Henchpersons Wanted. Inquire Within.

Do you want to shoot the moon? Live in a volcano? Ever long to fight a sexy Henchlady while suspended from a Zeppelin several hundred feet in the air in an overly-complicated plot twist? If so, this may be the opportunity you’ve been looking for! Henchpersons needed to assist established, well-respected international villain in nefarious schemes. Self-starters wanted. World Domination Plotting and Execution experience helpful but not necessary. Willing to train the right candidate. Please post salary requirements and relevant experience herein.

Do I get one of those black turtle neck sweaters that say “Goon 1” or some such manner of identification?

I can be the sexy henchlady … but I’m afraid of heights. I am, however, well-acquainted with all MS Office programs and am quite good at watching the good guy until he’s dead, rather than getting distracted and leaving him to escape.

What if you want to be the sexy henchlady beating up on some poor schlub while suspended from a zeppelin several hundred feet in the air in an overly-complicated plot-twist? That’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m looking for materials to build a moon base. I’ve got the styrofoam, the rocket pad, the control room, and the long hallways that seemingly house nothing.

I’ve also successfully planned a rebellion in my home country of Thisisnowanevilroguecountrystan. Currently, I do what I will with the GNP and use such funds to build my moon base and get my grass roots evil plots out and about.

I am fluent in the ways of…torture?

Additionally, I give back to the community whenever I can. I am a proud member of EPTOC (the Evil People For Torture of Children).

References have all been killed/maimed. Not furnished upon request.

I’m afraid I’m only qualified to be one of the goons who stand around and watch, without contributing. If the salary is right, I’ll be there tomorrow.

Don’t I need some weird weapon (steel-brimmed derby, buzzsaw-yo-yo, Boomerang) or some strange physical feature (steel teeth, chainsaw in place of a hand, allopecia) in order to qualify? I’mm not willing to undergo extensive bodily modification, and I knock myself out with nunchucks.
Also: What are the health plan and retirement benefits like? I understand Ernst Stabvro Blofeld has you stand on the rim of his Piranha, then he pushes you in. I’m looking for something a little more enlightened.

Name: Inigo Montoya
Age: 38
Specialty: Fencing, rhyming

Experience :
Participated in the successful kidnapping of a princess as part of a plot to provoke a war. Fought with skill, valor and spirit a pursuer to assist my master’s escape with said princess. Only in defeat and unconsciousness did I quit my post.

Successfully located a new master and teamed up with known and trusted allies to storm castle guarded by 30 men in effort to stop an improper wedding ceremony. Also effectively identified and prosecuted a target of opportunity in this mission to avenge my father’s death–lifelong quest.

Used professional network to secure position (current) as Dread Pirate Roberts.

Having served as Dread Pirate Roberts for over 20 years now, I have amassed sufficient wealth to eliminate the need for any salary, although I am fond of brandy and would consider providing additional loyalty in exchange for a reasonable and constant supply of same. This and previous positions have also cemented my position as a leader with initiative among circles of villains and royalty alike. Although quite capable, I have no desire to head a plot for world domination as I feel my true calling is as a supporting role in such a plot.

Don’t listen to Inigo. He’s really a good guy in disguise. ‘Dread’ Pirate Roberts. Ha! I hear it’s not really even just ONE guy, but they’re FRANCHISING the office now.

Come to where the real pirate is.


And as for salary? Eh, just gimmie Australia when we rule everything. Gravy beyond that, I tells ya.

NurseCarmen, you will be required to provide your own threads. This isn’t McDonald’s, sweetheart.

Draelin: Indeed, fear of heights aside, if you are applying for the position of sexy Henchlady, I will require a head shot, 8X10, glossy, withOUT border.

Jayn_Newell, please see above requirements for photo submission.

I should take a moment here to stress that if you are going to submit photos, they must conform to the above specifications. I’m a busy, busy villain, and I’ve got a ton of applications, CVs, photos, etc. to review. It helps me (and you) tremendously if I’m able to review these quickly, and off-size photos are ungainly, tough to file, and frankly, overkill. Thanks.

Least Original User Name Ever, I’ll have to review my records to make sure your organization isn’t listed in my Big Book of Nemeses. I’ll get back to you.

welby, there’s certainly a place for you in our fine organization, and the good news is the salary is exorbitant. The downside is that typically, the stand-around-and-watch-type Goon is killed off in the first scene. If you don’t have a problem not being around long enough to actually spend your salary, then Welcome Aboard! (Did I mention the salary is exorbitant? BWA-HA-ha- Ahem.

CalMeacham, we offer excellent benefits, a wellness program, on-site Day Care, running paths on the grounds, and full pension, though I should warn you that without any specific means of executing villainism (you cite a lack of weaponry and no discernable Ninja-skills), this might not be the career path for you.

Inigo Montoya, welcome aboard. I’ve recently watched a documentary on your exploits, and I must say I was impressed, though I should warn you, I’ll expect you to broaden your sociopathic preoccupation with the six-fingered man to include all humanity. Let me know if that poses a problem for you.


I work alone.

I’m available on a consulting/contract basis only.

50% up front. The balance on completion, within 24hrs. Cash only.

If I show up on your doorstep, you’ve probably done something to bring me there.

Will a 10x8 do?

I’m willing to drop the glasses for contacts if appropriate medical covereage is provided.

I don’t have any henchperson experience, but I can laugh evilly. And although physical torture might make me a bit queasy, I’m good at taunting.

I can also wear an eye patch or something if that would help heighten the effect.

ArrMatey!: Australia? when we rule everything? Heh-heh-heh. sure, mate. Sure.

QuickSilver, very impressive. It will be a pleasure killing you… er, I mean working with you.

Winston Smith, let me know if you all need a cook/chef/person who can put poison in your enemies food kinda gal. I’m between jobs at the moment.

All around IT guy (phones, faxes, printers, PCs, servers, network) available for a full time benefits position. Wide range of professional contacts for Database and coding work.

Useful for interior defense in the event of enemy penetration, I am a good shot with handguns, rifles (semiauto, bolt & lever action), shotguns (semi & pump), bow & arrow (to 50 yds). Would be willing to train on larger equipment and full automatic.

Great outdoor skills (Eagle Scout).

Skilled in vegetable gardening, including hot peppers and tomatoes, and <alternative herbal remedies :D>. Skilled in “from scratch” cooking with a wide range of ingredients. Skilled in baking bread from scratch. Able to brew beer.

As a biological researcher, I have tampered in Gods’ domain for 5 years now. I sneer at ethics and activists. My hands have been soiled with the blood of innocent creatures for the advancement of science.

If you provide me with more *appropriate * subjects for my research in DNA retroviral reanimation serum - and pleny of grant money - I will help you in your quest for world domination. As a bonus, I can also encourage the sexy henchwoman to seduce men for information since I’m frigid and unapproachable.

I got big hands.

Jayn_Newell, I said 8X10. It’s just that kind of inattention to detail that might get you into real trouble as a Henchlady. I’ll let it slide, though, since you’ve got the smoldering look that absolutely screams Henchlady.

Missy2U, can you prepare Sushi? I prefer the unpoisoned variety.

butler1850, after careful review, we are sorry to inform you we cannot offer you a position in our technology services organization at this time. If you wish to be considered for one of our many Henchpersons positions, please resubmit your CV with your evil-doing experience highlighted.