I am in awe of your work of art.
Or, damn, that was a beautiful rant.
That woman sounds like Satan incarnate. Almost.
The first questions that came to MY mind were:
[ul][li]Does she drive a convertible?[/li][li]Do you have any of that raccoon shit left?[/li][li]Hi Opal? (actually you and Opal may want to get together and commiserate about your asshole neighbors, and network about mean things to do.[/ul][/li]
Oh, and I second the idea of the fertilizer.
Billy, you pegged the Rant-o-Meter!
As suggested earlier, you should have enough ammo to beat the citation. Good luck on that.
It sounds like you have really done a great job improving 'Coon Town. Too bad the your used rag neighbor is too lame to appreciate you.
I’m sure that with the help of the fertile minds here on the boards, you will find lots of creative ideas for your campaign of passive aggression.
Here are a couple of contributions:
Have a friend make some appointments, to have cemetary plot, and casket salesmen show up at your neighbor’s door. Schedule them a couple of hours apart. The more the merrier.
Or, you can make sure she is signing up for all of the “free” opportunities that show up in the mail box, in magazines, and in the Sunday papers. Subscriptions to Book of the month, CD club, magazines, etc., etc.
If you want to get her back, sprinkle thistle seeds all across her lawn. Once they start growing, they put down a very deep tap root. Imagine having to pay to have hundreds of these posioned or dug up. Of course, only do it if Thistle is native to youe area and then it is just her bad luck.
Of course, if you want criminally destructive, I have a few more ideas I would not really suggest.
Reading and responding to rants is a personal favorite of mine. All I can say is WOW!!! You might want to try placing a few pieces of baloney (yes baloney) on the hood or roof of her car. Make sure the car is in sunlight or warm (hood). Something in the baloney will break down the finish and/or the paint. The best part being, raccoons can eat the baloney. Good luck on the house. 
That was a thing of beauty.
Especially liked the “bacon strip in life’s underwear”, the pointed toes and no discernable splash.
You, sir, get to
go crazy with the Cheese Whiz."
Sir, that was a fuckin’ masterpiece. You rock!
BR: And, oh, by the way, maybe you should stop by sometime. Walk across the street on those spindly legs of yours and say hi. Maybe tell me there’s a town ordinance against grass parking. Maybe even introduce yourself. Hell, maybe if you had done that you’d find I am capable of being a warm, friendly person.
That’s definitely what she should have done; calling the cops on you was totally out of line. So now, why don’t you do it instead? Walk across the street, like the warm, friendly person you are, and say hi. Tell her nicely that it gave you quite a start when the cops came by just because you were parked on the grass, and explain why you needed to keep your truck off the driveway at that time. Suggest to her pleasantly that if she’s bothered by your truck being on the lawn, she should come over and let you know about it, and you’re sure that you’ll be able to work out some solution.
If she’s actually any kind of a decent person, she’ll feel contrite and embarrassed and sorry about having inconvenienced you like that, and who knows, she might even develop into a tolerable neighbor. If, on the other hand, she’s a complete ice vixen, then at least she won’t be able to justify her lousy behavior on the grounds of your own. Plus, you’ll probably save yourself an awful lot of time, adrenaline, and fuming power.
Did it. Or tried. Three or four times now, I was out mowing and saw them out, and they actually ran into their house. Hey, I know I’m ugly, but people rarely run away. And I’ve introduced myself to nearly all the rest of the neighbors with the result that they all are pleased I’m cleaning the old place up.
No, it’s clearly a case of Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym].
Doesn’t matter. I have the patience of a glacier, and I’ll strike when least expected.
b.
My parents bought a crappy, wooded lot in the middle of a block that the entire neighborhood had been using as a junkyard. They even dumped paint back there. My parents cleaned it up, stuck a beautiful house in the middle of it, and landscaped it until it was absolutly unrecognisable. The whole neighborhood loved it, except for a few children (who had lost their dangerous playground), and a creepy old man and his wife who were upset about something or other and decided to get us thrown out.
They complained to the cops that our wild grass/wild flower garden was breeding mice (or was it mosquitos, their stories kept changing), to the zoning board that if he had a heart attack in his back yard he would die becuase Dad would not allow the ambulance to come through our yard (bullshit), and on and on and on.
One day my dad was in the back of our yard putting up a tiny little retaining wall to direct rain water. Stinky-old-man came up and decided to bitch at him about the placement–it better not direct water into his yard! (That would be hard, he was uphill…) Dad thinks to himself “Drop dead.” And ya know what? The guy was pushing up dasies that night!
Moral of the story? Don’t piss of my dad.
Kidding.
