he left two of his best soldiers at my house to guard me and my daughter. Mere minutes after the General had taken off in his helicopter I smelled someone down wind and immediately took cover, unfortunately I did not have time to warn the soldiers sent to guard me and they were both instantly killed by gunfire. I told my daughter to hide in the house while I ran to get my assault rifle that I kept in a secret armory in my work shed, unfortunately by the time I fought my way into my daughter’s bedroom she had been taken, and in her place was one of the kidnappers who had waited to give me the list of requirements I would need to fulfill in order to have my daughter returned to me. Since I could see the escaping kidnappers vehicles driving off the mountain I immediately killed the guy in my kitchen and drove down the side of the mountain after the kidnappers, unfortunately they had disabled my engine and cut my breaks so I was essentially just driving a 4000 lbs metal sled down the hill in the hopes that I would intersect the cars below.
I fortunately was able to ram into the fleeing vehicle and immediately got out and viciously beat several of the kidnappers. Unfortunately someone hit me from behind (the first and only time this has ever happened) and knocked me unconscious. When I was revived I was faced with a deposed Caribbean dictator who my team had forced out of office by instigating a coup years before. Then the shock of my life came as my former teammate Bennett appeared, I had heard he had been killed when his boat was bombed but he had faked his death and was in fact in on the entire plot. The dictator informed me that I would be getting on a plane and returning to his country, where I would be responsible for single handedly overthrowing the democratic government we had installed in his place, and returning him to power. I was told if I failed to comply in any way my daughter would be killed.
He sent me with two of his men to the air port, one was there to report back to him that I had gotten on the plane, and the other man was there to escort me on the plane itself. They were wanted to leave nothing to chance and were insuring that if I had tried to cross them in any way they would phone to the men holding my daughter and she would have been killed.
Unfortunately for them after years of fighting using the most advanced unconventional tactics known to man I was able to immediately devise a plan of action. The moment me and my escort were seated on the plan I snapped his neck, killing him instantly. I asked the stewardess for a pillow and blankets for my “sleeping friend” and used them to cover up the fact that he was now a corpse. I then went to the bathroom as the plane took off and ripped the toilet out of the floor and climbed down onto the landing gear, which I then jumped from into a swamp (it was very fortunate there was marshland there as I was over 100 feet in the air already.) I immediately followed the man who had been sent to watch me, unfortunately he got into his car and I was forced to kidnap a stewardess in the parking lot to follow him (we later became good friends and sexual partners.) After following him we ended up at a mall where unfortunately I was made and he immediately fired several shots at me sending the mall into a frenzy as he rushed to the pay phones. Luckily for him I am the strongest man in history and I ripped the phone booth he was inside of off the ground and over my head and threw it across the room, effectively severing the telephone connection. After fighting off over 8 security guards at once I continued following the dictator’s goon and with the stewardess in tow proceeded to follow him up a precarious mountain road where he wrecked his car.
I quickly forced him to give me information and then threw him off a cliff to his death. From there I intercepted another one of the dictator’s men at a motel (killing him in a fist fight) and from there found a secret facility that had some convenient maps showing me exactly which small uncharted Caribbean island my daughter was being held on.
I then went to the nearest gun warehouse and found a secret cache of military weapons in the back, but unfortunately when I broke in with a back hoe it alerted the authorities and I was placed under arrest. Fortunately by this time the stewardess trusted me and she used a rocket propelled grenade to disable the police paddy wagon I was in and we escaped to a sea plane (which the stewardess knew how to fly) and proceeded to the dictator’s island fortress with a large cache of weapons.
Once I landed I proceeded to engage in some of the toughest fighting of my life. It was me against several hundred armed guards, and I killed them all to a man, many in spectacular fashion. In a brief shoot out with the dictator he was dead too, but my daughter was nowhere to be found, but I could hear her screams. Following the sound of her voice I went under ground and found that Bennett had her and a gun to her head. However, I had known Bennett for years and knew he had always hated me, so I taunted his ego and provoked him into discarding his gun and going one on one with me with only his knife. In the ensuing epic fight I was cut several times but eventually got the upper hand, which is when Bennett decided to pull a gun out to finish me. Unfortunately for him I immediately ripped a steam pipe off the ceiling and hurled it with such force it pierced entirely through his body and into a larger steam pipe behind him, immediately impelling him and actually allowing steam to pass from the larger pipe, into the smaller pipe that was impaling his body and out into the air in front of him.
So as you can see, sometimes those stories really are true. I would never have believed it if it hadn’t happened to me, though.
I used the wrong word, sorry. He was a prisoner of war in the first gulf war - Lt Jeff Zaun. We worked together in the late 90s before he got out of the Navy.
You know how I know this story is bullshit? Because you said you found the uncharted island on a MAP!! Uncharted islands aren’t on maps. Duh.
It’s always the little details that trip the liars up, no matter how plausible the rest of the story is.
I guessing that if this event REALLY happened, there’d be a whole lot of homoerotic vibes practically shooting out of Bennett. And you didn’t mention that either, so there’s a second reason right there!
Wrong word or not, I’m pretty sure that there have indeed been some Americans, including soldiers, kidnapped and held hostage in Iraq in the years since the war. Not all of them came back, either.
I’m sorry your friend and brother Mason turned out to be a fibber on a grand scale, Argent Towers. I’ve known a few of these types myself and the best way I could handle them was to distance myself.
As to the “swimming in military fakers” thing, this got me thinking. I wonder if there’s a lot of veterans in your Masonic lodge. The most neutral explanation for the fakery is that some men feel intimidated by veterans, so they spin tall tales in an attempt to fit in.
I’ve been lucky to know a few veterans well. I always let them know that this lilly-livered civilian appreciates their service. When they ask me why I never joined up, I reply that my dad said he fought W.W. II (11th Airborne, Luzon) so I’d never have to be in the army. This usually gets a good laugh.
Bri2k
Who, you?
Sounds like you’ve had a busy life! I don’t see how you found time to bone the maid.
As I said, probably more than half the members of the lodge are veterans, across all the age groups. We have active duty soldiers and Marines, retired career officers, and guys who served in Korea and Vietnam. None have ever bragged about their service in any way.
Dear Penthouse…
Or in this case “Dear Soldier of Fortune…”
Interesting comment about Bennett, I hadn’t thought of him in years…but as memory serves he was wearing leather pants and a chain mail vest. He almost talked to me with lust in his voice, too, even when we were getting ready to do mortal combat.
So there maybe something to the homoerotic vibes thing.
At first I thought you were going in a completely different direction…