I have a dear friend who is an English professor. We frequently talk about books and frequently have very different opinions.
She has recently started writing poetry and short stories and is sending them to me.
They’re not bad, just not my kind of thing. The reaction I usually have after reading them is “Hmmmh.” If I did not know the author I would not be inspired to seek out more by the author.
I’m not going to say “don’t send me more stuff” or “I don’t like your stuff.” She doesn’t even send them too me asking for feedback. I think she just needs to share something she’s worked hard on. I see my job as being a supportive friend.
I just can’t think of what to say that doesn’t sound lame. “I think it’s great that you’re writing!” “lovely imagery.” Saying nothing doesn’t seem very nice either.
Except sometime when her stories are thinly veiled autobiography that ends with the death of some character who seems to be a real life person. Then I’ll be all “What the hell is up with that?”
Went through this with my mom. How you handle it depends on how pushy the other person is, really. My mom would submit her poetry to everyone in her email list and whine and complain when she didn’t receive universally-positive feedback. I had to lie and say I hate ALL poetry (because I really like good poetry, but not hers) before she left me alone about it. So if your friend gets pushy, just lie and say you hate all poetry. If she never gets more pushy than she currently is, it sounds like you’re handling the situation as well as can be expected.
And, in a related PSA, I can’t say this often enough: unless someone has paid to publish your poetry, there’s a >99% chance that it’s awful.
I think “Thank you for sharing this with me,” would work fine. You don’t have to thank her for the great work (especially if she’s not asking for feedback), just for the gesture of friendship.
There’s a local artist who I’ve befriended at my yoga studio. I saw that he had a showing at a gallery recently and I checked it out. How can I put this? It was… interesting? Very post-modern, for lack of a better term. Some of it seemed pretty random and WTF-ish. A couple of things were kinda-sorta cool, but most of it I just didn’t get.
When I told him I went to check out his work, he asked what I thought. I know enough about the guy to know he knows his stuff is weird and not meant for massive consumption, so I wasn’t worried about hurting his feelings. In fact, I felt honored he would ask me the way he did…it was almost like he trusted that I’d tell him the truth and not gush. But I didn’t want to answer with the full-on truth–which is that I didn’t really like any of it.
So I asked him how he had constructed one of the more recognizable installations, the one that looked like a cat (which is why it was memorable to me).
I guess if I were you, I’d ask your friend about the mechanics of what she does. Where does she get her inspiration from? What time of the day does she write? Does she know what’s she’s going to write before she plans it, or does it just flow out of her. She’ll likely assume that if you’re interested in her process, you at least respect what she does. Most artists want to be understood more than they want praise.
Grin! I think we may have the same correspondent in common!
There’s no easy answer, but, ultimately, if you don’t feel like reading it, don’t read it. It’s a free country, life is short, time is valuable, and reading-time is precious. I’ve got stuff I want to read. It’s no gift of friendship to me to shove stuff at me that I don’t want to read.
A little diplomacy, is all. “Thanks, but I haven’t started reading it yet. Hold off on the next installment till I get back to you.”
I think if she keeps up at this level, you seem to be doing just fine. She wants to show her work to a supportive friend, and you seem to be making the right somewhat approving noises.
If she ever comes out and asks you specifically what you thought, that’s when you employ a little evasive tact: “oh, you know, I’ve always had a hard time with poetry since that class in high school where the teacher spent the entire *year *covering the imagery of Annabel Lee…” or “I think that your phrases are really lovely, but I just find that poetry doesn’t really strike me like prose does.”
But I wouldn’t do that unless she got pushy about actual specific feedback about her work.
I think some people may have missed that the OP said it was poems and short stories that her friend was sending. So the “I just don’t like poetry” strategy could result in a flood of short stories to fill the void.
You can say something along the lines of “Post-modern sea shanties is really outside of my expertise. I love reading what you send over, but I’m not sure how much helpful criticism I can provide.”
That puts the burden on you for not being versed in the genre.
As a bit of an amateur songwriter I can tell you that the kind of vague, non-committal responses you guys suggest is maddening. If you don’t like it then say so. I can tell you with no pride that I have never had somebody say “that sucked”; I would prefer honest feedback.
The problem there is that the “clueless” don’t normally have the necessary self-awareness to KNOW they’re clueless, so when you step it up to a direct confrontation, they had no idea that this was an issue (because they’re clueless) and now they’re hurt and offended that you all of a sudden decided that you aren’t interested. The idea that you weren’t interested from the start and went along with them isn’t one that they easily accept, because they figure they “would have noticed” if you were unhappy -* because they don’t know they’re clueless.
*
Your only hope with a clueless creative friend is to recognize them as socially clueless BEFORE they start something like this, and head them off on the first attempt. That doesn’t work well because it’s hard to tell they’re clueless at the start of a relationship, and we’re programmed to be socially nice to people, even when they do clueless things like give out their unpublished writings to people who aren’t interested.
But sometimes my feelings about proffered art don’t rise to the level of “this is totally awesome!” or “that sucked”. Often I just feel not too much at all, like I said in the OP, “Hmmmh”
Well, yes, except that for every person who is as open and honest as you are, there are thirty who will not accept such a verdict with any kind of grace. After having dealt with tantrums a few times, we learn to be excessively circumspect.
This is especially true when I don’t want to be in the position of making a verdict of any sort at all. Creative people need to learn not to expose their art to others who don’t truly and seriously want to see it.
A: I’ve written a book…
B: Hey, that’s great! When can I see it!
That’s music to our ears!
A: I’ve written a book…
B: Uh, so, have you seen Iron Man 3 yet?
That’s a real strong clue, which, alas, far too many writers don’t know how to listen to.
I think writers must really tread carefully. Because it’s not like you can easily evaluate their work with a glance, like you can with a song or with a painting. It takes work to sit down, focus, and read. Then you have to think about it and figure out what it all means. There’s a reason we have to take classes to appreciate good writing. It just doesn’t come naturally to most people.
And I agree with Trinopus. I think it is rare that an artist wants honest critique from any and everyone. Hell, I don’t think very many people want honest critique about what they do, even if they ask “What do you think?”
Give feedback that’s honest, whether it’s asked for or not. If the friend doesn’t like it they will stop sending. If they get pissed if you don’t like something, and cut you off, they weren’t much of a friend.
