I can’t believe this happened to me! In the last 24 hours (I swear to you) a vine has made its way through a crack next to my back door, up the wall, over the ceiling and then hung down in front of the door’s windows. This is a distance of 6-8 feet! It was not there last night when I put my laundry in the dryer (which is right next to the crack). How fast can these suckers grow? Should I start taking a can of weed killer to bed with me?
It’s either your imagination or…
1: IIRC correctly the fastest growing terrestrial plant is a species of bamboo which can grow 2-3 feet a day under ideal circumstances which is well short of your 6-8 feet scenario.
2: Alternatively this plant is in a slightly different dimensional time reference frame and for every day of sidereal time etc etc… You get the picture.
3: The proud boast you made last week of “I can give it up anytime I want” is looking pretty hollow at this time isn’t it?
In any case … Aiiieeeee!!!
A can of weed killer to bed with you?!?!?! WTF man, go outside and wring the damned thing’s roots out of the ground, pound a silver stake through them and burn the whole mess.
Chances are that won’t work, though. If it doesn’t, you can make it go away by cutting down on those pink mushrooms.
I tend to think astro pegged it with the answer behind door #2.
Hey, aside from the occasional beer, I’m drug-free, so I think that just makes me nuts…
Still, I swear the thing was NOT there yesterday.
As far as pulling it out, I already did that to that one. Unfortunately, the back of the house is covered in vines because I stupidly decided a long time ago that I liked vines and now I’m just too damn lazy to take care of the problem they’ve become.
Anyway, I still don’t get it.
Check for large, green mutated Brussel sprout-like seedpods, if they are as large as a Labrador retriever, you need to notify the National Guard. Trust me, I saw this in a movie once.
Here’s whatcha do. Get an industrial strength weedeater with the metal blade. Get rid of the pods first. Those will cause you problems by morning. Then start whacking the vines. pkbites is an expert on weird shit, so try to get some advice from him.
They haven’t started growing into people yet, but I’ll keep all of you posted.
“An intellectual carrot. The mind boggles.” --The Thing
Didn’t Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors grow 6-8 feet after he ate his first human???
I wouldn’t leave any raw meat around…
Bring in a dog, let him urinate on it, and see what happens.
If the vine turns the dog inside out, run.
If not, kick the dog for pissing inside the house.
Hope this helps…
Audrey II. Audrey was the chick with the squeaky voice that Seymour was in love with.
The real question is if it is “a Triffid that spits poison and kills?” (name that quote!)
Sell the house, man. You’re a goner.
It sounds familiar. I’ll ask Janet… or Dr. Scott… or Janet… or Brad… or Rocky…
Janet! Dr. Scott! Janet! Brad! Rocky!
Well, as of this morning, the vine has not returned. I’m beginning to feel safer.
For what it’s worth, one segment of bamboo, of any variety, is equal to a day’s growth. You want to find the fastest-growing bamboo? Find the one with the longest segments.
You sure that isn’t kudzu? Can’t think of any other sort of vine that would grow even remotely that fast.
http://www.nsf.gov/nstw_questions/bota/quest018.htm
I thought bamboo was the fastest growing woody plant?
Bleah. Now this has gotten me curious! It seems everyone’s giving contradictory figures! 4 ft per day for bamboo. Only 2 ft per day for bamboo. 3 ft per day for giant kelp.
Must… find… reputable… source…
Don’t give anyone ideas. The Morality Police (C) will prosecute, you know. 
That’s confusing. Do you mean the segments all disappear overnight and return in the morning at a new length? Or do you mean that the difference in the segment length from one day to the next is the measure of growth? Or you you mean that a new segment grows at the top each day denoting that day’s growth?
Don’t cheat. I know the answer.
I’m very reputable. Or do you mean someone with a GOOD reputation? That’s very different.