Help me with this joke for my magic act

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

I’m working on some patter for a new magic trick, and I was hoping the TM could help me with a punchline.

The deal is that I’m working with an “invisible” deck of cards. As I shuffle and play with my nonexistant cards, I talk about how I’ve always loved magic, and especially card tricks, but that when I was little my mother wouldn’t let us have cards in the house. “Oh, it wasn’t a religous thing,” I say. . .

My line was “She just thought it would take away from my time in the sweatshop”, or “It’s just that I kept kicking her ass at cribbage.”

Anything better?
Dr. J

#2

. . . but that when I was little my mother wouldn’t let us have cards in the house. "Oh, it wasn’t a religious thing, it was just that Dad kept running the balances up at the local strip club . . . (badabing) . . . but no, really, I meant playing cards, of course . . . "
Hoping this isn’t a kid’s magic show . . .
Dr. Watson
“Magic? Didn’t he drown in a big tank of water?”

#3

“…she just thought checkers was where the real money was.”

“…she just felt if craps and roulette was good enough for the pilgrims, it was good enough for us.”

“…she was just suspicious about how the Jack fit in with the King and Queen relationship.”

“…she just felt if they don’t look like clubs, they shouldn’t be called clubs.”

“…she was just bitter about how the Heirophant and the Tower didn’t make the cut on the 52 card deck.”

“…she just had a bad childhood experience with cards, when her family was killed in a freak pincochle accident.”

#4

“Oh, it wasn’t a religous thing,” I say. . .

…but she frowned on them ever since dad lost the house trying to run a “1 card monte” operation.

#5

…she just thought she already had too many jokers around the house.

…she just thought the one-eyed jacks looked shifty.

Or

I don’t think we had any playing cards in the house. Every time we asked my mother for a deck, she hit us!

#6

Hmmm. Howzabout…

  1. Gambling and suchlike belonged with Bingo, Lotto and her trips to Branson.

  2. Your father gambled away controlling voting stock in Big Blue and Microsoft.

  3. The Junior League and Garden Guild barred her out after fleecing them out of Depends and Kathie Lee Gifford CD’s.

  4. She always knew Jokers ruled Kings and Queens, and she didn’t appreciate rude reminders, thank-you-very-much.

OK. Feeble.

Veb

#7

You don’t really need a punch line. After you say, ‘‘Oh, it wasn’t a religious thing,’’ pause for a moment. Look your audience in the eye. Giggle nervously and look away. Then, with your eyes tightly shut, clench your teeth and mutter: ‘‘I’ll be good, Mommy. Shut up!’’ Then continue your magic trick as if nothing unusual has happened.

What game are YOU playing?

#8

you might want to drop the licking your moms ass line…

#9

I kinda like the “our house was a casino angle”

Oh, it wasn’t a religious thing, she just didn’t want to steal traffic from the craps table.

Re: One card monty. Har!

stoli

Well, blessed is just about everyone with a vested interest in the status quo,
as far as I can tell.

#10

You could do a bit of a flip here and say…

“Oh, it wasn’t a religious thing, the Baptists/Catholics/Church just frowns upon them.”

or “The pastor said they were of the devil.”

or “She said she heard there was a bible verse that said you were going to hell if you played cards.”

or back to the orginial thought

“She heard that kids made bombs out of them.”

or “She felt that the fact that cards start with the number two would mess up your learning to count”

or “She never understood the rules of poker.”

or “she could never figure out how to shuffle them properly.”

or “she was not sure why, but her mom never let them have cards in the house.”

or “because everyone in the movies always gets shot while playing cards.”

Sorry, I think that is all for now.

Jeffery

#11

“It wasn’t a religious thing…”

…but the only game she had ever heard of was strip poker… and trust me when I say our 102 year old grandmother running around naked isn’t a pretty sight.

:wink:

HUGS!
Sqrl

SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure

#12

Hows this for a joke.

When your noodling around with your “invisiable” deck of cards, pretend notice somthing in the deck, then say “Whoops, forgot to take out the jokers” and pull them out and toss them aside.

Inky

#13

Thanks, everybody!

One-card monte–I’m going to have to come up with a trick based on that idea.

Oh, and Jayburner–that was kicking my Mom’s ass. Although with some work, your version might be funnier. :slight_smile:

Dr. J

#14

Thanks, everybody!

One-card monte–I’m going to have to come up with a trick based on that idea.

Oh, and Jayburner–that was kicking my Mom’s ass. Although with some work, your version might be funnier. :slight_smile:

Dr. J

“Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!” -Dr. Nick Riviera

#15

Double posts suck!

#16

“Oh, it wasn’t a religous thing, it’s just that if my mom was interested in dealing with queens, she never would have divorced my father…”

Gypsy: Tom, I don’t get you.
Tom Servo: Nobody does. I’m the wind, baby.