The idea is to add on something which will make sense (sort of) and I realise it’s been done before but what the hell, let’s go again…
I wandered down the country lane, it was raining and cold and I had no coat.
Across a field I could see what seemed to be a disused farmhouse so I climbed the fence and…
It broke, dumping me into a puddle of muddy water and cow shit.
“Fucking hell” I thought, this isn’t one of my better days.
Hauling myself to my feet I spat out a mouthful of cow shit and proceeded …
onward, through the field, towards the farmhouse. The rain washed away only a tiny bit of the cow shit still adhering to my jeans. A cow mooed off to my right, and I hated his colon.
So I pulled out my gun and shot the cow. It was not a kill shot. I wanted him to suffer.
Unfortunately, my gun jammed, most likely on cow shit. The cow, which I now realized was a bull, lowered his head to charge…
Luckily the cow shit covered my red shirt so the bull could not see me well. Finally I made it to the farm house.
Wherein I discovered a portal to another world.
…but not before I spotted a bathroom off to my left, pristine white towels neatly folded beside a hot steaming…
. . . pile of shit. I just can’t win for shit. But I perservere to . . . .
…the bitter end. I divest myself of my shit stained clothing and begin to shovel the pile of steaming shit from the bathroom.
Lowering myself into the hot steaming bath I lie, luxuriating in the warmth when suddenly I fart and follow through.
More shit I think, then came a loud knocking…
…at the door. And I heard the unmistakable sound of a shotgun cocking. It was the angry home-owner, who had seen me pull the gun on the cow, and seen me come into his bathroom. He was hollering all sorts of obsenities and was threatening to kill me unless I came out now. I had no other choice but to…
…reach for my pistol lying on the floor, I fired and the bloody thing jammed again, I’d forgotten to clean the cow shit off it.
“Holy crap, I’m in a pile of shit now” I thought. Then I had a brilliant idea, I’d…
just step through the portal to another world, escaping the angry farmer. It looked like a pretty nice place, with a breathable atmosphere and a red sun high in the sky. I was in a forest surrounded by tall trees that kinda looked like purple pine trees, if you squinted a little. What really surprised me, though, was the…
fact that I had left my clothes back in the bathroom, in another dimension, well beyond my current reach. At least I still had my shit clogged pistol in my hand, so I decided to…
peek back through the portal, see that the farmer was gone, and grab my clothes. Steppng back through the portal again, I washed them in the eerily clear waters of an alien lake. But then…
a growling, guttural “moo” sounds behind me. It’s that cow I tried to shoot – he’s coming through the portal, and he’s got friends.
There’s nothing worse than being attacked by bovines on on alien world, I thought to myself. But then, something tapped me on the shoulder…
…and imagine my surprise when I recognized her as Angie Harmon! She had a sixpack of my favorite beer in one hand, a condom in the other, and a lewd smile that almost - almost, mind you! - distracted me from the fact that she was completely naked. Of course, what could I do but…
…grab the beers from her, open one and greedily slurp it down.
“Look out” I screamed, to late, the bull, for it was not a cow as I first thought, charged and tossed her high into the air.
Blood and entrails were everywhere. “Ah well, that’s life” I thought grabbing the remaining 5 beers and…