Is anyone else unable to hold a grudge?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I suck at it. No, really. I do. I can’t stay mad at anyone. Not my dysfunctional mother, not the psycho girl I work with, not ex-boyfriends, not ex-girlfriends.

I’ve had one bad break-up in my life. If I force myself to “stay mad” invariably, I forget why I was mad in the first place and decide it’s easier to just get over it. It somehow seems that it is a sort of dysfunction because others around me aren’t like that.
Is anyone else like me? or am I just completely flucked up? Can you hold a grudge? If this is a character flaw, what is the flaw? Lacking conviction? Being too sympathetic? I don’t have abandonment issues that I can tell. I can’t seem to figure it out and I would like to understand it better, or understand in people who can hold grudges how the heck they do it, and why.

2

I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge, but you know the old saying, “Screw me once,” so I’m pretty wary in those situations. I wouldn’t say I hold grudges, but I do not consider trust a sinusodial function.

3

I cannot hold a grudge to save my life. Most people who know about my history with my Mom decide that there’s something psychologically wrong with me for continuing to speak to her on a regular basis. No, I’m fine, really. I just forgive her. shrugs

Though I will say, in this case, blood does run thicker than water. I’m much more dismissive of friends… but still…

4

Yeah, I don’t hold a grudge at all. I really don’t care enough about anyone else to get mad at them - but once someone has proven they can’t be trusted, I just - don’t.

5

Auntbeast and olivesmarch4th, you’ve given your own explanation. You grew up with a parent more or less constantly treating you bad. In those circumstances, a little kid learns two things:
1 This kind of behavior is normal, not the inexcusable exception it ought to be.
2. Confronting my parents does me absolutely no good.

It is painful to me to read the OP. I’ve recently entered therapy of the “finally start blaming your parents” kind. A sort of belated puberty, if you like. I had parents who largely neglected me as a kid, and I never had any of the usual puberty problems with my parents, either. They just hadn’t done enough raising for me to try and detache myself from them and become indempendent in practical stuff. I already was.
" Finally start blaming your parents"-therapy is not as pathetic as it sounds, although it sure doesn’t make me a more pleasant person, and it can be depressing as hell.
Although admitting (and not only saying, but feeling it as well, and that is a BIG difference, much bigger then I would have thought five years ago) my parents DID some things wrong, and that they WERE not such great people, is the first step, and the most whiny phase :slight_smile: The next step isn’t any more fun: seeing and admitting that such an upbringing has left scars, and that your defences (like a cheerful practical attitude and a skin as thick as an elephants may be good traits, but they’re just that: defences.
For instance, and now I go back to the OP, the inability (some call it strenght) to let something hurt you, becaus you refuse to become really emotionally dependent on those around you; and an inability to even recognize it when someone has crossed the line and hurt you; and the inability to get worked up enough about it to do something about it.
Another example, one of my scars is that I had the vague idea that normal, nice people were somehow boring, or somehow “not really my kind of people” and that they wouldn’t really like me. Or the idea that weird, unresonable people would somehow be grateful for the way I didn’t mind their behavior, and appreciate me more for it. Which I’ve now realised they rarely do, as their own defences do not allow them to really see what they are doing to others.

I’m starting to ramble. So yes, I do agree with the OP’s friends and olive’s friends that there IS something psychologically wrong. What is wrong is that you have adapted your emotions, your standards and your coping techniques to a bad situation in your youth. At the time, that was a smart move. Now you don’t live with at home anymore. you might be at risk to to seek out situations (partners/ friends maybe) that fit the defenses you learnt as a kid.
Is that a problem? I really don’t know.

6

Auntbeast and olivesmarch4th, you’ve given your own explanation. You grew up with a parent more or less constantly treating you bad. In those circumstances, a little kid learns two things:

  1. This kind of behavior is normal, not the inexcusable exception it ought to be.
  2. Confronting my parents does me absolutely no good.

