High school buddy turned pedophile!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Well, you might just wait until he is convicted. That is how we do things in America, you know. After all, they arrested some employees at a Barnes & Noble for “child porn” for having an art fotography book for sale (a well known fotog that takes some B&W pics of naked children. Considered legit “art” by the Courts.) I have heard of one dude getting arrested for the old “naked baby on the bearskin rug” type shots of his own kid.

And, even if he had illegal pics of underaged kids- that does not nessesarily follow he is a “pedophile”. You can be a perfectly sexually normal dude and still be turned on by some pic of a 17yo cheerleader. Sure, they have to draw the line somewhere, and having pics of a 17yo might still then be illegal- but that wouldn’t make one a “pedophile”. Hell, I think Tracy Lords was sexy as hell, even though she was only 17- and that doesn’t make me a pedophile.

You’ll feel awfully stupid if it turns out he is innocent.

Unfortunately- even if he is innocent, unless he is a millionaire, they’ll likely make it so that he will “plead out” to one count and no prison time- as the alternative is a $100,000 legal bill, and the chance of 20 life terms.

Of course- there is also a possibilty that he really is a child molester, and a pedophile. In that case, may he rot in prison.

22

Many years ago, I was in a long-term relationship with a man whose best friend was a single dad with five children. The oldest girl was 14 when I met her, and she was basically functioning as the mother to the younger children. The biological mother had left and essentially “washed her hands” of the whole family. They lived in a house with no doors on the inside (except for the bathroom) , and were doing the best they could. I befriended the children, and tried to help as best I could. I took them places, did their school clothes shopping with them, helped the oldest with “becoming a woman”, was available for them anytime they needed a shoulder to cry on, helped them with their homework…whatever they needed. I mean, I took the oldest to get her first BRA, for heaven’s sake, and we bought her first tampons together. I really felt that I knew this whole family VERY well. I had NO IDEA that anything wonky was going on, and I am really quite an intuitive person. Or at least USUALLY I am. The children appeared to be very well adjusted and loved and well cared for. Except for (to a certain extent, but not in any kind of deprivation way) a lack of enough money, they looked like an ideal family…Lacking a mom, sure…but doing better than could be expected under those circumstances.

Some years later, the father was arrested for molesting his oldest daughter. I was outraged, and couldn’t even begin to believe that anyone could accuse him of this heinous act. I was asked to testify as to the loving care he took of his children, and I was happy to do so. He always seemed to put his children first, and from what I knew, he was a VERY good father.

Then, the week before the trial, this man came over to my house and asked if we could talk. We sat down and he told me that he and his oldest girl had had a sexual relationship from the time she was 15 and that he knew it was wrong…but it just happened. He said that he didn’t force her, she was happy with the situation at the time and so was he. He didn’t know why it had happened, and he didn’t know what to do with it. I was appalled, and I didn’t know what to say.

I couldn’t believe that he and his daughter could have A) Done this in THAT house…no doors, remember? without any of the other children knowing. And they didn’t. B) That he loved his family and still engaged in behaviour he was smart enough to KNOW was detrimental to his daughter…even though he felt at the time that she was “happy” with the situation and C) That I could have missed any signs that the girl was in distress of any kind.

Aside from the whole horrible damage done to this family, I think that C) bothered me the most, as I felt responsible for not picking up on anything. She looked up to me, she LOVED me…and I loved her. Where WAS I when she needed me? I was certainly present, and I was certainly on the lookout for problems in that family, as I was very concerned for the lack of a mom in their life. The littlest one even called me mommy a lot of the time. Never ONCE did I suspect anything was going on that WAS going on.

When I was eventually able to talk to the girl, I told her how sorry I was that I had failed her so completely. She said that I DIDN’T fail her. She said that she knew I would be there for her no matter what, but that she knew that if she told me, I would tell her that this was wrong and that she would have to leave her father. And she didn’t want to do that…she was “happy” with things the way they were…and she wouldn’t leave him, and I would be disappointed in her. Once again, I didn’t know what to say. What could I say to THAT?

