even sven, you have a great point. It’s a different economic landscape from a generation ago. However, I still think there is a world of difference between eating cheeto’s on your mom’s basement couch all day vs. having to live with extended family but still being responsible for building your vocation/career and your own adult life. I have no issues with several generations living together to pool resources. There’s a lot of advantages to that if the relationships are healthy and the parent-child relationship changes to respect the adulthood and personal autonomy of the now-adult child.
I work with a lot of people whose mid-20s children not only live at home, but haven’t pursued education, can’t get up in time (by themselves) for their McJobs, don’t know what to do when their car breaks down, etc.
My sister’s 21-year-old lives with her. He works full time, did about a year of school and dropped out due to lack of financing (and lack of ability to finish things). Not long ago, she told me that she had to have a sit-down with him about picking up after himself around the house. She explained that yes, I’m your mom and I’ll always be your mom, but I’m not your mommy anymore. You are an adult now and what adults do is pick up after themselves and take care of the place they’re living in for sanitation, hygiene, and other reasons. It’s just what you do. “But mom, I work all day and I’m tired.” And my sister said, yeah, what do you think the last 21 years of my life have been like? Welcome to adulthood. The light bulb went off and she says he is getting better at pitching in to do his fair share around the house.
See, just because the kids live with you doesn’t mean you have to still act like they’re five and can’t do much for themselves. You’re still the parent and you still need able-bodied adults in the home to contribute to the home. That’s the difference between what I was talking about and other cultures you’re referring to. I used to work with a Vietnamese family – the mom and five of seven kids all worked the same shift at the same place. They all lived together and every last one of 'em was over 18. On payday, they handed their paychecks over to Mama. But one was in med school and another was driving an expensive sports car and they all had independent adult lives but contributed to the family finances and chores as a tribe, if that makes sense.
It’s a whole other kettle of fish to make your 28-year-old son’s doctor’s appointments for him, buy his boxer shorts otherwise he won’t remember to, cover his car payments for him, cook all his meals, and do all the housework behind him while he masters World of Warcraft in your basement. I betcha that Vietnamese household full of adults ran like a well-oiled machine. (Judging from how Mama ran her clan. ;))
I wonder if there is a correlation with staying close to home. Most of the kids I know in the neighborhood who are still at home never left. Even college was close. Kids who went away to college might have moved back in for financial reasons for a while, but they seemed to get out as soon as possible. I think that kids who go to college reasonably far away manage to figure out how to survive on their own.
To be fair, they used to have wives to do all that. Being rich enough to support a full-time homemaker made the whole “independence” thing a much sweeter deal.
There’s a difference between guidance and helicopter parenting, IMO. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking or receiving advice from a parent. When a parent sits in on a job interview, takes a direct role in negotiating salaries and mails of resumes on behalf of their child a line is crossed I think. At the age of 16 when I was looking for my first job I would have been mortified if one of my parents insisted on accompanying me on my interview.
In that environment you’d be socially retarded if you wore a suit. But I suppose you think Eddie Albert in “Green Acres” was a with-it guy - he always wore a suit, after all.
Interesting, and I agree. My father didn’t go to college and while my mother did it was Brooklyn College, which had no campus life. Besides the college life issues that you mentioned, parents who have been are much better at helping kids through the application process. I did it myself, helped by the fact that we only could apply to 3 and that I had worked in the high school College Office and so had access to lots of reference material. Now that you can apply to a million it is helpful to have a parent who could ask questions and give guidance about what is important.
It works for graduate school also. I did everything wrong about applying, but had the luck of a fool and did well.
No, you’re right. A fat guy wih a ponytail drinking Red Bull by the case wearing cargo shorts is the height of with-it.
Does that happen much? I’ve heard annecdotal tales of parents calling up their kids manager at actual real corporate jobs because they didn’t get a decent review. But I never actually met anyone where that’s actually happened.
I can tell that you’ve never been near a microprocessor design team. We don’t have any Red Bull in our free drink case. Distribution of weight is probably a lot better than you see in your average WalMart. But we get judged on what we do, not what we wear. How un-American is that!
And to break another bubble of yours, pretty much everyone is married and has kids.
According to the PDF I linked earlier most of the more outrageous behavior does not happen all that often. i.e. Only 4% of the people who responded to the survey said they had a parent showed up to an interview. And of those respondents, we don’t know how many interviews they have conducted. I suspect the more outrageous examples we’ve heard about are pretty rare. I hope they don’t become more common.
Also, I don’t see this reflecting poorly on the younger generation. It reflects poorly on the parents I think.
I’ve worked at large and small tech companies and if I ever saw my boss or any of my coworkers wearing a suit, I’d assume we were under investigation or that someone had died.
I suppose a lot of that depends on the culture of the industry, and the culture of the city or region where you happen to be. I rather like wearing a suit myself, but it’s a difficult practice to maintain in Southern California during daytime hours. From my perspective, this isn’t for fear that my coworkers will point and laugh at anyone who wears a suit, but rather because almost invariably indoor spaces are so warm that I end up taking the jacket off. And let’s face it…to get the desired visual effect that a suit provides, you need to keep the jacket on.
To be clear, I’m not saying that anyone who wears a suit is stupid. I’m just objecting to the attitude that anyone who doesn’t wear a suit isn’t serious. I dress more formally than most people here, but that’s because I’m old.
Definitely, but would you want to hire someone with so little forcefulness that they couldn’t keep a parent from showing up? Most jobs require you to be at least a little bit influential with your peers - this wouldn’t be a good sign.
No. My mother dealt with this when she interviewed a nurse who brought along her husband for the interview. I mean he sat in on the interview. My mother refused to hire her believing that any nurse who could not interview on her own would be incapable of home health care. I would automatically disqualify anyone from employment who could not go through an interview alone (not counting reasons of disability of course).
Hell, I once interviewed a disabled graphic artist in a wheelchair and she still did the interview alone. Her caretaker/dad wheeled her in, left her with us, and I sent someone to fetch him to come get her when we were through.
When I was interviewing at potential colleges, my mother was invited into the interview room at the end of one interview. I think this was at Claremont McKenna. I found that odd. Fortunately she just said that she was impressed by the school but ultimately this was my decision. I don’t recall how many schools I actually interviewed at, but that was the only time anyone even acknowledged that a parent was even nearby.