It is painful to me to read the OP. I’ve recently entered therapy of the “finally start blaming your parents” kind. A sort of belated puberty, if you like. I had parents who largely neglected me as a kid, and I never had any of the usual puberty problems with my parents, either. They just hadn’t done enough raising for me to try and detache myself from them and become indempendent in practical stuff. I already was.
" Finally start blaming your parents"-therapy is not as pathetic as it sounds, although it sure doesn’t make me a more pleasant person, and it can be depressing as hell.
Although admitting (and not only saying, but feeling it as well, and that is a BIG difference, much bigger then I would have thought five years ago) my parents DID some things wrong, and that they WERE not such great people, is the first step, and the most whiny phase :slight_smile: The next step isn’t any more fun: seeing and admitting that such an upbringing has left scars, and that your defences (like a cheerful practical attitude and a skin as thick as an elephants may be good traits, but they’re just that: defences.
For instance, and now I go back to the OP, the inability (some call it strenght) to let something hurt you, becaus you refuse to become really emotionally dependent on those around you; and an inability to even recognize it when someone has crossed the line and hurt you; and the inability to get worked up enough about it to do something about it.
Another example, one of my scars is that I had the vague idea that normal, nice people were somehow boring, or somehow “not really my kind of people” and that they wouldn’t really like me. Or the idea that weird, unresonable people would somehow be grateful for the way I didn’t mind their behavior, and appreciate me more for it. Which I’ve now realised they rarely do, as their own defences do not allow them to really see what they are doing to others.

So, first step: admitting a had not just “unusual” parents, but that they neglected a lot of their parental duties;
Two, that that taught me defences because I needed those defences;
Third, an appraisal if I still need those defences and colored glasses, and to question if my defences are really “me”;
And four: shedding old skin. I’m currently alternating between phases two and three.

I’m starting to ramble. So yes, I do agree with the OP’s friends and olive’s friends that there IS something psychologically wrong. What is wrong is that you have adapted your emotions, your standards and your coping techniques to a bad situation in your youth. At the time, that was a smart move. Now you don’t live with at home anymore. you might be at risk to to seek out situations (partners/ friends maybe) that fit the defenses you learnt as a kid.
Is that a problem? I really don’t know. If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.

7

I’m one of the people who can hold a grudge. Part of it is that I have a very rigid sort of subconscious view of how people are supposed to treat each other. If you deviate from that without good reason, well, that’s basically it for you and me. I would still be civil, and interact with you if need-be, but I’d never have the same level of trust for you again. Another thing is that it’s very easy for me to relive events (both good and bad). So, I can get just as annoyed over something that happened years ago, as I would be if it happened yesterday. This most likely isn’t a good thing, but I’m not concerned since it’s not like I think about things that angered me every day, or even every year. I’ve always wondered how people could truly forgive and forget things, and go back to the way things were before.

8

Yes! Me too - well put!

9

Yet, I can hold a grudge. For a long long time. It takes a lot to get me to that point, but once I get there, I rarely turn back. As I get older, I am somewhat more forgiving, but there is still a line that you can cross that will have me banish you from my good graces forever.

10

I’m bad at grudges. You know those funny stories about people accidentally hitting respond instead of forward on an email? That happened to me; an admin screwed clicked the wrong button, and accidentally sent me an email that included a note from my boss talking about how flaky I am because I was claiming I didn’t have some form that she knew she’d sent me. (Incidentally, I have gmail, which has a search function. I searched my email history, and I really never had received the form. In retrospect, my boss might have been trying to make the admin - who was supposed to send the form to me - feel better by putting the blame on me instead of her.)

I was PISSED. I wrote a short and annoyed email to my boss before I thought better of it. I’m still somewhat amused at the thought of her reading that email and realizing what had happened. Hee!

Anyway, a day later, I just thought it was too funny to be mad about.

The only person I can really stay mad at is my sister, but that’s due to years and years of dealing with her incredibly awful behavior. I do not communicate with her. My mom occasionally wistfully remarks about how she’s my only sister and we should get along. (I wonder if she says this stuff to my sister, who’d probably through a screaming, stomping temper tantrum at the suggestion that her behavior is less than ideal. She’s almost 23 years old, btw.) I guess it takes a lot of shit to make me permanently angry at someone.

11

I’m the opposite. Screw me once, and I’ll never really forgive the person. I may be civil, but I won’t trust them and I won’t go out of my way for them.

My family has the ability to hold a grudge for decades.

12

I can hold a grudge like it’s been seared into my flesh with a hot iron. Some transgressions, even trivial ones when repeated, are signs of deep character flaws that are never going away. I’m not going to waste my time wondering if some unworthy human being has turned a new leaf or is trying to fool me with insincere contrition. Forgive, but don’t necessarily forget unless you don’t plan to learn from the past.

13

Nope, can’t hold a grudge to save my life. Which doesn’t mean I forget when you do me wrong, just that I can’t stay angry about it. Probably for the best…(Oh, and I had a wunnerful “Ozzie and Harriett” upbringing, Maastricht.

14

I don’t hold grudges. It’s rare that people try to screw me – I’m pretty wary – but when they do, I just move on.

15

I hold grudges forever. It’s not something I’m proud of and I really do work at trying not to.

16

A grudge is something you hold against someone…like a lien against someone who owes you…and your ego needs to pay them back.

