Some people think that 13 is an unlucky number. It used to be (and still is?) that airlines don’t have a 13th row and tall hotels don’t have a 13th floor. I’m not sure if that has anything to do with this story.
Well, if that’s the basis for her grudge, then it’s … extremely petty.
So, people who’ve left grudges behind, how did you do it? I have in the past but I’m not sure how I did it. I can try to tell myself “This isn’t helping me, this is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to drop dead, I should forgive and move on” but that doesn’t seem to work with any regularity.
Not true at all…
holding grudges is too much negative energy…
I have a grudge against Franz Schubert. Yes, the classical composer.
I used to adore his music. Then one of my (now ex) friends got to play his music at her school. I didn’t get to play his music when I went to that school. Then this friend and a bunch of her other friends from my orchestra got together and played more of Schubert’s music, without inviting me.
I know, totally irrational. But like I’ve mentioned before, I’m not right in the head.
Well, I can’t say that I agree with this, but I do understand why others may. When someone does you wrong, whether it is family member, a friend or a SO, you can make a decision as to if and how the relationship will continue. Letting go of grudges can only benefit you because the other person has most likely moved on long ago from whatever the situation was that brought on the grudge in the first place.
This^
Which was the theme of the thread, grudges for small reasons…
In this case I also hold the grudge because she put all of the cousins together at one table and excluded me and to top it off rudely put me at table 13.
One night I had to run into my business to get some things at 2 am. On my way home, I was driving a back road in the rain. I saw a car that had slid off the road and was stuck on a slight slope. I was driving a 4WD Jeep Wrangler and had chains in the back from pulling stumps that weekend, so I pulled over and backed into place.
Then the guy guy got out of his car. I am lousy with faces, but I remembered him from a situation a few years prior. He had screwed me out of some money, and even lied to block collection attempts. He was a complete and total dick.
I leaned out the window, making absolutely sure of who he was and letting him see who I was. Then I drove off.
Guess I drank poison or something, but it made my day!
My wife got into an argument with my uncle, so my brother stopped calling me and blocked me from his phone.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. This is the same uncle who convinced my sisters that bro’ is a possible pedophile, so I really don’t get it.
What’s that saying ? Karma’s a bitch! 
I believe I would have driven away, too.
Someone was whooshed here, but it wasn’t Anaamika.
Sometimes it’s difficult. You could remind yourself that it’s an inefficient use of your energy. You could focus your attention on something more positive. You could confront the person, but in a positive and constructive way.
Personally, I tell myself this mantra: “The fruit of negative emotions is endless ignorance and suffering. To realize this is to cultivate the opposite.” It works pretty well!
Seriously.
No, you still shouldn’t. When someone permanently alters the course of your life, you should first of all wonder, how did you get into this position? Is there something you can do to change your behavior so no one hurts you that badly? If there genuinely wasn’t anything you could have done, why then, some people are just dicks.
Then, you should cut this person out of your life, if necessary. That is not holding a grudge, that is being healthy. If you don’t cut them off, be wary of your future interactions with them.
Then you should do your best to move on. Leave it behind.
If I am angry at someone, whatever I do, I probably can’t change them. Sitting and sulking by myself is not going to help me. Telling them I am angry at them - well, maybe they’ll apologize. Maybe not. It’s up to me to decide how i want to take the apology and decide where I am going with this.
No one is saying letting go of grudges means “Keep on exposing yourself to that behavior”. By all means protect yourself, and one of the ways of doing that is to let go of the anger.
It really depends on the type of grudge and who you are holding it against. The one I find hardest to let go and the one that is probably the most necessary is coworkers. I really don’t want to start a war in the office by saying everything I truly mean, but people can be so inconsiderate sometimes.
I am lucky. I have a very happy life. When I feel the rage building I remind myself what a good life I have. All the good things in my life. If it’s minor, I think, you know, that person probably had a horrible day. Sometimes I know things about them - you know, like they are having major money troubles or their husband just left them or whatever.
If they are genuinely an asshole, then I am grateful that I am not genuinely an asshole. I don’t really think being an asshole feels good. Maybe it does for some but not for me.
When it was my mother, the memories would make me bitter. I did everything I could not to dwell on those memories. It took a very long time, but in my thirties they are finally faded now. That’s the biggest thing, I guess - don’t let yourself dwell. I think every moment you sit there stewing by yourself is a moment where the other guy wins. You only have X moments in your life. How many do you want to spend, hurting because of someone else?
?!? Do you really think so?
Calling ETV - please clarify!
Actually, some people are saying that.
But seriously, there is a strong difference between holding a grudge and having healthy boundaries.
Well, Ok, I am not saying that.
“But too bad”? Really? You’ve chosen to hold this grudge and ruin your relationship with your aunt, skipping another cousin’s wedding, all because “but too bad”? Did you ever try to find out what the seating issue was all about? How do you know it was “rudely,” or is that just an assumption on your part? Maybe it was simply a matter of logistics. Did you even try to just enjoy the wedding as it was? You’ve harbored this grudge for years, poisoning your relationships with your relatives and all you’ve got to say about it is “but too bad”? If that’s really all you have to say about yourself, then I can’t help but think your aunt probably made the right decision.
And on top of that, you’re parading it around in this thread as if it were something to be proud of. Have some decency, be ashamed, and drop your grudge. The world will be a better place for it. Really.
I’m with Anaamika. Holding a grudge says a lot about the person holding the grudge, and it doesn’t say anything good.
I would have stopped and helped and been super nice about it. Because being super nice to assholes drives them insane.