"You know, you’re really starting to piss me off about this whole thing. You ARE a superhero and you know it. Despite the lack of cape, mask and secret identity you are a superhero. I’m gonna make you realize that if it takes my entire life. I’m really angry right now. "
“Also, I don’t have an arch-nemesis.”
“You do NOW, you son of a bitch!”
I can’t be a super-hero. I can’t afford the insurance. Some jerk on that plane I saved wants to sue me for not saving him sooner…
If you make Character A the wife of Character B–
CA–You have an Arch-Nemesis.
CB–You Mother doesn’t count.
Ha! That was the first thing that came to my mind when I saw this thread title.
The second was “You sure are an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Mild-mannered reporter and millionaire playboy have nothing on this. Best. Superhero job. Ever.
This is reminding me a bit of one of my favorite comics ever, the all-too-short-lived John Arcudi/Doug Mahnke series “Major Bummer” from the late '90s. Say, did DC ever collect that series?
A - “You have a sidekick.”
B - "I do not. [It’s a Suzuki Samurai. Big difference] or [Dick just helps out around the house.]
A - “What about your weakness? Every super hero has a weakness.”
B - “I’m lactose intolerant. That’s not the same as kryptonite.”
B: --and to cap it off, I don’t have an origin.
A: A what?
B: No origin, dude. No reason to super-hero. No big character-defining moment. Hell, I don’t even know how I got these powers.
A: What, you just woke up with them?
B: Pretty much.
A: Then… you’re a mutant! THAT’S your origin! You use your powers to defend those who hate and fear you!
B: Oh, well when you put it THAT way, sign me the hell up. Anyway, it wasn’t all at once, it was more of a gradual thing. I didn’t even notice it at first.
A: How do you not notice being invulnerable to bullets?
B: By not being shot?
A: …Okay, fair point. But the flying thing, that’s got to have been a pretty obvious giveaway.
B: Well yeah, but… look, to be honest, I was flirting with Scientology at the time. I just thought it was a perk of the system.
A: No kidding? What convinced you otherwise?
B: Funny about that… Back then I was still getting the hang of superspeed, and one day I flew so fast that I broke the time barrier. I wound up back in 1950, and accidentally killed L. Ron Hubbard in battle while he was being mind-controlled by aliens. So I had to replace him with an android duplicate and create Scientology myself just to preserve the integrity of the timestream.
A: Seriously?
B: Fuck no.
How about this:
B: “Ok, the super part I can’t deny. But I’m not a super-HERO. I’m really not even a super-Good Samaritan. I’m just a, a… I dunno, a super, uh Super-Law Abiding Citizen.”
A: “s-l-a-c… Slac? no, that sounds like some kind of lizard man”
**A:**What about that summer at cheer leading camp?
B: What?
A: Forty-thousand orgasms?
A:::Blushes:: That was pretty cool…
“Chad? Sure he stole my girlfriend back then, but I’m totally over it.”
“Then what happened to his house last week?”
“Freak meteor strike, man. Nothing to do with me”
“I’m just a janitor”
“I thought you were the super, man”
B: I’ve never slept with Lana Lang.
A: Um, has anyone but Superman?
B: Oh, yeah. Marvel, DC, I think she even had a go with the Image and Archie superheroes. And heroines.
A: Oh. Well, if I got you her phone number and she had hot groupie sex with you, would you call yourself a superhero?
B: Worth a shot, I think… Wait, I’ve never died and come back, fought a clone of myself, turned temporarily evil or been parodied by Kurt Buseik’s Astro City!
A: I’m pretty sure Lana Lang can help with the arrangements…
A. Well, you also wear your underwear outside your tights.
B. Oh for the love of God, that was ONE TIME! In Vegas. And there were hookers involved. That hardly qualifies me for “superhero” status.
Um… how does that distinguish her from Spider-Mn & the Fantastic Four?
:: shrugging ::
As I envision the character, he doesn’t put up with crap like that any more than he puts up with the government telling them he has to work for them. His attitude comes down to “Hey, you guys find any kryptonite yet? No? Then bite me.”
“I don’t have a dysfunctional relationship with a smokin’ hot girlfriend… wait a minute… if I become a superhero, do I get a smokin’ hot girlfriend?”
That’s what makes it a joke, didn’t you ever see Stand by Me?
Maybe it’s only funny in my own twisted mind
Character A: Two years ago, you told me you got your powers after being doused with volatile chemicals. Then last week, you told me you got them after discovering an ancient medallion in a cave. You’ve been RETCONNED! Superheroes get retconned!
Character B: That’s not a retcon. I was just lying to you.
A: Last week I met your Golden Age counterpart from a parallel world and he kept going on about fighting Hitler.
B: Nah, that was just my grandpa. He wasn’t even in the war. 4F.
A: Oh? What’s wrong?
B: Nothing actually, at the induction center he accidentally read a poster in the next room instead of the eye chart, so they thought he was nearly blind.