Here’s the thing about grudges/resentment: It’s a big old lie. Holding a resentment makes you feel like you are doing something about the wrong. It’s about as useful as stopping down the block from their house, writing your reasons out in the air with your finger, and then walking on. It has no effect upon them whatsoever. They may not even know that you are doing it.
Think about Connie, those 15 years between high school and the DMV. I was totally shocked when she glared at me, fully expected a cheerful reminisence when I recognized her. Yet how much time had she wasted feeling angry in the mean time? It’s too horrible to contemplate. And whatever it is, she almost certainly would have received an apology anywhere along the line (including the moment it happened) if she had just told me what the problem was.
But holding a grudge, feeding a resentment, it makes us feel powerful when we are in fact poweless. And that’s what I mean about it being a lie.
And the lie we tell ourselves about forgiveness, is that we have to tell them they are forgiven. We don’t. We only have to let ourselves off the hook.