I’ve made a fair number (I mean, the normal number?) of speeches in my time and done fine, okay? I’ve even spoken on the State House steps with a sign language interpreter and all, 'cause I’m just that important. But this birthday thing… I dunno, it has me nervous. My dad is turning 80, and what’s weighing on me is that you go to funerals and everybody says all these nice things about people once they’re dead, but those people aren’t there to hear it! So I want to say all those things, but I don’t want to cry or make anybody else cry or get maudlin or anything. Plus, those of you who have kindly been following my family’s shitty story recently know that parenting has recently gotten damned heavy for my dad, and I want to let him know that he did a damned fine job with me, if nobody else.
So, we’re doing this huge birthday party - I think we may have 90. Freaking. Guests. Confirmed! Nobody said no! We had to move it to another venue! And hire a caterer! So that’s a tribute to my dad in and of itself. One of his friends was going to make a speech, and he asked me for some anecdotes he could tell. As I was thinking about it, I realized, hey, I want to make my own damned speech. And I got all excited about it, you know? But it’s coming down to the wire (the party’s Saturday) and I don’t know what to say.
I mean, when I was thinking about it I couldn’t sleep for ideas, but I didn’t write them down! So I wanted to ask for advice on tone and length. I want to say important stuff, but I don’t want to drag anybody down, you know? So… how is this best done?