I still don’t know how I could have missed so much, but I DID learn my lesson. No one, no matter HOW present in someone else’s life, can EVER know the truth about anyone else’s life. I used to “snort” mentally when some woman said she didn’t know her husband was molesting their child. I now know that although improbable, it IS possible.

23

LifeOnWry - Part of the equation may be that many child molesters molest more than one child. In the case of my brother-in-law’s b-i-l, he’d been molesting girls (his own daughters and neighborhood children for over ten years. It wasn’t until my sister’s daughter had the courage to say something when he abused her that the man was arrested and sentenced to jail. And the people that handled the case said they were gratified that my sister and b-i-l were willing to press charges. Apparently in many cases of incest (at the time, they hadn’t finished the investigation and found the extent of his abuse. At first they just had the word of my 10-year-old niece) the family doesn’t press criminal charges. So using him as an example - if he sexually abused 15 children, it would only take one of them turning into an abuser to keep the cycle going. And in the case of a physically abusive person - if a parent beats three kids (or their spouse) not each child will react the same way in adulthood.But, of course, that doesn’t mean that the children that aren’t abusers don’t suffer from other afteraffects of the trauma inflicted on them.

StG

24

This is a bit of a hijack, but somewhat relevant. I used to work at a group home for “sexually aggressive” teenagers.

About 6 months before the place closed down (for financial reasons, not for the situation described below) one of our staff was arrested for several counts of possession of child pornography and well, snooping I guess. I don’t remember the charge exactly, but he bought a camera and was hiding it in the mens locker room of a local gym and filming the guys walking around naked. His gay lover turned him in because the guy I knew threw him out for sleeping around.

Absolutely surreal. I even remember interviewing the guy, when he left I told my boss (I was Asst. Director, so the Director and I both interviewed staff). “He’s really quiet. I’ll bet he’s got some secrets!” I was totally kidding, but boy did that come back to bite me.

Now, even though our funding was in no way involved with this, nor could it be. Nor is it the reason at all why we closed, I see that is the downturn towards closing. I’ve always felt partially responsible, since neither The Director or I could determine anything wrong. But he had all the qualifications and passed his b/g check, so how were we supposed to know.

Having done some research, LIfe on Wry is more correct. While most molesters/abusers, etc. are not born in a vacuum… it does not necessarily mean that you will grow to abuse if you were a victim. Some people do in fact come to abuse on their own for whatever reason.

Having worked with abusers, the hard part to keep in mind is that these guys are pretty dang sick. (Not just, ewwww, sick. But sick in the head. Not much different than a schizophrenic, in theory.) That was the hard thing to keep in mind working with the guys I worked with when hearing about their individual stuff. Unfortunately everybody becomes afraid of these people and basically try to shut them out like they don’t exist and won’t deal with them.

Hyperjes-- that sucks about your friend. You should go talk to him. He certainly could use somebody to help him out through the ordeal. (Not to justify what he did which can not be done, but somebody who can help him get better.)

25

I am in complete agreement with what you’re saying StGermain - my only point was that there are in your equation 14 kids who DON’T grow up to be molesters. Under NO circumstances would I suggest that those children aren’t affected by the trauma, or that the cycle of abuse is a myth. It’s not a myth, but it is used by many abusers as a “reason” for what they’ve done.

Those who recover from the trauma of abuse and go on to adulthood and break the cycle for themselves and their families are under-represented when people start tossing out statistics.

All that said, I do not wish to hijack the thread any further - there are important stories here that need to be heard. What I neglected to say in any of my previous posts was this - my heart breaks for the victims of abuse, and for those who are forced to the conclusion that, “I should have known, I should have been aware, I should have done something.” Sometimes, you CAN’T know, and if that is the case (as with so many already posting in this thread) you should never ever blame yourself.

26

LifeOnWry - I was trying to validate your point. There are plenty of people who have been abused in many ways that go on to be loving parents, good neighbors and otherwise ordinary citizens.

