Reopening old sexual abuse/predator wounds?

Great Debates
1

This is a rather charged issue and could go either IMHO or GD—mods move as appropriate.

Over twenty years ago, one of my female in-laws was sexually abused by her uncle—young child, single incident, no physical damage. As you would imagine, she went through therapy and personal issues but has been able to forgive the guy and get on with her life. As was quite common at the time, no legal action was taken.

Time has passed, people have continued to live their lives etc. etc. Now the abused is married and a mother, the abuser has several kids and is a grandfather. He is rather distant from the extended family (often absent from gatherings where he would come into contact with the abused). Personally (and this is just from my own distant observation), I think he is still punishing himself for what he did. As far as I know the abuse was an isolated incident.

Recently, the brother of the abused (younger than his sister but now a parent himself) became interested in the whole sexual predator issue (registry, recidivism rates, posted warnings, website identification, etc.). He feels his sister should tell the oldest child and child-in-law of the abuser about the past incident so they can keep their kids from being alone with him. He also feels that all of the abuser’s kids should be told so they will protect their own children (as far as the abused and her brother know, the children of the abuser don’t know about the incident).

Looking back, of course the abuser should have been prosecuted; it took a while for the abused to realize that the incident wasn’t her fault. The abuser should have been made to have taken some therapy (I am fairly certain he didn’t). It always comes down to a lot of ‘should haves’—but the past is the past and nothing can change that.

I can respect what the brother is thinking (he is close to the children of the abuser and doesn’t want their children to go through the same thing his sister did). On the other hand, it is very difficult to decide a ‘best way’ to handle this or if, in fact, anything should be done at all.

On to the big questions:
Is the man a ‘time bomb’ in danger of relapse if he is put in the wrong situation?
Should old family wounds be reopened to protect the grandchildren?
What is the best way to handle the situation?

2

Here is a useful site for you, or any of your many family who might be interested in the subject.

Unhappily I have to gallop in all directions just now. But I’ll be back in a couple hours on the rest of it – just thought you might find this useful in the mean time.

3

You know, so the brother of the abused (or the abused lass herself) has been spreading the word.

Probably the older members of the family knew, but kept an eye on things.

If the brother pushes it, then get your black suit and tie ready, a little persecution and the old guy will commit suicide.

I would suggest to the brother that a sign of a repressed kiddie fiddler is someone who persecutes old gits.

Mostly, I reckon, people know - the brother just wants to start a witch hunt.

I totally disapprove of such sexual behaviour, and I know of instances (including myself but I was young and believed it was just a penis examination), but I really disapprove of people persecuting people for known old crimes.

4

I was molested by a relative as a young child and no, he wasn’t prosecuted but at least my parents made sure there was never another opportunity for him to be alone with any of us kids. I’m not really sure what my parents told other family members at the time, but my cousins always continued being around him so either their parents didn’t believe it happened or didn’t think it’d happen again.

Once I was old enough to become a parent myself, I absolutely made sure that there were never any circumstances where that man could be in charge of or alone with my child. And I made sure that all the siblings and cousins in the family knew I thought they shouldn’t let their kids be around him either, just in case.

Such conversations were handled adult to adult, no big ol family drama necessary, and they were free to have whatever type of relationship with the abuser that they wished to. I just needed to know that I’d done the right thing by warning them, as they might not have known when we were kids or might have forgotten or whatever.

I could not have lived with myself if one of the kids wound up going through that just because the parents didn’t realize it was a possibility. I mean, sure, technically it’s possible anyone at any time has the potential to harm your child, no way to completely guard against that, but this was different. A person who’s sexually abused small children in the past…the parents of any small children in the immediate vicinity have a right to know, IMO.

5

How do you know any of this? They’ve been “spreading the word;” oh really? You know them? And, because the brother wants to prevent another tragedy, he’s a repressed pedophile? That’s disgusting. :mad:

I don’t think a child molester deserves any special consideration for his feelings. Parents should know, and the brother should tell. And FRDE, if he commits suicide, oh well. You know, maybe he shouldn’t molest little girls. I don’t think they should throw rotten fruit at him, and hiss and spit whenever he walks into a room, but he shouldn’t be alone with children, period. The right of a child to not be sexually abused ranks far far higher in my opinion then the right of some kiddie diddler to not feel “sad” about the horrible things he managed to get away with in the past.

