I’ve met his mother.
Years and years ago, when I was a checker/stocker at a grocery store, a lady comes up to me and wants to know where the Walgreens batteries were. <blink> “Uh Ma’am, this is Dominick’s. Walgreens is about three blocks down the road.”
At least she was polite.
Since I’ve told it before I won’t go into the entire loooong story, but my favorite has to be the time I called customer service because my cable internet wasn’t working. After a long frustrating time with the computer that kept insisting I do the Modem Dance, I finally got a human. He also wanted to do the Modem Dance. I told him I knew the problem was the cable rather than the computer or modem because I use Vonage cable telephone and my phone was also out. After finally admitting the service in my area was down for maintaince (I have no problem with that; it was about 2am) the idiot tried to upsell me the cable company’s telephone service.
I started laughing and told him it probably wasn’t a good idea to try to sell me another service when the one I’m already paying for isn’t working.
Every day I had to explain to people that you need an account to rent movies. Movie rental places don’t just give away movies to perfect strangers and hope to get them back.
I learned from that job that about 50% of America is too stupid to figure out how to rent a movie. I have no idea how the country keeps working.
They also don’t offer the same attention-and-sympathy-getting benefits as seriously sick babies do. For the mom and dad who just have to have people gathered around offering assurance, favors and home cooking, a preemie would be ideal.
Of course, they could get the same rush of caring if they burned their house down. Too bad arson is a crime.
The other 50% of us are working our asses off to cover for them.
I work in a medical center (clinic plus hospital) and it makes me sad how many people show up with zero idea of what they’re doing. No room number, no building name, no doctor name, no real idea of the department. It’s not frequent but man, it blows my mind every time it happens.
I work in Technical Support and I have my share of stupid customer stories. Here’s one of my favorites:
Once, a woman called wanting to know how to send attachments via email in kilobytes instead of megabytes. I explained that KB/MB are just different ways of expressing the same thing (file size) and I even came up with what I thought was a nice dollars and cents analogy to explain the concept. She still didn’t get it though…she said everyone sent her files in kilobytes instead of megabytes and she wanted to do the same thing. I thought maybe she just wanted to send smaller files so suggested if they are pictures, for example, she can use various programs to reduce the picture/file size. No, she said, she did not want to send smaller files, she wanted to send in kilobytes not megabytes (but would not explain why or what she hoped to accomplish by doing so). Eventually she got angry with me and she told me I should major in communications because I kept just telling her the same thing over and over again. She said she wanted to talk to an expert, was there a supervisor around who knew more about computers than I did? I happily transferred her to someone else – who told her the same thing I did, of course.
This one’s maybe not stupid, per se, but…well, I’m not coming up with a good descriptive term so I’ll just let it stand for itself.
**Me (I’m female, BTW): Thank you for calling Tech Support, this is Mirasol, how can I help you?
(male) Caller: Hello? Is there a technician available there?
Me: Yes, this is the tech support department.
Caller: So you’re a technician?
Me: Yes.
Caller: Well, you’re the best looking technician I’ve ever seen!
Me: <awkward pause while I think about how to respond to that one> OK…
Caller: That was supposed to be a joke, Mirasol. Lighten up.
**
Ok, one more. I should note that at least up until this point this person sounded like a native English speaker:
**Me: We will need to add commas before and after the number your computer is dialing.
Caller: What’s a comma?**
I would have apologized.
Madam, I am sorry your son is a fucking idiot and does not possess the smarts God gave a house plant.
Evidently some guy at the casino I used to work at washed his hands in the urinal. After customer complaints we had security follow him into the bathroom and sure enough. “I sorry, I sorry, I not from this country…”
I’m not sure who the stupid one in this story is -
I was doing computer repairs back in '97 or so, the girl that answered the phone sends me a call about a keyboard problem. After the pleasantries are over the customer informs me that she knocked a potted plant off of her monitor and it spilled all over her keyboard and she wanted to know how to clean it off.
Well, I told her, first make sure it is unplugged - especially if the plant had been watered lately and then maybe use a vacuum nozzle to clean the worst off. Next, if she really wanted this keyboard, she’d have to take it apart and get the dirt out of everything.
But I suggested she just toss it and come pick up a new one at our store. Keyboards just weren’t that expensive and taking them apart and putting back together could be problematic.
