Money, Thunder thinks, Og I wish I had some. * I quit American Gladiators many years ago to try to make some, and now I croon to guys who pour coffee on their crotch. *
The only thing that could make Thunder feel worse is if Hulk Hogan himself appeared at the door and offered him a job.
The door rattles and a big blond man enters…
SSG Schwartz
“Can you help me?”
“What seems to be the problem?”
“I have an appointment with the NBC Blue network.”
“The what?”
“The NBC Blue network.”
“All right. When did you set your appointment?”
“July 17th, 1937.”
“Well, then…”
Then Melinda recognized the man at the door.
“Wait a minute, you’re Jack. What are you doing here? Why are you rambling about NBC Blue whatever that is?” asked a stunned Melinda “Melanie” Smithers-Stickwithers.
“Jack-O-Mania is running wild!” laughed Jack as he tore off his shirt.
At the sight of this Thunder and crew beat a hasty retreat out the door.
Reggie Smithers-Stickwithers stared angrily at his brother. “Shouldn’t you be home taking care of that panda of yours? We were trying to have an important conversation.”
Jack gave a somewhat nonplussed look and headed over to the counter for a cup of coffee, leaving Melinda and Reggie to talk once more.
“So YOU are Sexy_Thing_33. And all the time I thought it was our neighbor Mrs. Welters using the computer while we were gone all day. Heck I even made up an advertising proposal based on…” Reggie’s voice trailed off as he remembered his probable firing.
Melinda looked sadly at her husband. Did she really know him at all?
In the corner Jack tried unsuccessfully to impress the young bikini-clad girl at the coffee counter with his painfully bad Hulk Hogan imitation.
“What is going on with everyone these days?” muttered Melinda to herself.
But more importantly…did this coffee shop have lice?
“I’m in the mood for some blood sausage, let’s go next door and finish this.” said Melinda, as she peered around the beanbags for signs of those evil infesting bugs. Why given half the chance she would cut them…
But this thought was interrupted as JB, Horton, and Charlie the Screw burst through the door carrying what looked to be a mangled helicoptor blade…
Charlie the Screw bellowed, “Does anybody know the name of a good scrap dealer? Either that, or the phone number for the NTSB? It’s important!”
A neighborhood was shaken yesterday afternoon after an blackmarket cadaver smuggling ring was discovered in the walk-in refigerator of a local coffee shop. Authorities were called in to investigate a call of a distubance, and found the bodies at a Starbucks.
Hugo Reyes, a local policeman on the scene, told The Sun Weekly Tribune, “We were just looking for some guy in a panda suit when all of a sudden I found all these dead bodies. I was like, ‘Dude, why do you have all these dead bodies?’”
Paramedics were called in but it was soon confirmed late last night that the bodies in the refrigerator were indeed dead. The hunt for the owner of the shop ended quickly after he was discovered by nearby traintracks in grave condition after a failed suicide attempt. Photos of the scene, available online on our website, show the grisley aftermath after he tried to lay down on tracks as a train approached.
Celebrity chef, Guy Fieri, who happened to be filming nearby was quoted in saying, “It smelled like second degree burns! Why oh why did I put my nose there!?”
A stern-faced news reporter speaks on the Six O’clock News:
What had first appeared to be a neighborhood’s worst nightmare turned even stranger this morning as it was revealed that coffee shop owner Pete Guano had collected bodies from Friday’s Ribbon-Cutting Copter Tragedy. Originally thought to be a cadaver smuggling operation, it now appears to be the work of one dranged individual. Police suspect Guano planned to refrigerate the stolen bodies and somehow bring them back to life —using oddly enough, a powerful suit deodorant.
Reportedly Guano’s sister, Diane Guano, had noticed what she took to be stigmata on the body of an old a Mr. Von Ribbentrop. She reported this to her brother which supposedly, according to Ms. Guano, lead her deranged brother to “hear voices” that commanded him to collect the bodies. Ms. Guano, a Nurse at the Jackson Heights Home for the Insane, has been detained according to Police Spokeswoman Jane Welters.
Guano reportedly had also been helping earlier in the day with the ribbon cutting ceremony at the NBCBLUE Office complex. He is not believed to have been directly involved in that catastrophe.
KYBC News spoke with several diners who had been in the coffee shop earlier that day. They report Guano had entered the coffee shop and forced everyone to leave.
The Tip-Top Coffee shop had previously been best known for its bean bag chairs, a bikini-wearing staff, and its otherwise overall sparseness.
The cafe had also been closed for a week recently by State Health Department Officials due to a reported lice infestation.
These additional bodies now bring the death toll from the tragic helicopter crash to 245.
Police report no word on anyone wearing a panda suit. More details tonight at 11:00.
Having received no answer to his plea, Charlie the Screw finally put down the blade in exhaustion and ordered an extra-hot grande mocha espresso with a double shot of strawberry liquer, no cream, to go.
JB and Horton, of course, were long gone.
Unfortunately for Charlie, they had taken the espresso machine with them, so it would be a long time before he could have any coffee.
Fortunately, Charlie had bought a large number of newspapers before coming in, and was prepared to wait.
In the alley behind the coffee shop Reggie Stickwithers squeezed himself into the lice infested panda suit. He planned to hijack animal control’s truck. Then use it to sneak in to the Dexter Guard compound.
Suddenly from around the corner came Charlie the Screw. When he saw Reggie he spit out his coffee and shouted “What the hell are you doing here?” Tossing his hard earned Mocha aside he raised his helicopter blade to strike.
Mr. Stickwithers was half way into the panda suit, he tried to back away from the Screw but tripped over the legs of the suit falling backwards. “Please don’t I can pay you” he pleaded.
“This is the last time you will fuck with Dexter Guard” sneered the Screw. Then he paused, looking at the entangled advertiser at his feet “We are gonna have some fun back at HQ Reggie, finish putting your fat ass into that filthy panda suit.”
But suddenly Charlie was incapacitated by a flashback; they seemed to be coming more frequently these days. Curled into a ball on the ground, he wept uncontrollably as he relived that first day in school when everyone in class had learned that his last name was “Buggermonkey”. The humiliation had only been compounded by his parents’ blind insistance that his name was nothing to be ashamed of. He had suffered the long years of degradation, the futile pleas with his parents that they legally change their name. Finally, he had murdered his hateful parents, then went on a spree to kill any other surviving people named Buggermonkey. He had thought he had finally killed the last of them, when that goddamn punk band has chosen the name. Now he couldn’t even pass a record store without seeing the accursed name. But he had a plan; an ultimate final solution…
Reggie and Charlie writhed around on the ally floor, Reggie trapped in his panda suit, Charlie in his Buggermonkey flashback. Suddenly Sexy_thing_33 walked around the corner, nearly tripping over the incapacitated Charlie the Screw.
As Herman Melville interrupted the flow of Moby-Dick with those accursed discussions of cetacean biology and the whaling industry, I now feel compelled to analyze the names of some of our dramatis personae:
Sexy_thing_33 refers to both the woman’s Christ-figure complex (Jesus is reputed to have been crucified at the age of 33) and her fondness for Rolling Rock beer, whose bottles enigmatically sport that product of eleven and three.
Horton represents a nod to Theodor Geisel, who wrote Horton Hatches the Egg under his pen name of Dr. Seuss.
“Charlie the Screw” is short for “Charlie the Screwdriver Drinker”. Although his surname is not given, I like to think it is Phillips. Which reminds me, do you know what you get when you mix orange juice, vodka, and milk of magnesia? A Phillips Screwdriver!
The word “Guano” refers to bat or bird droppings used as fertilizer. In 1856, the United States Government passed the Guano Islands Act, which provided for the annexation of any island, or even free-standing rock outpost in the ocean, which contained guano deposits and which had not been claimed by any foreign power. This was done as a reaction to the Peruvian monopoly on better-grade guano, which was made possible by that South American country’s possession of the Chincha Islands.
The first island annexed by the USA under the act was Baker Island. Thus, it has been speculated that “Diane Guano” is a thinly disguised roman à clef version of Diane Baker, the actress perhaps best known for playing David Janssen’s love interest in the series finale of The Fugitive.
You’re absolutely right.* After the series wrapped, she gave up acting for a medical career. And her experiences in Hollywood more than prepared her to deal with the loonies she sees on a day to day basis.
*(why not?, certainly makes sense to me, as much as anything else in this story does)
Sexy_Thing_33 approached Reggie and Charlie The Screw. She had a sad, almost grieving, look on her face. Leaning over she tugged at the panda suit until Reggie slipped free. He slumped onto the pavement, then jerked to his feet.
Reggie Stickwithers looked at Sexy_Thing_33 in deep shame. “Melinda… I’m sorry, so very sorry…”
And he could say no more. Tearfully Reggie Stickwithers slunk away, a defeated man.
Melinda watched Reggie shuffle down the street and around the corner. Then she turned to Charlie, who was still incapacitated by his madness. Kneeling she put her lips almost on Charlie’s upturned right ear.
She whispered: “Sexy_Thing_33” consists of 11 characters. The third letter in SEXY is “X”, and the third letter in THING is “I”. XI is 11 in Roman numerals. There are also two underline marks in this name. They can be turned on their side to create an 11."
Charlie The Screw moaned loudly, but Melinda continued.
“Three 11’s equal to 33.”
Reaching into her pocketbook Melinda produced a copy of Melville’s Moby Dick.
“This will come in handy during those long nights in the Jackson Heights Home for the Insane.” she whispered unkindly. “I suggest you read page 33 first.”
Melinda dropped the book at Charlie’s feet. She then rose to follow Reggie.
“Buggermonkey!” cried out Charlie The Screw. He curled into a fetal position and whimpered softly. Dizziness overcame this wretched man as he watched Melinda disappear around the corner. Then, with a final muffled squeal, he shut his eyes in a comatose sleep.
With Charlie and Melinda gone, and the helpless C.T.S lying eyes-closed in a pool of sticky drool, there was no one to see the shadowy figure quietly creep over and snatch up the panda suit. There was no one to see the gleeful demented smile on this figure’s face…nor the long knife it held in its other hand…