6

IMHO, the best approach. Very nicely stated.

7

I doubt it. My family is quite close to both of the ones who know. The brother thinks word ought to come from the abused, I guess because it would mean more.

8

I find FRDE’s expressed attitude in this thread reprehensible. Seriously, read up on pedophilia and recidivism rates before you make such proclaimations from on high. :dubious:

9

How do the recidivism rates compare to other crimes?

10

I will make a quick reply, then dig up some of the sites that others who have far more knowledge than I recommend for reading on the topic. The short answer is, the rates are much higher than with other crimes. There isn’t really a “cure” for it in many cases, some sort of go “sober” out of choice, but they are at risk of giving in to the urge from then on.

11

Moving thread from IMHO to Great Debates.

12

I didn’t bookmark the links, and am still digging. I e-mailed the people to see if they had them easily to hand. We’ll see if they reply, meanwhile I’ll keep digging at their sites.

13

OK, EVERYONE, this thread is now in Great Debates. That means that people who choose to participate should present facts, preferably facts that can be supported by citations, rather than personal opinions. It also means that there will be no more emotional expressions regarding the views of other posters.

If anyone wishes to debate the particular issues, fine.
If you are here to express your personal displeasure that some human somewhere on the planet has behaved in a manner of which you disapprove, (whether it is actions toward a child, disclosure or nondisclosure of an event, or the expression of an opinion on the SDMB), go open your own thread in the BBQ Pit.

[ /Moderating ]

14

Well, TomnDebb

  • you have cut down the parameters by moving this to GD
  • IMHO this is in the wrong sector, but I can live with it

The problem is that I can’t cite anecdotes or give my opinion of the ‘defacto limitation of statuary crimes’ in GD.

But I can say that the OP was saying ‘do I have sanction for a Witch Hunt ?’

I request a transfer back to IMHO - then I can tell yarns about how things used to be controlled - and one that still worries me.

15

I did not move the thread and I am not going to play ping-pong with another Forum.

Your assertion of a witch hunt is based on little more than a desire to shape the discussion in a way to give you free rein to assert any assumption you hold as fact. The OP has not (yet) provided anywhere nearly enough information for the reader to determine motivations or capabilities of those involved.
If I were to start dragging anecdotes from personal experience into the thread, I could point out that I know one person for whom a single incident of immature teenage curiosity became an albatross hung around his neck for the rest of his life and I know two guys who continued their predatory behvior into their seventies. Without a substantial amount of detailed information regarding the OP’s story, I am not going to extrapolate my anecdotes onto this discussion.

If you feel that the concern for sexual abuse is being used as a weapon to wreck lives, present docvumentary evidence or open a rant in the Pit. (I suspect that you would find going back to IMHO to be a frustrating experience.)

ETA: If you take up the matter with Czarcasm, (who did move the thread), and persuade him to take it back to IMHO, either he or I can move it back.

16

Do you have kids? If you have a daughter, would you be willing to take a chance on leaving her alone with this dude? As far as I’m concerned, kiddy-diddling is a one strike kind of a deal. If you do it once, you forfeit any right to ever be trusted with children again.

Child molestors rarely, if ever, have only one victim. Any child left alone with Uncle Pervy is at risk. Their safety is more important than his feelings. Even if there is only a 10 percent chance he’ll reoffend, it’s 10 percent too much. It should be assumed that he is still dangerous and always will be.

I wouldn’t be surprised if his own kids already know, though.

17

Cite?

18

No offense to your or tomndebb, but why? How is this different from other threads where someone is asking for advice about a family situation?

19

I suspect that you will need to e-mail Czarcasm to discover the reason.

20

From a Canadian study:

And a John Howard commentary (which may have an agenda of its own) on that Canadian study.
From a U.S. National Institute of Justice study: