How best to help your child climb to a higher socioeconomic class?

[Lacunae_Matata]

@boffking

I have a very common name, and it has screwed me over my entire life. The worst time was when someone else’s student loans appeared on my credit report, not because of fraud, but because someone at my college’s financial aid office mixed me up with another student who had the same first and last name.

My mother had someone else’s credit information end up on her credit report, and it took three years to straighten out. According to whitepages.com*, there are 126 women in the US with that name, and another 216 with an alternate spelling. It happens, and it’s unfortunate, but you really don’t have to have a common name for that mixup to happen. I’m not advocating naming your child John Smith or Jane Johnson, but there’s a lot of real estate between that and Pilot Inspektor or YouNique.

*Not saying that’s the final word on name commonality in the United States, but it was the first source I came up with!

[iiandyiiii]

Books. Have lots and lots of books in the house. All kinds of books. Read to them and give them lots of encourage to explore books on their own. Instill a love of books and reading, and they’ll have a big advantage over most other kids their age.

[zut]

Well, yes and no. That study demonstrates that having a family “scholarly culture,” as measured by library size, has a strong influence on educational attainment. Reading and exploring books is a part of having a family scholarly culture (and so the last part of your post is certainly true), but simply having books around the house is not sufficient.

[iiandyiiii]

@zut

Well, yes and no. That study demonstrates that having a family “scholarly culture,” as measured by library size, has a strong influence on educational attainment. Reading and exploring books is a part of having a family scholarly culture (and so the last part of your post is certainly true), but simply having books around the house is not sufficient.

Sure, hence this part of my post: “Read to them and give them lots of encourage[ment] to explore books on their own. Instill a love of books and reading, and they’ll have a big advantage over most other kids their age.”

[akeimi]

I second Paul Fussell. Exeter sounds like a bad idea unless you’re very UMC. I suspect your kids would be outsiders.

I think what you want for your kids is a tracked or selective school, but it can be anywhere as long as they have plenty of AP classes (these might not be the gold standard anymore) and their peer group is other smart kids. Not rich kids in a small town who play high school sports, but bright and ambitious kids whose motto will be “HYP or bust” from age 14 onwards. They’ll pressure your kid to work even harder, and clue him/her in to anything you miss. Also, every adult in his/her life will be constantly reinforcing that they have a great future ahead of them.

Help your kid identify how to show initiative and passion, and prioritize that. Think outside the school.

Teach your child which rules to break.

Get your children the most effective SAT prep assistance you can possibly afford. Sell a kidney here if you have to.

Don’t rule out a school until you see a financial aid package.

And if you have a son: when he has to wear a suit, get it tailored perfectly. Don’t overspend on the suit, but make sure the tailoring is on point. If it doesn’t fit, people will think he’s a noob.

[HoneyBadgerDC]

And if you have a son: when he has to wear a suit, get it tailored perfectly. Don’t overspend on the suit, but make sure the tailoring is on point. If it doesn’t fit, people will think he’s a noob.
[/QUOTE]

 Thats a goot tip I wish I would have read 20 years ago. I don't wwhere suits and wasn't aware of the importance of the fit until it was time for my son to get dressed. It wasn't horrible but could have been better.

[even_sven]

On schools, try to find an International Baccalaureate program. It’s the same program many of the most exclusive private schools use, and it’s very good and well regarded.

If you have a girl, encourage her to marry as late as possible.

[Nava]

Haven’t read all, I’m leaving out the stuff which I’m 100% sure will have been mentioned.

Empower the kid(s). Yeah, yeah, it’s corporatespeak, but what I mean is, involve them in any big decisions; in the end the decision is yours (you’re the parent), but asking for their opinion - and specially accepting it if they put it forward unasked - will go a long way towards training them to make their own decisions, organizing their own lifes; in short, being grownups. I knew which of the three HSs in my hometown I did not want to attend, but the choice between the other two never involved me in any way.

[Urbanredneck]

@Dangerosa

I wouldn’t move to New York or LA or any BIG city to climb - they have a LOT of climbers and if you aren’t exceptional, its easy to fail.

Move to a place where you have opportunity but won’t get lost in a crowd. Where you can network. The uncle above - Ames, Iowa - nice town, college town, quite a bit of wealth. Austin would be better than Dallas. Portland would be better than Seattle. Its easier to make connections and “be someone” in St. Paul than in Minneapolis - although being so close to one another, the economic opportunities cross the river pretty easily. But unless you are Truman Capote, its hard to go from being a rural hick to “someone” in a place like New York. Plus, there is the cost of living to consider.

As a parent, take advantage of the enrichment opportunities you city offers - and being in a city big enough to offer concerts, plays and museums helps.

Yeah. That makes sense. Kind of like a “starter” or “warmup” big city.

Someone who’s always lived in a house in a small town and being used to driving everywhere would be really taken back living in a NYC apartment and riding buses.

[Mr.Nylock]

@black_rabbit

Per my mother:

[ul]
[li]Make your children a vessel for all of your unfulfilled expectations and unrealized hopes about yourself. [/li][li]Constantly compare their academic and social standing to the Volvo-riding rich kids at the swanky college prep high school you sent them to. [/li][li]Discourage any passions or friendships they may develop that might distract them from more economically or academically fruitful pursuits.[/li][li]Frame every small misstep, screwup, or setback on their part not as a normal part of growing up, but as personally insulting, possibly apocalyptic fuckup that has not only likely doomed their chances for ever having a successful, independent life, but also broken your heart and made you question your own worth as a mother and a human being.[/li][/ul]

With these simple steps, you can raise two economically successful children, one of whom never calls you despite living five miles away and the other who can’t make a decision about the color of his curtains without calling you for advice.

I never knew my mother raised a second family; and to think, all those years, we believed her when she kept saying she was “working late”.:eek:

(FTR we get along fine now, and she really was doing the best she could - but there were some tough times.)

[Green_Bean]

@Dangerosa

Braces.

Phew. I’m glad somebody finally said this.

Do whatever you can to get your kid’s teeth in order. They don’t have to be hollywood-perfect, of course, but if he needs orthodonture, do whatever you can to make sure he gets it, and teach him to take care of his teeth scrupulously. Really bad teeth as an adult is a marker of poverty.

And someone upthread mentioned SAT prep. That’s another thing that is worth sacrificing for.

@Icarus

Setting aside the dreams of yachts, champagne, and caviar - it sounds like you’re looking to give them the footing to step a notch or two above where you are. From my experience, sending the kids to some kind of private school provides a lot of advantages. For us it was one in the Catholic school family (we are not Catholic). It cost money, but it was by far the cheapest in the area.

What we found was that the environment at a private school was more focused on getting into college. All of the kids there were expected to move into some higher education, even if it was only community college. And - this is a big feature - the kids are not surrounded by the usual public school riff-raff. You don’t have to worry so much about your kids falling in with the wrong crowd if the wrong crowd isn’t around. On the other side of the coin, the kids at the private school are likely to be from successful families who have inherited more generally positive values, etc. Just by putting your kids into that peer group has a positive affect.

This depends entirely on where you live, and it is irresponsible to give this advice without a caveat.

Where I grew up, if you wanted your kid to rub elbows with the “right” kind of people, you’d send them to the public school. It was FAR superior to the local Catholic school. There were hardly any other private schools around us because there was so little demand. And one area in my hometown was second only to Beverly Hills in terms of wealth at the time.

Private schools are more common in NJ where I live now, but part of the reason people pay through the nose to live in this town is because of the excellent schools. I’m already paying for the schools as part of my property taxes. I’d be foolish not to use them.

@Incubus

I would disagree slightly on the name. My wife and my friend’s wife were having a conversation a few years ago when friend’s wife was pregnant. They were talking about names. Friend’s wife emphasised that she wanted her kid to have a ‘white’ name (friend is half Latino) because people that ended up becoming CEOs had white names. My wife was a little offended, because most definitely does not have a ‘white person’ name; in fact she has a name quite difficult for many gringos to pronounce. She told me the conversation made her want to name her future kids the most stereotypically ‘Latino’ sounding names possible and drive them to succeed to prove you don’t have to name your kid ‘William’ or ‘George’ just to allow them success in life.

Come on now. There’s a big difference between naming your kid Ana and naming her whatever the Latina equivalent of Tyffani is. If she’s living in the U.S., however, it’s wise not to give her a name that is “difficult for many gringos to pronounce.”

[JohnT]

Re: Names.

Successful* males tend to have short, 1 or 2-syllable names, that begin with a consonant. Sometimes these names can be the diminutive form of a longer name (“Mike” for “Michael”, for example.)

Successful* females tend to have 2 to 3-syllable names, also beginning with a consonant. Unlike men, however, successful females rarely use the diminutive form (“Rebecca” is far preferred to “Becky”.)

Top CEO Names across the globe: Brad, Bland or Brand?

Please note that this is a snapshot of current names in American business. I have every expectation that this will change as demographics change, and, of course, this says nothing about names outside the US (The article mentions European names at the very end - CEO’s in the EU tend to have longer names than their American counterparts.)

*In this study, “success” was defined by your current position as entered on LinkedIn.

[Voyager]

@Green_Bean

This depends entirely on where you live, and it is irresponsible to give this advice without a caveat.

