This potential Onion headline keeps running through my mind. So I thought I’d share it with y’all and invite you to pile on and make up some others.
For The Onion, next edition:
ARMY, NATIONAL GUARD, AND PRESIDENT BUSH TO NEW ORLEANS: “SUCKS TO BE YOU.”
MISSING WHITE FEMALES PROTEST LACK OF MEDIA COVERAGE.
New Orleans Residents Band Together To Help Their Neighbors
SAINTS NO LONGER BIGGEST DISASTER TO HIT SUPERDOME
MARDI GRAS TO BE MOVED TO HOLLYWOOD
Fake Beads/Real Boobs Replaced by Real Beads/Fake Boobs
New Orleans Clearance Sale
Nikes $25 a pair or a jug of pure water and a ham sammich.
Blacks Trapped in New Orleans Relieved to Find Dead White Guy: “Thought this was a Genocide for a while” says one.
American Pie singer drives his Chevy to the Levee and finds that it is Dry.
Microsoft heads to New Orleans to Confiscate Looted Windows CD’s.
Greenspan Warns New Orleans Hurricane Damage May Cause Shortage of Willing Participants for “Girls Gone Wild”
Louisiana Student’s “Water Runs Downhill” Science Fair Project Goes Horribly Wrong
Looting Actually Makes A Lot of Sense If You Think About It
Why Don’t Those People Down In New Orleans Go Fishing If They’re So Hungry?
My Basement Flooded Once And It Was No Big Deal
The President Will Fix New Orleans Just Like He Fixed Iraq
Anderson Cooper Down To His Last Blue Dress Shirt
Shadenfreude Epidemic Overtakes Southern Florida
Hollywood Slow To Respond
Cries of “Where’s Oprah?”
Lesbian Community Denies Culpability With Dyke Failure.
“You will never find a harder working group, especially during softball season, than our group.” Says Ellen DeGeneres.
Cheverolet Pulls Ad Featuring Chevy on the Levy
“Would not be appropriate at this time.” Say an industry insider asking to remain anonymous.
It’s Bush’s Fault!!!
“They can’t pin this one one me.” Says Osama Bin Laden from his secret mountain hideway.
Point/counterpoint: Cannibalism
Ask a Looter
Ask a Man Whose Family Is Dead and Home Destroyed
(by Katie Couric)
JESUS DENIES CULPABILITY IN HURRICANE DISASTER
“Act of God my ass,” says Savior of Mankind
Ooh! Ooh!
AREA HOMOSEXUAL CONFESSES TO CAUSING KILLER HURRICANE!
“Damn my immoral ways!”, said local resident M. Herschel, who is gay.
Well, the Onion’s already running currently:
Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier’
I imagine another in that vein will be forthcoming.
It’s Not The Heat, It’s The Humidity And All The Looting
Headline:
New Orleans PWNED!
I beg to differ. Ahem:
Bin Laden Revealed to Have Army of Butterflies Flapping in Afghanistan
Muslim extremists, chaos theory blamed for Katrina
ATTRACTIVE WHITE CO-ED MISSING IN NEW ORLEANS
Five thousand other area residents also unaccounted for
Katrina, New Orleans isn’t the same since you left!
“…I will loot you the finest jewels and bottled water that there is to be found this side of the Mississippi, or the other side if that is what you prefer…”
80’s Band “Katrina and the Waves” storms New Orleans
Long-Time Area Homeless Man Finds Free Booze, Food, Happiness In The Big Easy