I learned a way around it. I contemplate sweet revenge.

I think of the preparation, the unfolding, the execution, and the point when they “get it”, the realization that they have been punished and by whom.

But that’s just it…I just think of it. I don’t actually do anything.

Since the subconcious cannot tell the difference between reality and imagination, my ego is satisfied, and I can move on with my life.

17

Okay, first of all, I totally see where you’re going with this… but I also know where I’m coming from.

This is personal, but I’m starting to let my guard down a bit on these boards anyways…

My home life growing up was abusive and neglectful to the point that I ran away from home when I was 17. That moment, for me, was in essence, “I’m not going to put up with you treating me this way ANY more.” Of course, being out of the house really wasn’t sufficient. I always thought of myself as quite the martyr–that I would tolerate ANYTHING for the sake of Mom’s happiness (I hear this is common with children of single parents.) So for five or six years after I emancipated, I tolerated way more than I ever should have from her. She had been abusive to me herself, in a way I could forgive-- but so had her husband, in a way that I could not forgive, and she kept pressuring me to forgive despite the unspeakably unforgiveable nature of his crimes against me (I’m not being melodramatic–if there were any way to prove what he did, he’d be behind bars.) One day, when I was 22, she actually invited him into my HOUSE–and that was the last straw.

I didn’t speak to her for a year–it was looking like she wasn’t going to be coming to my wedding. Then one day I get a card in the mail and she tells me she’s divorced him. Since my only REAL reason for not being with my Mom had to do with not wanting to put up with her husband, I began a relationship with her again.

So… did she come crawling back, beg for forgiveness? No. If she had, would it change anything? Would I be any better off today, in this moment, if she told me she was sorry for what happened? No. All I can tell you is, she’s a different person now. She’s still got a warped perception of the past, but she’s neither abusive or neglectful… in fact, for the first time in my life, I ENJOY being with her. I think of her as a completely different person… the mother she used to be, back before she married Jackass #4.

And it kills people. I’ve been in therapy six years – I KNOW what she did was her own damn fault. I know who is to blame for what happened… I know it wasn’t me… but people still seem to think since I harbor no real ill-will toward her, I"m not dealing with my “issues.” I’ve dealt with my “issues” for years… I’ve got my narrative worked out… and I forgive her. I forgive her without her asking for forgiveness, I forgive her whether she ever realizes the extent of the damage she did to me. It’s not a desperate, dependent kind of forgiveness. If she called me tomorrow and started up the same old bullshit, she’d be out of my life that fast, with no remorse. My year without her taught me that I need parents like I need a hole in my head.

So, there is a difference between letting people walk all over you and not holding a grudge. I’ve learned, the hard way, that allowing people to abuse you and cause you stress will never get you anywhere in life. But nothing she could ever do will take back what she did. And regarding Jackass #4… I don’t lie awake at night harboring ill feelings toward him, either. When I say “unforgiveable” I mean I never want to see him or hear from him again… but my hatred or anger toward him does not wreck me. Again, it would be pointless, it would change nothing.

So I guess in my perception, holding a grudge does nothing but make one person miserable–the person holding the grudge. The past is done. You draw out your boundaries, you decide how much is too much, and you eradicate the damaging people until they are nothing more than a blip on the radar of your life.

Congratulations, btw, on your starting therapy. Part of the process certainly involves righteous anger toward the people who have harmed you. IN FACT, most research shows that people who forgive their abusers (in the sense of explaining/rationalizing their behavior and continuing unhealthy relationships) are far more miserable than people who don’t. I would encourage you to blame them for everything… as I have done, too (I don’t want you to get the impression I don’t blame my parents. I blame them plenty, and they deserve it.)

I’m not even really advocating any particular path. People everywhere just have to do what they’ve got to do to get through life. I’m just explaining the way I’ve managed, and why it isn’t psychologically unhealthy.

18

I don’t hold grudges easily, but the very few I have, I nurse, I fertilize, I water and I watch them grow. If someone has earned a grudge, I feel no reason to let it slip away.

19

I don’t hold grudges well, either, but the way I see it is, I don’t have to. If someone has treated me badly enough or pissed me off enough to create a grudge, I kick them out of my life and don’t think of them any more or have anything to do with them. They don’t exist in my world, so a grudge would be pointless.

My husband, on the other hand, is a fantastic grudge-holder. It takes a LOT to get him there, but once you’ve managed to piss him off that badly, he’ll hold the grudge against you for the rest of his life.

20

I do this too, but I always wake up outside my house dripping in blood. It’s damned inconvenient.

:dubious: