I want to SOUND more empathetic. But it’s not that I’m looking to fake anything. I honestly feel what seems like enough empathy. The problem is putting it into words.
My suggestions:
So, quit your job.
None of us do.
Been there, done it.
Well, honey, who can?
Me too.
I guess I’m not very empathetic either for this kind of stuff. I just don’t need coddling for minor things like colds and not being able to buy a new dress. Don’t beat yourself up for not being a mollycoddler. Someone may have a real emergency and need your words then. I suspect you won’t have to fake them.
Actually, you are showing empathy by letting me know that others have this problem.
Not really. I look at it as being a thing you practice and get good at or avoid and then you suck at it. I’m in the latter group. I have a good friend who was very close to her mother and father - spoke to them daily. They both died within the past year and I was a real failure at providing support. Even though I feel genuine sadness just thinking about it right now.
Okay, sound sympathetic. I think you’re right - it’s sort of like making small talk. You practice it until you get more comfortable with it. Maybe the first thing to realize is most people appreciate you just making the effort to say something sympathetic, even if you don’t hit the nail right on the head. Then to say something sympathetic, I guess what would sound sympathetic is something that acknowledges that the other person is feeling badly, and you feel badly that they feel badly.
This is a critical management skill. When a woman in the work environment dumps a load, you don’t really have to listen. Just twist your eyebrows into any irregular pattern and tilt your head slightly to the side and focus your eyes on the spot right between her eyes. Carry on thinking about the Farnsworth account while you wait patiently for the eventual pause, then touch her gently on the elbow while you nod with a barely perceptible increase in head tilt. You can usually guide her back to her desk from that elbow.
Ooh. Careful. You don’t sound like the type of personality that can safely get away with touching a woman at work - even the elbow.
Not my mother… one time that she exasperated me particularly badly, I told her when she gets to Heaven she’ll try to take over. She thought about it a bit, then said “and why shouldn’t I?”
Some pointers:
“a-ha” (in an “I hear you” tone)
“oh, why?” (for example in response to “my boss is impossible”)
“really?”“you’re kidding me!” etc (in a tone that shows you’re not really disbelieving the story, but disbelieving that someone would be so selfish/stupid/etc as whomever has offended the person telling the story)
And even if what they told you reminds you of something else, learn to shelve it until they finished. Don’t interrupt except for “I hear you” noises, don’t spend half their tale thinking about the one you want to tell.
Most of the time people don’t want either comfort or solutions, just someone to listen actively.
4.66 has hit on an important shortcut to trust that therapists have used for years: rephrase and repeat what the speaker just told you (in the form of a question if you’re unsure about it). They’ll feel like you’re deeply in tune with their emotions, even though you’re really just stating the obvious.
Nava has excellent points about using open-ended questions to drag details out, and expressing disbelief at the injustices of the world that the poor suffering coworker must endure. “We’ll get those bastard blimps!” is an appropriate response when that’s what the complainer is feeling too–the key is to be in tune. If the complainer is indignant, get indignant. If they’re shocked, be shocked. Etc. No need to overdo it, but reacting in a similar way to how they’re reacting reaffirms the “rightness” of their own thoughts and actions. Which in turn justifies whatever they were going to do next, which is generally the whole point of the exercise if the complainer comes to you for “advice”.
No one has suggested my favorite stock response:
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
It conveys sympathy without seeming to invite much more discussion.
And if you do wish to prolong the conversation, you could use a trick I learned on a sitcom years ago. It works perfectly with chatty but barely inteligible 3yr olds. Just repeat the end of what they’ve said with question inflection.
Exampe:
Them: My boss is impossible blah blah blah blah blah blah blah and then he didn’t even pay for the supplies!
You: He didn’t pay for the supplies?
Them: No! Can you believe blah blah blah blah blah. . .
Or
Them: I don’t have time to do blah blah blah blah blah then I have to blah blah blah on top of that.
You: You have to blah blah blah on top of all that? I’m sorry to hear that.
Them: Yes, I really don’t know how I’m going to find the time to blah blah blah.
Or
3yr old: And then my imaginary friend said that it was time to see the moon over the tv and yesterday we didn’t go outside with the library books and we had ice cream.
Me: Ice cream?
3yr old: Yes it was yummy and blah blah blah blah blah blah. . .
This is useful when people want a sounding board. You don’t need insight to the situation (or even to know what they heck they’re talking about) to sound empathetic this way.
Thanks again, especially the last three posts.
It sounds to me like your more empathetic than you realize, but you just have trouble putting it into words. The fact that you care about this speaks volumes about you.
I was going through a bad patch at a job and a co-worker that I didn’t know very well put a candy bar on my desk and said “feel better, or cheer up” something like that.
It might seem silly but it did make me feel a little better and I was sort of touched. Sometimes if you have trouble expressing something in words, do it with a small gesture.
HaHA - I suggested that in post #20. PWNED! Oh, sorry, was that not empathetic of me? 
One more problem example came up. How do you show empathy here?
You’re talking with a friend and s/he says: “I really hate X.” And you happen to like, respect, agree with X. Now if we’re talking about celebrities, no problem. “I hate really hate Joakim Noah” leads to “Really, what is it about him that gets to you?”
But let’s say it’s around the 2004 election where (in my community at least) there’s lots of hostility floating around, and a friend says: “I really hate Bush (or Kerry)!” and you happen to be on the other side, and also have strong feelings. And you don’t want an argument, in fact would prefer that your friend not even know your point of view. Any ideas?
So far the suggestions have been extremely on target and helpful.
If I have an opposite opinion, and it isn’t worth getting into a fight, I usually just say nothing. You could also say something like, “Yes, a lot of people seem to feel that way.” If pressed to give your own adversarial opinion, you can say something like, “Well, I realize you like Mr. X, but I am not so sure myself.” and then change the subject. If REALLY pressed, like the other person is spoiling for a fight, then the gloves come off - If I have evaded your question a couple of times and you are forcing me to answer, you’re probably not going to like my response much at this point.
I learned when I was tending bar and my money depended on getting along with people that you just shake your head like a bobble doll and say “boy, you’re right about that”, or “that’s the truth.” In fact I got so good at it that I perfected the head shake and and mumble that I didn’t even have to listen. As a matter of fact if I bent down low enough they didn’t care if I said anything. J/K
I sit with two old guys at the dog park and they’re both very sweet but I don’t agree with 90% of what they talk about. It’s a little harder when your not getting paid to listen, but I just nod along.
One of my favorite’s.
Thanks, I should’ve known a bartender would have figured this one out. I can see it working for people I’ll never see again, but I’d be scared to say that to a close friend, then have them run into another close friend of mine and find out I was lying. Maybe this one is a little too hard for now.
Empathy is one thing; agreement about opinions is another.
Saying “oh, why?” when someone says he hates your candidate is open-ended and says you’re listening; it doesn’t say what your opinion is. Saying “so do I!” is neither open-ended, nor about listening… and would be a lie.
I agree. I think in a very heated environment it’s hard to pull off. Or, maybe I just need more practice. Or both. Or maybe I have to balance my desire to be empathetic with a friend with a long-term desire to get along.