Real moral? That old woman is gonna complain herself to death. You’re not gonna have to worry about her for too much longer. 
Damn Billy, even the Hungarian judge gave you a 10.0 on that one!
A fantastic rant all around.
BTW, I have a couple of parts cars that could be towed to her curb if you’re interested. Nothing classes up the neighborhood like a rusted-out '60 Studebaker Lark.
Zap!
Hey, I thought we were fighting ignorance here. Sounds like we’re condoning it. The reference in the OP of sexual inuendo is particularly gross. Obviously the OP does not know how to express him/herself in a rational manner but must give in to 3rd grade playground talk.
Get a life.
P.S. Unless you plan on leaving soon or she does, both of you are going to having to live as neighbors. As suggested already on this thread you could make the first move to bury the hatchet.
Sheesh. :wally
Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym]
Do you have a man who just can’t get enough? Is once a month “Just not good enough” for him? Does your man fail to understand that PMS isn’t just a period problem, but a way of life. Try a case of Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym] and that will set him just right. Let’s talk to our celebrity endorsers:
Leona Helmsley
Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym] did wonders for my life. Before Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym], I occasionally had compassion and hadn’t even considered tax evasion, but now I haven’t had sex in 10 years and I’m loving it.
Hillary Clinton
I found out about my husband and Jennifer Flowers, so I tried a case of Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym] just to give him a little punishment, and now I’ve inherited the title of queen bitch from Lenoa!
There you have it Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym] is perfect for women of all ages, especially old nasty ones!
[sub]Arctic Snatch[sym]ä[/sym] is not approved by the FDA for use on humans. May cause loss of sexual appetite, meaness, lack of affection from spouse and people to say, “That bitch needs to get laid” when they talk to you. Not to be used on children.[/sub]
Uh, HELLO? Anyone IN THERE? this is the PIT! if this offends you, uh. LEAVE!
Uh, HELLO? Anyone IN THERE?
I have, as I stated and you DID NOT READ, tried to go introduce myself. I have no “hatchet” to bury. I was wronged. I made my feelings known in the pit, which is the correct place to do so. Having done so, I’m now completely over it. And maybe a few people had a laugh as the result, which is, listen carefully, THE POINT! So, I might suggest you READ posts before you sound off, understand the function of The Pit, and while you’re at it,
b.
P.S. Rush, that’s priceless!
BR…my mistake. I missed your post about trying to talk to the woman.
Sorry.
Still goes about the playground talk. This may be the pit, but if you can’t lift yourself up from that level you’ll never make it in Toastmasters.
It’s cool. Welcome to the boards.
As for the 3rd grade: Where I went to school, and where my daughter goes now, that kind of language in the third grade was unacceptable.
It is, however, acceptable in the world of humor. As a matter of fact, it’s commonly considered necesary to some (not all) humor. Whatever the case, this is the pit, this is where that kind of rant belongs, and I stand by it.
If I choose, I can be just as vehement and just as clear in my language, totally sans profanity. I did NOT, as you might assume, use that language because that is “the level” I normally use, I specifically chose to use that language, carefully choosing each word for effect. What I wrote is a creative description of the facts in question. As such, it is technically an artistic expression(not that I consider myself an artist). So criticising it based on language, especially in the pit… Well, hopefully by now you get the point.
Maybe you should read a couple of other pit rants. Maybe even consider the fact that my OP, by comparison to many others, is downright prudish.
Oh, and the toastmaters? yeah. I want to be one of THOSE guys. NOT!
b.
‘Cunt’ is out but “sploogelapper” and requests to, “lap the sticky jizz and cunt juice out of the wrinkly skin on my balls and out of the S.O’s bush” are ok?
Now that’s funny…
BTW: Why is no one pissed at the cops? What kind of pricks were they to go ahead and write-up a citation? It doesn’t matter if Arctic Bitch called them or not. It is their call to do what they think appropriate. One would think they’d give the new people in town a break or just a verbal warning. Especially after you pointed out why the truck was there in the first place. You ask me they were dicks too for going ahead with the citation.
Whack, I have no problem with the concept, just the word- maybe a couple of years of therepy will straighten me out… Nah, nothing’s gonna help ME-LOL! plus, the only time I’ve seen the C word used in a thread title it was changed by a moderator. I just wanted to bitch, not necesarily piss anyone off.
The cops were nice, polite, did their job. They apologised, and let me know that if I complied within 24 hrs I wouldn’t be liable for a fine, so it didn’t cost anything. As it was, I already had the damned thing parked in my garage when they arrived. I just grass-parked overnight so the sealcoat could dry. Cops also told me that this woman is a problem to everyone in the neighborhood, not just me.
b.