Hey! I'm workin' here!

The BBQ Pit
1

What? Did you think I was just taking in the sights? Me and my 80,000 pound truck? Or maybe you think I just didn’t have anything better to do today than to get in your way?

You there, in the Mercedes! Did you see the sign back there? The one that said ‘Trucks Use Left Lane Next 15 Miles’? If you weren’t intellectually outclassed by dead sheep you’d be able to figure out that you can flash your lights at me for the next 14 miles and I still won’t move over. I’m in this lane because the law requires me to be here. The lanes on the Interstate have been reversed for this 15 mile strech. Pass on the right. Ohhh, so, now you’re going to tail gate me. Hmmm. If brains were gasoline, you wouldn’t have enough to drive an ant’s go-cart around the inside of a bottle cap. Your car weighs, what – maybe 1800 pounds? This truck weighs in at 80,000 pounds. More than forty times heavier. Do you really think you can intimidate me into moving over? You’re so ignorant that the elephants at your local zoo throw you peanuts. Well, now that’s intelligent! Gonna teach me a lesson by pulling back in just one car length in front of me, huh? Look, the space in front of my truck is there for me to stop in. It is not there for you to drive in. Do you realize that I can’t even see your brake lights? If you had to stop fast you’d just be a little speed bump in my life. (Thump - Thump)

And You. Yeah, you in the little red sports buggy, you monstrously ill-mannered, reprehensible, enema-addicted plague upon humanity. Don’t be honking your horn at me. Yeah, I know you can probably see okay, but it’s raining, and my mirrors are covered with water. Do you think that if your brain cells weren’t on the Endangered Species list it might occur to you that maybe I can’t see you in my mirrors? Try turning on your headlights. Ohhh, theeeerrrrrre yyyyoooouuuu aaarrrreee. Guess maybe I won’t complete this lane change for a minute. Wellllll, come on … oh for cryin’ out loud … I’m coming up on slower moving traffic and I need to move over. Will you please move? Either move up, or drop back - I really don’t care which - just get out of the way! I initially thought that you were a gibbering idiot. Now, I have a much lower opinion of you. Wouldn’t clues have more room to fit in your head if you got rid of some of the gobbledygook in there?

Hey, you in the monster SUV. You are a miserably demented grotesque urine-reeking display that makes slugs and other invertebrates look like Nobel Prize winners. Yeah, I know I’m only doing 35mph in a 75mph zone. I know ya’ll got four wheel drive. I know you can get better traction than I can. But have you noticed the white stuff? Has it occured to you that you can’t stop any better than anyone else on these icy roads? There’s 2" of slushy snow on top of ice here and I’d just really rather not witness your wreck. Oooops. Too late.

(This is kinda fun …)

Ohhh, look at you. What, are you prescient? Or is that little pickup truck equiped with ground penetrating radar? No? Then you lack even the dim flicker of sentience needed to qualify as a imbecile. I’m sitting six feet higher than you are, and I can’t see far enough over this hill to see if it’s safe to pass. Maybe you forgot this is a narrow, two lane road and not an Interstate highway. There might be on-coming traffic in that lane at any moment. That’s what those two solid yellow lines and the sign that says ‘NO PASSING ZONE’ are trying to tell you. Ooops. There is a car coming. No, I’m afraid it won’t do any good for me to try to slow down to let you in - that other car will be here before I can slow this truck down by even 5 mph. I guess you’re going to have to hit your breaks and fall back in behind me. Sorry I’m only doing the speed limit. Gotta tell ya, you’re an inspiration to botched lobotomy patients everywhere.

Ohhh, now that’s a cute little manuver. You see an 80,000 truck coming at you at 50 mph and you decide it will be okay to pull out in front of it. Seventy feet in front of it. Did you sleep through your high school physics class? I will use up 70 feet of roadway just getting this thing down to 40 mph. I hope that Honda is really a top fuel dragster in disguise, cause if it isn’t, one of us is going to get hurt (let’s see, 1500 pound Honda Civic vs. 80,000 pound Kenworth … nope, don’t think it’s going to be me). Naw, guess I’ll have to lock it up. 102 feet of skid marks from eighteen tires curving into the right hand emergency lane. Missed ya by, well, I couldn’t see how close I came to hitting your car. I was kinda busy at the time. But it couldn’t have been by much. And you just drive off, secure in the knowledge that you are so dense that light bends around you, and blissfully unaware that you just made me square off eighteen tires. That’s eighteen tires that will have to be replaced. At $300.00 each (does not include mounting). That’s more than $5400.00 damage to this rig and I didn’t even get your insurance information.