There was a long pause and she finally said something along the lines of “Throw it away and buy a new one? Are you serious?”
“Sure” I replied “$20 will replace it and you’re only out the time to come down here”
“$20? I spent (some number in the hundreds) for this keyboard!”
“Holy Crap!” I exclaimed “What kind of keyboard do you have?” Thinking some kind of graphic artist thing or braille or something.
“It’s a Yamaha” she said.
.
.
.
“Let me transfer you to audio” I concluded lamely.
Customer looks at our wines and then walks to the counter
Customer: I am looking for a good french wine, do you know any other liquor stores in the area?
Me: (A mix between :mad: and 
) No.
Customer leaves
I could have asked him why he didn’t think any of our wines were good, but I assumed he didn’t know what he was talking about and didn’t want give him any help.
May have mentioned this one before. Some dude comes into the quasi-fast-food Italian joint where I was working. I take his order at the register-- I think it was to go. I head to the back to wash some dishes or something, and when I come out he tells me that the breadsticks for the customers have gone stale. I’m thinking to myself, what breadsticks? He didn’t order any breadsticks, and even if he had they would have been ready with the rest of his order.
Turns out he raided a jar of ancient-looking breadsticks from a display of Italiany-looking plastic foods like tomatoes and leaves and such. They looked in no way whatsoever like they should be eaten, and had been sitting around for the entirety of the time I worked there, and possibly since the restaurant opened. This genius was the only one to ever think they should be edible.
I can only wonder if whether they were plastic like the rest of the display, he would have continued to eat them.
I walked out of a Blockbuster once because they wouldn’t let me open account without providing a work number, even though I was unemployed. It appeared to be an obstacle so severe that they just couldn’t trust their videos with me.
I mentioned our new office in my post above. The building was built to be a funeral home, but it was never used as one. When we bought and renovated it, we kept as much of the building as we could. We have our name on it in big gold letters and a big sign outside.
Guy is trying to find our office. He calls me and asks for directions. After a frustrating five minutes:
Me: Look, we are on the corner of XXXX & XXXX Avenues. It’s the big white building.
Him: I’m right on that corner. The only big white building here is the funeral home----wait a minute…
I was down for the count. I cracked up and when I got my breath back told him to park and come in. When he walked through the door I was still laughing. I was gasping. I was pounding the desk…
Maybe you had to hear it “…wait a minute”
You’ve gotta be part of the “system”, man! You gotta have a job, a wife, 2.5 kids, a 4-door sedan, a house in the suburbs before Blockbuster will let ya rent a movie man! And they’ll block out the nudie bits for ya too.
Worse yet they think they have a chance of a cute baby.
#1 Stupid Belligerent Threats.
I worked Security at a truck gate at a distribution center for a major retailer. When trucks leave, they have to open their trailers to show us that they’re empty and that they’re not stealing anything. It’s policy. No show, no leave.
At about 3am, this bozo decides that he doesn’t want to open up. When I refuse to allow him to leave until he does, he begins to make physical threats. At first I just blow them off, but as he gets angrier, I point to the sign about 5 feet away that says the area is under audio and video surveillance. The audio part is not true, but with 11 cameras pointed at the gate area, we’re on at least three at any given moment. I tell him to just keep talking, it’s all being recorded and we can use it at his trial.
This doesn’t shut him up, he gets more threatening. So I begin retreating toward the gate building and tell him that all I have to do is go inside, lock the doors and call the cops, he isn’t going anywhere. He declares that he’ll just blow the gate.
“Fine, then I’ll just tell the cops to look for the truck with parts of my gate sticking out of it’s grill. Then they can charge you for property damage too.”
At that, he fumed around for a minute or so, then the storm broke and he agreed to open his trailer. Nothing was inside and he left peacably. All that fire and energy for nothing.
BUT: I reported the driver and he was permanently barred from that retailer’s property. Whatever part of his livelyhood came from making deliveries to them is now in the past.
#2 You people stole from me!
Same truck gate. Guy comes in with a load of Playstations, of which we’re only getting part of the shipment. Very secure. The guy can’t be out of sight of the truck and has to physically be IN the trailer whenever it’s open. Arrives at the gate sealed, which is usual. Our practice is to cut the seal, visually inspect, and put our own seal on the load. The guy then drives into our docks, which are internal. Inside, the manager checks the seal against the number I say I put on it, cuts the seal with this guy present, they unload our share while he watches and counts, then they reseal. Guy drives out to me. I check the seal, cut it, visually inspect and place yet another seal on the load for departure.
*Scrrreeeech!
“Wait a minute! There are units missing. You people stole from me! Somewhere on the grounds here, someone stole part of my cargo!”*
I say “Sir, you arrived sealed, we did such, you did such, this happened, that happened. All the seals match. At no point was your truck unsealed except here and at the dock. You were physically present and watching at each of these points. If there are units missing, then it did not happen here.”
He insists, and threatens to call the cops. Demands we turn over units to him. I call the dock manager to report, then the Asset Protection Manager. APM comes out to the gate. Again we go through each and every step of the procedure. APM checks my paperwork to ensure the seals all matched. At this point, we’re 100% in the clear and so APM grabs the phone and tells the guy that he’s going to call the police to have them investigate, and after that, he’ll be calling the guy’s company to inform them that we believe this is a case of fraud.
Suddenly the guy changes his tune. Complete 180. Nope, everything’s fine, nothing wrong, I’ll just be going now. Turns white when APM says that we’ll still be reporting this to the police and to his company just to cover our own asses against any claims made later.
Never did hear any more on it.
#3 You guys are so stupid!
Working armored, we had a special phone number with an answering machine for people to leave messages if they needed supplies, mainly the secure bags for their deposits.
One of our new clients was a chain of local strip clubs run by a Lebanese family. The woman in charge was very tough, but not as bright as she thought she was. One day my partner gets reamed out because we didn’t deliver the supplies she ordered. Then she calls several of our managers to scream at them about it. We don’t have any such order on file, it’s not on the machine. She insists that she made it. Calls again later to make the order again. The next day I get yelled at about it, less so because she likes me, and we go through the entire process again.
At some point, one of the managers asks her which number she’s dialling. Turns out she’s using the right number, but the wrong area code. The manager checks and finds it’s some persons private answering machine.
So at least twice, this stupid cunt called some woman’s private answering machine, one with a cutesy message on it, completely ignored that message, didn’t notice it wasn’t a professional company response, then left her long belligerent order on it. Then screamed at a good half dozen people because we didn’t have any record of her order, threatening to drop our service.
We almost dropped her as a client. It was put to myself and my partner, delivering there daily, to decide to drop the pickup at any time if they continued to be unprofessional towards us.
Oh yeah, and when I quit, the bitch called up my boss and threatened to drop us again because I was leaving and she’d been “promised” that it would always be the same two guys picking up every day. 
Sure. Just as soon as you provide a completely reliable way to identify “someone with a clue”.
I read this on another board, but it’s too good to pass up.
A tech support person got a call from an irate customer with a new computer. They had connected all the parts, but couldn’t proceed from there as the computer did not appear to have a CD drive. The tech established that it should have one, and that it had to be opened before the CD could be accepted. The tech told him how to push the button so that the part could slide open to accept his CD’s. The customer repeatedly said that it wasn’t working. After going back and forth for a bit, the technician asked him to explain exactly what happened when he pushed the button.
“The only thing that comes out is the cup holder.” the customer said.
Late 80’s, fairly early days of PCs. Nothing like today.
I programmed Group Health Insurance Ratings programs for our regional offices. A rather flamboyant young man from our local office managed to get himself assigned to “assist” with design and testing of a new version of the software.
He wanted each keystroke to make a completely different sound, so that he could type by touch and know by sound what he was typing.
Did NOT like it when I said NO very clearly and firmly. My boss (a “please the end user at any cost, there are no stupid ideas” type) wasn’t happy with me either. I had to demonstrate that it would be a> much slower in operation, and b> exceedingly annoying to anyone not this guy and everyone in their office in earshot. “Well then give us the option to turn it off”. No. Too much work, too much hassle. (Remember, this was before Object Oriented Programming.)
Can you imagine your PC making a different pitched/tone beep for every single keystroke? How quickly would you want to pound it with a sledgehammer?
That’s both false and irrelevant. OO was invented in the late 1960s (Simula-68) and it doesn’t have anything to do with this situation at all (it’s really something you could do with a TSR, if you have the RAM and CPU cycles to spare).