StG

27

Honestly, Copper_moon, I don’t know if I want to talk to him. At least not anytime soon. On one hand, I kind of want to- you know, to say “How could you do this?” But that wouldn’t accomplish anything. On the other hand, I kind of want to eliminate all contact. d_redguy and I would like to start having children in the next couple of years. I just don’t ever want him near my kids.

DrDeth, I agree with you about how the term pedophilie should be applied. But my “friend” is 25 years old, and all the news reports either directly state or imply that the pictures and video involved included “very young children.” I doubt that that refers to 17 year old girls. I wish I could provide links, but I don’t want to give away names, etc.

I am still pretty creeped out and confused about the whole thing. d_redguy and I were at the mall tonight, and I found myself looking at all the children and teenagers, wondering “Is that something that turned him on?” It made me literally sick to my stomach. I recently resigned from my job as a preschool teacher (to persue something else) and feel very strongly about kids and their welfare. I just don’t know how to come to terms with the idea that someone I was close to could do this.
:frowning: :confused: :mad: :frowning:

28

I have a lady friend whose step-father molested her for almost 10 years.

When it finally came out, not only did the mother fight to keep her husband from going to jail, she worked to get the charges brought down. He ended up doing weekends in county jail and therapy. They refered to it as his ‘sickness’.

About a year ago, they got in an arguement (her and her mother) over the phone, and when her mother asked her ‘What did I do to get you so mad?’ the lady-friend replied with ‘Well, you defended the man who raped me for 10 years’.

Her mothers response?

“you’re still mad about that?”

I wanted to choke.

Things have been getting progressively more cordial between all parties, but the man still doesn’t admit to doing anything wrong… he was ‘sick’, and hence not responsible.

I’m probably going to see this man face to face sometime this year.
Wish me luck.

29

Back to the OP, let us once again remember that one is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

30

A Catholic priest who was once a colleague of my wife’s was recently sentenced on child molestation charges. She really liked the guy when she worked with him. She’s very depressed about it; she has a hard time seeing him as the sort of person who would have done something like this. Neither of us expected that scandal to hit so close to home.

In the interest of fighting ignorance, that presumption is valid in certain courts of law, particularly those in the Anglo-Saxon world.

This thread isn’t a court of law. It’s perfectly reasonable for posters to make their own judgments on the basis of pics and videotapes of very young children in this guy’s possession.

31

I found out a few months back that an ex-boyfriend from high school is in jail for having sex with 13 year old girls. He was 19 when he was arrested.

It’s a weird feeling…

32

Pammipoo, I understand how you’re feeling. While “my friend” and I never had a romantic relationship, we were very close as kids. It’s an icky thought. I can only imagine how I’d feel if it was an ex. Have you kept in touch over the years? Are you ever going to talk to him again? That’s the thing I’m having a really hard time with. I know he’s sick, but what he did makes ME feel sick. I just can’t decide if it’s my obligation, as an old friend, to talk to him and try to help or if my own icked-out feelings are an acceptable reason to break ties.
:frowning:

33

hyperjes, perhaps the best way to answer your question would be to think of yourself as being well into the Senior Citizen category right now. you’re looking back on your life during a contemplative moment. how do you feel about what you did in this situation?

are you proud of yourself for managing to rise above your own feelings and trying to see if someone needed help?

are you grossed out that you actually listened to the slimeball talk about the situation in all its nastiness?

are you wondering what would have happened if you actually had found the nerve to see him?
which scenario would you prefer to remember, when you think back on it many years from now?
lachesis

34

When I was in college a kid I used to pal around with in high school turned out to be a child molestor, drug dealer and rapist. He was only caught because his “girlfriend,” upon whom he regularly forced drugs and sex, drew the line at letting him inject heroin into a toddler she was babysitting.

I had always thought of him as the most harmless guy in the world – he was big and dopey and incredibly easy going – but in retrospect I know I should have seen the signs, they were obvious enough. I certainly wasn’t anywhere as close to him as hyperjes was to her friend, but I still wonder if there was anything I did to lead him down this path, and I know that if I’d been paying closer attention I might have stopped it earlier.

–Cliffy