Hillarious Way to Deal with Telemarketers

[John_DiFool]

I’ve been sorely tempted to use my extensive collection of R. Lee Ermey clips (from Full Metal Jacket, natch) on these idiots:

[Warning foul NSFW language]

“Hello, I’m looking for Joe W. Deadbeet, for the purposes of collecting an outstanding debt…”

“I don’t believe I heard you correctly.”

“Umm yes, is Mr. Deadbeet at home?”

“What do we got here, a fucking comedian.”

“Err you see, he ran up $2000 dollars of charges with the Kute Kitten adult toy shop…”

“Jesus H. Christ…”

“And we’ve been trying to find him for several months now to collect the debt.”

“Are you trying to offend me?”

“Umm no sir, but if you know the whereabouts of Mr. Deadbeet…”

“You are the lowest form of life on earth.”

“Excuse me?”

“You don’t scare me, work on it!”

“Umm anyway, if you know…”

“What is your major malfunction numbnuts?”

“I ah what?”

“Bullshit! The best part of you ran down the crack of your mama’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!”

“Wait, there’s no need to get angry…”

“I’ll bet you’re the kind of guy who would fuck a person in the ass and not even give him the God-damned common courtesy to give him a reach around. Don’t fuck me with me again!” <click>

---

I’m serious, I’m going to do it. In fact two of these assholes called me while I was typing out this message.

[Antinor01]

@pbbth

At least that extended car warranty scam seems to have stopped. I haven’t gotten one of those calls in almost a year but for a while I got 3 or 4 calls a day from them despite the fact that I don’t own a car. I hope whoever thought up that bullshit spends the next 20 years in solitary confinement. Or better yet in solitary confinement with the occasional call to try and sell them a car warranty.

I totally agree. They were/(are?) that magical combo of a scam, annoying and breaking the DNC list laws. Maybe they’ll need some new siding for their cell.

[zoid]

For those of us at work, anyone care to give a rundown of the link?

[septimus]

@zoid

For those of us at work, anyone care to give a rundown of the link?

I found it hilarious. When Tom finds out it’s a telemarketer calling, he yells something like “Photograph the body, dust for prints” to “detectives” in the room with him, and notifies the caller he’s called a homicide scene. He wants to know what business the caller had with the deceased, orders him to stay on the line, etc.

(But I think it was staged with a straightman, rather than a real telemarketer calling.)

[Lynn_Bodoni]

@lost4life

I’ve been on the DNC list since the day it came out. The problem is, the people who call me the most are criminals trying to steal credit card and other information. I show them no mercy. If I can tie up some of their time, or make them hate their job, it’s a good thing (remember, these are actual thieves).

The other groups that call are politicians and charities (many of which sound shady). If they’re legit, I politely tell them I’m on the Do Not Call list. If they tell me they’re exempt, I tell them it still means I don’t want to be called, hence the name of the list. They are welcome to mail me information, as I will never give money over the phone. Legitimate charities will actually mail you something or direct you to a website.

Heh. There were some fundraising telemarketers who would make a deal with various charities, or who formed charities, in which most of the money raised would go into the fundraiser’s pockets. I kept seeing newspaper articles about this, they’d have Cancer or Policeman’s Benefit in their names, but they were keeping about 95 cents out of every dollar, or something like that.

So I got into the habit of requesting literature “by US Postal Service, please”, and it pissed them right off. They didn’t want to send literature unless I’d make a pledge, and I said that I wasn’t going to make a pledge until I got the literature “oh, and be sure that it has the financial breakdown of how much money actually gets used for the charity, and how much for administration”, which REALLY pissed them off.

Ever since the DNC list has been active, though, I’ve told all charities that I’m on that list for a REASON, and I don’t give a damn if they’re exempt, I still don’t want to be called.

[Hari_Seldon]

My cell phone has a Brooklyn area code; it is on the DNC list too. Yet I got a call from an effing health insurance company claiming that my insurance was about to expire and didn’t I want to renew it. Now I have never done business with them, never heard of them, they are not a charity and have no business calling me and lying to me. I also get calls from credit consolidation companies, also on the same cell phone. I have no debts (except for the current month’s credit charges) so nothing to consolidate. I pity the telemarketers, forced to take these thankless jobs, but I hate them nonetheless. They are usually interrupting something and I have to jump up to answer the phone, interrupt dinner and it’s some asshole trying some scam. Incidentally, I cannot recall the last time I got a telemarketing call from a legitimate business. Maybe they realize how futile it is.

[Larry_Mudd]

I used to pretend to be open to talking to telemarketers - then, as they were giving their spiel, I would pretend to be masturbating. Not over-the-top, mind – just enough to make them uncomfortable and want to end the call, and to amuse whoever happened to be in the room with me at the time.

I used to have more time - and I was frequently high.

[Lynn_Bodoni]

Incidentally, I cannot recall the last time I got a telemarketing call from a legitimate business. Maybe they realize how futile it is.

Or maybe they don’t want to piss off potential customers. Plus, it’s a sleazy way of doing business.

[Canadjun]

One very weird thing about Canada’s Do Not Call list - newspapers trying to get you to subscribe are exempt!

[Serenata67]

That link was pretty funny. I wish I had the guts do to something like that. I would love to do that. I stopped having a land line because all I ever got was telemarketers on it.

[LilShieste]

Come on guys, we shouldn’t pick on telemarketers.

Obligatory SDMB link: The Telemarketer Speaks. I Respond. - The BBQ Pit - Straight Dope Message Board

[Turek]

@John_DiFool

“What is your major malfunction numbnuts?”

“I ah what?”

That’s when you drop in some Pulp Fiction.

“Say ‘what’ again, motherfucker!”

[BrotherCadfael]

@LilShieste

Come on guys, we shouldn’t pick on telemarketers.[URL=“The Telemarketer Speaks. I Respond. - The BBQ Pit - Straight Dope Message Board”]

I have absolutely no problem with picking on telemarketers. If they don’t like it, they can get a more respectable job. Like Panama pimp or child pornographer.

[FrancisCastle]

When I was 17 I worked for a place that used “cold calling” to try to sell their vaccuums. My scheduled hours were from 4pm to 7pm (Dinner time). Three hours of rude responses was enough for me to know I wasn’t cut out for that job.

Where I work now, we receive a lot of pre-recorded telemarketing calls. Usually you have to listen to the entire message and at the end there will an option to press a number to be added to their DNC list. Sometimes I end up getting the same call a couple times in one day because of the numerous lines the company has.

[Sailboat]

@tumbleddown

Who are you folks who still answer phone calls from telemarketers? Do you not have Caller ID? Do you not have voicemail?

We have relatives in prison. Probably to keep everything private, calls from the prison show up as unidentifiable numbers. We have to accept all such calls or else risk failing to pick up the prisoner’s calls, and they will eventually take away his phone privileges if no one answers his calls.

We are also getting calls from telemarketers despite being on the DNC list. Also someone called the other night from a blocked number and wanted to ask if we’d received a stupid paper phone book. Yeah, the horse-drawn carriage brought it.