And what is this little beauty up to? Trippin’ along at 4 mph under the speed limit. Okay, that’s cool. Pull out into the hammer lane to pass. Hmmmmm. You seem to have realized that you were going a little slow and have sped up now. Okay, that’s cool, too. Pull back into the travel lane behind you. Hmmmm. You seem to be slowing back down to four under again. Pull out into the hammer lane to pass. Hmmmmm. You seem to have realized that you were going a little slow and have sped up now. Pull back into the travel lane behind you. Hmmmm. Four under again. Oh, joy. Another rousing game of ‘Don’t Let The Semi Pass’. That’s alright though. I used to play by your rules, but not any more. Reset my cruise control at 74. Stay in the travel lane. Look at the passing scenery. Ignore the fact that you even exist. Maybe you will wake up the dozy, peg-legged hamster operating that wheel-powered brain of yours and move over. Or speed up and maintain your speed. Or let me pass. Or I will just close the gap and push you up to speed. It don’t matter to me. Our relationship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant. Guess which one you are …

And here comes the RV from Hell! That thing is nearly as big as my truck! I have to pass a physical exam every two years. I have to take extensive written and skill tests to obtain and maintain my Commercial Driver License. And here you are, a Little Old Retired Insurance Salesman – you are not required to pass any special test to drive that thing, haven’t had a proper physical in years (and you’re probably just one order of french fries short of a stroke), you have no clue what the clearances are on your vehicle, hell, you can’t even see over the steering wheel. You refuse to drive more than 10 mph under the speed limit. And you have the gall to get upset because I need to pass you on this hill? You are a precociously revolting simple-minded inflictor of misery on all who cross your path.

Let’s see, did I leave anyone out?

Oh, yeah. “The Truck Drivers”.

Swift. The most inappropriately named trucking company in the universe. (And don’t blame the drivers. 10 under the speed limit is company policy.) 'Nuff said.

You in the super car. If he were to look at you, Darwin would NOT be pleased to see how inefficiently evolution sometimes works. I know you’re rig can do 100+ mph. That does not mean that it is a good plan to do so. You need not demonstrate for me. I will not be impressed. It will merely confirm my suspicion that when your parents pulled you out of the shallow end of the gene pool, the lifeguard threw you back in. You think you’re soooo coool. You’re not. You’re dangerous. You’re so dumb that even blondes tell jokes about you. You deserve to loose your license. Go get a job where you can do something that will impress people. Like trying to become a magician. Then just disappear.

And you, Rookie. The truck in front of you is going just 1 mph slower than you are on this grade. So you look in your mirror, see that there are 14 vehicles doing 75 mph coming up on you. What do you do? You pull out to pass the slower truck. I wouldn’t mind if you had the horsepower or the RPMs to get the job done but you don’t. Even when you see all that traffic piling up behind you, you can’t do the courteous thing and drop back and pull back into the right lane. You’re just going to ensure that everybody is going to climb this hill at the same rate that you do, aren’t ya? Look, you’re less than 2 miles from the summit. Following the slower truck will get you there 1 minute and 15 seconds later. It’s not going to kill you. You’ll probably waste more time than that at the next truck stop. Sit there. Be patient. Learn to do some math.

And you, pulling the empty flatbed. We’re four miles from the base of the hill. You can see the hill coming up. Don’t be screaming at me on the CB for cutting you off. Pay attention: there are four loaded trucks jockeying for the best position to climb the hill so that we won’t have to keep passing each other and restricting traffic once we start up the hill. Slow down a bit and let me get passed the 2 heavier trucks in front of me. You can regain you speed in a flat minute.

Thank you. That was very therapeutic. There are more, but this is getting way too long.

Okay. The floor is open for discussion and questions.

Go ahead.

Ask the Professional Driver.

If you have the guts.

I double-dog-dare you.

Lucy

2

OK, that was pretty good. Now, let’s hear about all the times you fucked up or got in someone’s way while driving. :smiley:

3

Back in the ‘Rookie Days’, and even my ‘Truck Driver’ phase, plenty. That’s how you learn. Yet, I’m proud of the fact not once in the last 5 years has anyone ‘flipped me off’ for being rude or discourteous.

I’m a Professional Driver. It’s my job to get in your way! :stuck_out_tongue:

Lucy

4

You had me on “What” but earned my respect with “Gotta tell ya, you’re an inspiration to botched lobotomy patients everywhere.”

5

::aahhh, shucks::

6

There needs to be a special catagory for logging trucks. The ones who drive 60MPH in the middle of rural roads, and even if they see you coming in the other direction refuse to move over into their lane until the verylastsecondpossible, thereby forcing you onto the gravel-and-grass shoulder and giving you a heart attack.

7

Lucy thanks for saying it better than I ever could. It’s not my job but my husband’s. It scares the hell out of me when I’m riding with him, even though I know he’s an expert, when I see some of the shit that happens.
Yet when those four wheeler’s break down or have an accident it’s usually the trucker that stops to help. My husband has helped put out cars on fire, called ambulances and stayed with the dead body of a nineteen year old until the police arrived.
Keep up the good work.

8

These guys (and gals, it should be noted) are, quite literally in a class all by themselves. Have you ever actually driven on one of those logging roads? To do in an old, (possibly) not very well maintained 40 ton truck makes what Evil Knevil did look tame. They garner nothing but respect from me.

That is, 'till they get those damn trucks out into traffic. Then all bets are off.

Something seems to happen to them when they finish with the ‘high-wire’ part if their act. They seem to forget that they are no longer alone on the road. Give em’ a little break and slow down a little when you see 'em coming. I personally think their brains are still vibrating in the joy of making it down the mountain alive one more time and they’ve temporarily forgoten that there are other vehicles in the area and it’s time to share again.

Lucy

9

Ok, can you explain to me why big rigs insist on passing each other on a highway that has 2 lanes (or 4 lanes, 2 in each direction) when it takes about 5 minutes for them to do so? Is passing a big rig that is going 105 km/h to go 107 km/h really necessary? You get in my fucking way when you do this, take fucking forever to complete your goddamn pass, why the hell is this necessary?

10

Another thing many don’t know is that Swift governs the engines at 57 m.p.h. (Or at least they did when I was driving. They may have bumped it to 62. I think Schneider does it as well.)

Much better rant than I could have ever written. Thanks!
Queuing, your attitude is what causes most of the accidents. Keep it up, when the laws are changed I’ll renew my CDL.

11

it seems th OP is annoyed by truckers who do that too.

12

Tinkertoy, Thanx for the kind words.

My wife has ridden with me twice. The first time she spent 30 minutes in terror before hiding in the sleeper. The second time, she just went directly to the sleeper. Actually, my wife now refuses to even consider the possibility that someday she might ever entertain the idea that someone might suggest that she should ride with me in the big truck again. If someone were to be silly enough to suggest such a thing, I sincerely believe that she would physically attack them.

I once took an airline pilot out for a drive to see if he had what it takes to do this for a living. (He was having health issues - his days as a pilot were numbered.) We went 26 miles from North Salt Lake City, UT to Sandy, UT on I-15 at 2:30 PM (not even rush hour yet!) He asked me to exit the freeway. He called Yellow Cab and went home. Said he thought flying a plane for a living was tough. Air traffic controlers tend to keep other flying things at least one mile away. Four-wheelers seem to think that 30 feet is more than enoungh room. Sheesh … what a wimp. :smiley:

Curious: does your husband dirve Long Haul, regional or local?

13

My attitude? You mean the one where big trucks pull out for no apparent reason, into a lane that is meant for faster cars (there are even signs all over the highway that say slower traffice keep right), and take forever to pass? How is this going to cause an accident that is MY fault? I don’t tailgate, I don’t weave, all I do is sigh, swear and wonder what the fuck the reason is for the actions of the big rigs?

Hey I would love the laws to change, and maybe force the goddamn big rig drivers, who all say stuff like the OP, I am in charge of a giant machine maybe you should watch for me? The responsibilities aren’t solely the car drivers, you are in charge of a giant machine, don’t do dumb ass things solely to gain a minute or two that pisses off people who can drive much faster then you, and therefore make the roads more dangerous for all who must share them.

That being said I know truck drivers have a rough job, there a lot of idiots out there. Don’t try to say none of them are you, or that its all rookies. Truck drivers do many stupid fucking things, one which I have outlined, another I see all teh damn time is inability to stay completely in ones lane. Not just at corners either.

Don’t do me any favours, don’t renew your licence, don’t want to see you on the road anyway.

14

Ahh, oops, I somehow skipped that paragraph. Still it sounds to me like that is only on a grad, I am talking about a flat highway where I see this happen all the damn time. Sorry though, seeing this as often as I do annoys me a lot.

15

Wow, I think I’m in love! Up until the part where you mentioned that you had a wife, that is :smiley:

Yeah, I loved a truck driver once too, and learned a lot of lessons about how to behave around trucks. Too bad more people don’t get to sit up there and see what’s going on, but then, it wouldn’t do much for the truly moronic.

16

Originally, I was going to just post an “Ask The” thread in one of the other forums. Then I realized that it would probably turn into a pit thread anyway, so I thought, “why not kill two birds …” as it were. I think your post proves my point.

One of the things that makes life tough, is it is frequently not fair. In a perfect world, there would be three lanes, and this wouldn’t be a problem. This is not a perfect world.

So, since there are only two lanes to deal with, the simple answer to your question is, “Yes, it is necessary.” Remember - We’re working here.

To elaborate further, most of us get paid by the mile. Each mile we turn in any given hour helps feed the family. More miles/hour = More dollars/hour. Simple equation. You’ll note, I hope, that most of us watch our mirrors, and we try to time our pass in such a way as to not hold up other traffic. It’s not always possible, but we try. However, if a vehicle is overtaking me at a rate that is well in excess of the posted speed limit (10 or more over) it is sometimes not easy to get the hell out of your way.

[Note: As with any profession, we have trainees, rookies (drivers who haven’t quite figured it all out yet), Commercial Drivers, and Professional Drivers. Oh, yeah, and yes, we also suffer those few who just plain don’t give a shit. I’m going to try to speak for the first group, and ignore those that are just plain bad dirvers.]

Most of the company or line trucks are governed anywhere between 64mph and 68 mph. Governed means the truck is not capable of traveling faster than the governed speed. My truck is governed at 79 mph. The cruise control will only give me 74 mph. That is how I had the truck spec’ed out. If I initiate a pass to get around a truck that is governed at 68 mph, I must plan on having a space that will allow me 1 minute and 7 seconds to complete the pass. If there is no faster traffic for 2 miles behind me, it’s not an issue. If a vehicle comes up on me a little faster than expected, I have 5 mph on the pedal available to help complete the pass a little quicker. My truck is an exception to the rule. Most Drivers don’t have that option.

The other side of this, the one no one ever seems to understand is this: We are very heavily regulated by law. The penalties can be very severe. I can only drive for 10 hours in any given 24 hour period. If I have to cover 680 miles in that ten hours in order to deliver my cargo on time, and can only manage an average speed of 68 miles per hour, well, you do the math. On a long run, every single second counts.

The nice thing about your situation is that you can recover your speed in a matter of seconds. However, if there is any upgrade in the five miles ahead, I’ll do what ever it takes to get around a slower or heavier truck before I get to the hill. If I’m forced to slow down, it could take me 30 minutes to regain my speed. If I slow you down for 30 seconds (or even 2 or 3 minutes), I know it’s annoying. but,well, life’s just like that. Sometimes you have to wait in line.

Sorry if that sounds a little snippy …

but you started it.

::waves at Cowgirl Jules::
Thanx! I know, the user name might be just a little deceptive … Lucy

17

Both my uncle and his son were long-haul truck drivers. I have much respect - and enough sense to know to get out of the way. Like the idiots who leave the gene pool cleaner by trying to outrun a locomotive at a railroad crossing - some people don’t seem to realize that in case of a tie, there is no overtime. You LOSE.

18

Thanks for the entertaining and educational rant. Being well aware that my elderly Saturn wouldn’t fare too well in a tangle with a tractor-trailer, I give you guys plenty of room. Even when some asshole tailgates me till he can zip past me to tailgate the truck ahead.

Is it true, if I can’t see your mirrors, you can’t see me behind you?

19

Beautiful rant! My husband is a local driver (about 150 mile radius), and I hear about this crap all the time.

I’m surprised you didn’t mention inattentive cell phone users, though.

20

I have flashed lights at semis to let them know it’s okay to get over into my lane. Sometimes they acknowledge, sometimes they don’t. Should I always flash my lights at them to let them know they can scootch over?

Do you get a kick out of passing a school bus and seeing all the kids waving their hands for you to honk your air horn?