Help me finish this super-hero joke

Cafe Society
1

So in odd moments, when I’m not working on my horrible, horrible novel or my boring, boring job, I’ve been penning notes for a very jokey story about a super-powered character. I phrase it thus because the character, whose about as powerful as Superman, insists he’s not a super-hero. It’s not that he’s a villain, or even a jerk; he’s perfectly willing to do good deeds if it’s necessary, the way as a normal person, seeing somebody on the side of the road with a flat tire, might pull over and get out his own jack. It’s just that his scale is better. But he’s not willing to make a career out of it, or to do it in any systematic way.

In the story, it’s been about a year since the character was outed as having super-powers, and he’s arguing with one of his friends about whether he’s a super-hero. The dialogue will go something like this:

CHARACTER A: The commissioner’s office called while you were getting take-out. They want to know if you can help them bust some drug shipment tomorrow night, but they couldn’t get you on your cell phone. Didn’t you see the the signal?

CHARACTER B: Of course I saw the signal. How am I gonna miss a giant flaming “B” over downtown? I ignored it. The phone too.

A: What the hell for?

B: Because I figured they wanted me to do some stupid super-hero crap, and I am not a super-hero. Now if you’ll excuse me, “House” is about to come on.

A: Dude, you’re TOTALLY a super-hero. I mean, you just flew from Chicago to Memphis and back in five minutes just to get barbecue.

B: It’s Corky’s Barbecue, dude. It’s worth it.

A: Last week you caught a falling airliner on national television.

B: Not my fault it was on TV. The fact that I’m not a callous creep doesn’t mean I’m a super-hero. You’ll note that I don’t wear a cape.

A: Spider-Man doesn’t wear a cape.

B: Fine. I don’t wear a mask –

A: The Fantastic Four don’t wear masks.

B: – or have a costume or secret identity or any sort of code name.

A: Buffy the Vampire Slayer doesn’t have a costume or secret identity or code name.

B: How is “the Vampire Slayer” not a code name?
I want one more super-hero trope to mock in this sequence. Any thoughts?

2

I don’t have an arch-nemesis?
Can’t come up with the other half, but I think there’s something there.

3

What about Chad from the community college?

4

A. “Vampire Slayer, it’s a job description.”

5

“You could get a logo and sell some t-shirts, man.”

6

I think that the joke should end with this:

-What about (Insert regular name of regular person here)?

-What? s/he is not a superhero!

-Well, s/he does (do something somewhat unusual but mundane at the same time).

-Good point.

7

-“Listen, I am not a superhero. For God’s sake man, I live in a brick ranch house with a fence and a yard. I don’t have a secret lair, or a Fortress of Solitude. Hell, I don’t even have a basement that could double as a Bat-Cave. I am not a superhero, I’m a suburbanite.”

8

A bit off topic, but has there ever been a superhero novel/comic/etc. set in a psychiatrist’s office ala “The Sopranos”. That might be cool. Could even be a cool persona for Character A.

“Let’s deal with the source of your denial about your superhero status. Let’s go back to your childhood before the lab accident…”

9

“I’m not sure, but my butt’s sore as hell.”

10

Or:

Look at the way you’re standing, dude. Look at you – one fist in the air, the other on your hip. You’re totally posing!

Am not! I was just, er, stretching. Not posing. I had a crick in my back.

11

I’m thinking the character does live on an inaccessible mountaintop, not because he has a headquarters but because he couldn’t get any privacy about catchng the second plane on 9-11. At this point in his life he works for DeBeers, who pay him $1,000,000 a year not to compress lumps of coal into diamonds and leave them in random spots.

12

Ok, how about something about not having a sidekick or a ward then. All I know is I like the premise of the story so far, and would love to read it when finished.

13

Yes, there has. Can’t remember the name of it.

14

Dr. Blink, Superhero Shrink.
http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/drblink/

Note: The second plane on 9/11 was done by Ex Machina.

15

I vote for this. Imagine the variety of arch-nemises you could come up with (like Chad from the community college).

16

I don’t have an arch-nemisis.

What about that girl you dated in college? Jenny Kor…tenski? …townski? teenski!
Jenny Korteenski! What about her?

Psycho? Yes. Evil? Yes. Arch-nemeis? No.

17

I like that, but I might go with something like…

CHARACTER B: I don’t have an arch-nemesis.

CHARACTER A: Now that is just bullshit. What about what’s-his-name–Professor Thanatos? He spent 4 billion dollars constructing a super-weapon to kill you. He came THIS close to killing you.

CHARACTER B: Only the one time, though. After I escaped, I threw both him and the super-weapon into the sun.

A: What? Really?

B: Yeah, really. In additition to being not being a super-hero, I am also not an idiot.

18

I like this one. (the one above, not what I’m going to say next…)

The first thing I thought of was dialog from The Incredibles (shamelessly copied from IMDB)

So in my mind monologuing could be proof that someone had an arch-nemesis!

19

Watchmen, Rorschach to the psychiatrist Dr. Malcolm Long: “You keep calling me Walter. I don’t like you.”

20

B. Doesn’t count, Buffy’s not a real person.