I’m a 35yo woman with two brothers: one who is 31 and one who is 11. I’m not really sure how to foster and maintain a good relationship with the 11yo. Not that our current relationship is bad; it’s just kind of there. I talked to him on the phone a little while ago, and he sounded so grown up, which made me realize it’s way past time for me to reach out more and put some work into our relationship.
I don’t have kids, and I’m not a kid person at all, so I don’t really know how to relate to kids. I live in Louisiana and he lives in Florida. He’s gifted-smart like our brother and me. He likes pop music, video games, playing soccer, superheroes, and going to college football games and he’s worried about his upcoming advanced math class. He’s a busy kid, but I don’t get the impression he’s over-scheduled.
Our dad, who was an alcoholic, died from lung cancer 3 years ago. I know parts of his childhood were traumatic (common ground!), but he seems to be doing OK now. His mom has become a full-blown alcoholic since our dad died, but she’s a much chiller drunk than our dad ever was. Kid bro is definitely a mama’s boy, and I worry about how my stepmom’s alcoholism will affect him.
I’m home once a year for holidays. At this point, I can’t afford to go home more often than that. My stepmom keeps saying she and kid bro are going to visit, but I know it’ll never happen. Kid bro gave me his email address, and I’m going to email him and find out what his current interests are. But then what? How often should I try to email him? I was thinking once every week or two, but I didn’t grow up in a close-knit family, so I don’t know how skewed my expectations are. I want to know what’s going on in his life and who he is as a person, and I also want him to know he can talk to me about anything because I know he’ll be going through some difficult times as he gets older.
So, what do y’all think I should do?
Facetime or Skype on a schedule. Even if just for 5 minutes a pop.
Does he have a phone yet? Texting funny age-appropriate memes and videos is very fun with tweens.
Get a collection of unusual postcards - from obscure locations or with a theme or topic he enjoys - and send one postcard a week or a month.
Honestly it doesn’t so much matter what you do but that you are consistent about it, and it doesn’t demand too much of a response back from him. Just being a steady presence will teach him he can rely upon you and that is a foundation to build from until he will be coming to you for help and advice.
Oh and when you visit do something with him, just the two of you, that is lightly rule-breaking. Older siblings (or cool older aunts which is kind of what your age-difference is like) are perfect for that kind of risk-taking-within-boundaries and gives you a fun secret to share.
Two ways to bond with him:
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College football - if you are the least bit knowledgable about LSU, you can certainly set up some friendly banter about “your” team versus his teams. 11 year olds don’t know much about football yet so you don’t have to knock it out of the park but read up on si.com and espn.com and cbs.com about the opponents for his team and your team and send him some softball questions every once in a while. Maybe throw in a friendly wager of an ice cream sundae when next your paths cross.
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Have him fly out to Louisiana and host him for 4-5 days. If he flies, you are literally only out a plane ticket and $40 worth of food as compared to your expenses. When my little brothers came to visit me in Chicago and NYC (10&14 years younger), they enjoyed parks, boats, and seeing the outside of the famous stadiums more than any museum. 15 years later and they remember the cheapest things that we did during those weeks.
*That being said, I will put forward my best story about the experience and about baseball as I’ve never had a good other time to relate it. My brothers visited me in Chicago during summer of '98 and this was the year that Sosa and McGuire were going for the home run record (both were in the mid-50s and this was late August) and I noticed that the Cardinals were visiting the Cubs for an afternoon game. So subway up there just to take in the excitement- we get there ~1.5 hours ahead of time and I’m praying that they still have Standing Room Only seats which were ~$8.
The couple in front of us try to buy tickets “for any price” and the ticket seller says, “Only standing room” but the lady is in high heels so they decline and I am ecstaticly thinking, “Awesome! they have tickets left!” I step up and request 3 standing room tickets. The seller says, " How about I do you better? 9 bucks for you and 6 bucks for the little guys." We exchange money and we go look for our seats. We eventually find them. 6 rows back in the upper deck, straight behind home plate. Unbelievable! I was so poor at the time, that our neighbors in the row bought my brothers peanuts and licorice and cracker jacks (of course) as it was their first professional game and the 6 year old said that we didn’t have enough money to buy any food other than the PB&Js I’d snuck in.
Batting practice before the game was like a home run derby- they were measureing distances and trying to outcompete each other. The crowd was all there early and it was awesome- unfortunately no HRs during the game though. The older brother won tickets to the SuperBowl this year and said that his favorite professional game experience was still that first one- and the entire price discussion and ramifications were totally missed by him.
And I will always be a Cubs fan!
I agree about Skyping or telephoning on a regular basis. Just sending emails isn’t gonna cut it - emails are too easily forgotten about, and kids won’t open up that way.
Share stories with him about your dad and what your own childhood was like. Send care packages once in a while with little gifts that reflect his likes and interests. Let him know you’re always there if he needs to talk, but don’t get mad if it takes some time for him to open up.
There’s only a 10 year difference between me and my eldest brother, but I always felt distant from him. I commend you for making the effort to get closer.
Just curious – any progress on this front?
Sorry, I got your PM and meant to reply. Not much progress. My stepmom had him on vacation all over the place during the summer, and he’s just started back at school. The kid is busy! I’ll keep trying, though. I like Hedda Rosa’s postcard suggestion - Louisiana has some cool options.
Yes, do keep trying. One suggestion: Don’t feel you have to relate to him any particular way. Let the relationship take shape as it will.
And another suggestion. Now, this is a caution, not a criticism; please take it in the spirit in which it’s intended.
That’s a very common and hurtful phrase in this situation: “I meant to.” “Oh, I meant to spend some one-on-one time with you during the three weeks we were in the same house, but I just couldn’t work it in.” “Darn it, I meant to get you a Christmas present you’d really like, but I just didn’t get around to it, even though I’ve known since September that I would see you at Christmas, so here’s some generic crap for a kid five years younger than you.” “Aw, I meant to get something non-alcoholic for you to drink, but it slipped my mind. Tap water’s okay, right?”
I’m not accusing you of anything, but it is a very common pattern, easy to fall into. “I meant to.” As if the meaning-to is, in itself, a gesture of kindness and inclusion.