I would hire EvilTOJ, because of knowledge of The Princess Bride.
An overweight person is likely to be self-indulgent and have health issues, particularly if he is 50 or older. If both people have personalities that are similar, I’d have to go with the person who is probably less of a health/absence problem and who will think of clients/colleagues before himself. In the absence of any other factors, that is.
I’d hire the fat one because the skinny one is a smoker who will have affairs with everyone on staff, get married, take eternal maternity leaves, then comes back to work and always leave early and come in late and take personal calls about the kids all the time.
Nah, the skinny person here is my father and gastric bypass almost killed him. Funny, huh?
Very interesting. I suppose skinny people are likely to be self-neglectful then so I guess you wouldn’t want to hire them, either, because they might end up starving to death? 
No, they just neglected to get treatment for the TB. Agh! He’s coughing at me!
Okay, I spent some time thinking about his last night. If they’re identical in every way except weight, I need to determine whether or not they use their respective weights to their advantage or not. To this end I have devised a series of tests.
Week One - Modern Pentathlon, 25 points
This will be a five day event consisting of pistol shooting, epee, equestrian show jumping, freestyle swimming, and 3 km freestyle run. Obviously the swimming and running could favor skinny guy (unless he has no wind or can’t swim), so obese guy will need to use strategy and may wish to more heavily concentrate on pistol and epee. This will make show jumping key; if obese guy wishes, he may use a Clydesdale (which will be available to skinny guy as well in the interest of fairness). Each event is scored separately for five points.
Weeks Two and Three - Feats of Strength, 20 points
This will consist of one day of Olympic weightlifting, one day of Chess Boxing, one day of Freestyle wrestling, and one day of Judo. There will be a minimum of three rest days between all events. These could go either way - obese guy has an obvious weight advantage, but if skinny guy has some skill the pendulum will swing his way. By this point it should be clear that my criteria depend to some degree on physical prowess. If you’re going to play ball for my team you need to be able to handle yourself, as I talk a lot of smack and have fairly significant gambling debts.
Week Four - Typing and Penmanship, 20 points
Self explanatory.
Week Five -Talent Show, 50 points
This is heavily weighted and could be a make or break event. Contestants will be forewarned I like music, love comedy, and hate show tunes, so if one of them is going to bring some weak “Glee” crap to the stage, they’d better own that sucker!
I’m going by my own addiction to cheeseburgers and the health issues I have due primarily to being 40 pounds overweight.
Pravnik–I hereby award you one (1) internet. That was awesome.
The obese guy is totally getting owned in the epee and show jumping–he presents a huge target and a Clydesdale ain’t jumping shit. And skinny guy better bring it in the chess portion of chess boxing–the rest of those two weeks may be fairly rough on him.
How about a pie-eating contest to decide who gets the job?
Curiously this may go to the small guy. Here’s a photo ofTakeru Kobayashi and Joey Chestnut, the legend and the current champ of speed eating, respectively. Takeru revolutionized the ‘sport’ and is very lean, arguing that fat won’t expand over a full stomach the way muscle will.
If I ever own a boat again, I want to name it after Takeru.
Well, since nobody is going to give Rand the answeer he is looking for, I guess I will: The skinny person, because he/she will be easier on the eyes.
I would choose the one who is not obese. IMO, obese people tend to be lazier when than non-obese people. Plus an obese person is less visually appealing than a normal weight person, all else being equal.
Ditto. This was absolutely my reasoning.
True enough. Plus there’s all that wear-and-tear on your office from fat people, and the vending machines are always cleaned out.
Wouldn’t that mean you were guaranteed fresher stock in your vending machines? Sounds like a bonus to me!
Like I said…
Hmm, good point.
I picked the other guy, because that’s clearly what RR wanted us to pick and, you know, why not? It’s not like the situation is remotely realistic.
Yawn to the nth power. Of course the situation doesn’t mirror reality. That’s why he explicitly stated it was hypothetical, as in only in theory, not real. We have an active thread right now about what you would do, hypothetically, if a sentient tree ruined your car. “That’s absurd; a tree cannot smash up your car” is a silly response. We know that already. Let’s make believe for five seconds, please.
This poll is obviously stupid, but what’s even stupider is pretending like it can’t be answered because it’s too unrealistic, or because maybe the skinny guy has AIDS, or whatever else retarded bullshit.
Oh, I can think of at least one Doper who regularly starts polls with even less connection to reallity.