Where I grew up, if you wanted your kid to rub elbows with the “right” kind of people, you’d send them to the public school. It was FAR superior to the local Catholic school. There were hardly any other private schools around us because there was so little demand. And one area in my hometown was second only to Beverly Hills in terms of wealth at the time.

Private schools are more common in NJ where I live now, but part of the reason people pay through the nose to live in this town is because of the excellent schools. I’m already paying for the schools as part of my property taxes. I’d be foolish not to use them.

Exactly what I found. The subset of my high school (we were so big that it was kind of stratified by intelligence) was far better than the local private schools. In fact, I never felt like an outsider there, since there were so many people in my classes like me we were weird together.
Our kid’s school in NJ. in a town chockful of research scientists, was quite similar.

[monstro]

Is it easier being the “poor” kid in a excellent public school or a poor kid in a private school? Not just in terms of costs (including incidentals like band uniforms, field trips, etc.) but also socially and academically?

My worry is that both have hidden trade-offs the OP may want to consider. Like, my experience in pubic schools is that poor/working class/bussed kids get shafted when they are competing with middle-class/rich/neighborhood kids for premium academic spots. Tiffani and Justus have to really prove they belong in honors and AP classes, while Skylar and Winthrop will always be guaranteed a spot. Poor/working class kids get “accidentally” enrolled in remedial classes, while remedially-performing wealthier kids get a pass on their mediocrity. These are generalities, of course. I’m sure some schools are better than others. But shit ike this does happen.

This kind of ghettoization may happen in private schools too. But maybe not, since enrollment is often smaller? I don’t know.

There’s also the “small fish in a big pond” versus “big fish in a small pond” aspects to consider. If the OP’s kids are smart but markedly disadvantaged, what would be better for them? Dropping them in a rat race where they are at high risk for being jerked around by classist teachers and registrars? Or the shining stars at less competitive but still “good” public schools, where they won’t stigmatized as “poor”.

(I still don’t know how poor we’re talking. That’s why I keep using the quotation marks.)

[Dogzilla]

@OurLordPeace

What if they don’t like sports, or if their feelings are much stronger than simple dislike?

Then music, instruments, singing, theatre, art… Most kids will be into either sports or the arts. Those who are into neither would be the STEM geeks, which is awesome. Either way, fill in the blanks left by the schools with enrichment activities.
Some other ideas:

•Attending the best schools possible, like a magnet school specializing in STEM or the arts (whichever the kid shows affinity for), one that offers AP classes and/or an IB (International Baccalaureate) program. Something that isn’t all vocational tracks, with a wide variety of extracurricular activities available. I don’t think it has to be a boarding school or a private school. You might also look into moving into the district of the best public school system you can find. Often, the best high school in an area includes a geographic area that isn’t wealthy – so you might be able to afford to live near the “good” school. Do some research.

•Personal economics. I had no clue how to manage a checking account or a credit line until college and on into my 20s. Or how to buy a car or a house. Or why I should or shouldn’t have credit cards and/or student loans. How to invest once I finally do get that expendable income. I would think it could start with the grocery store: give the kid some money and a list of stuff. Work with him or her to teach the value of a dollar. Explain how much you make an hour. Show him your pay stubs and explain about taxes. When age-appropriate, have them look over your shoulder when you do things like pay the monthly bills, file taxes or decide to buy or sell a house. And most importantly, NO ALLOWANCE. Although I resented the hell out of it at the time, being forced to find a way to make my own money (because they wouldn’t give me money for things either) really built some useful resourcefulness skills as an adult. When the kid wants a new bike, they’d better babysit or get a paper route or mow lawns/shovel sidewalks or walk dogs or something. I think kids are less “gimme gimme” when they realize how hard you – and they – have to work to earn something.

• Expectations: Talk about college like everyone does it and of course you’re going to college. Talk about grad school, because a bachelor’s just really isn’t cutting the mustard anymore and who knows what the job market will be like when they are ready for it.

• Take 'em on field trips to museums, and the ballet, and theater, and Civil War battle sites and Colonial Williamsburg and whathaveyou. Travel as much as possible – doesn’t matter if you have to camp to go on vacation (that can be super fun too!) – but get 'em out and seeing the world and most importantly, meeting people from all walks of life. Don’t just go to Disney and throw your hard-earned money around. If you’re going to take a vacation, have the kid(s) help plan it out, do it on the cheap (like camping or visiting far-away family), and make sure there are many teachable moments built right in. My parents took me to visit far-away relatives and would stop at historical spots along the way. Vacations weren’t really about consumption; they were about learning something and connecting with people (like family).

•I saw upthread someone mentioned etiquette classes and emphasis on posture and diction. At first, I was all and then I realized how much I would have appreciated that and what little etiquette I did learn came in damn useful as I attended social events that were work-related, in places I’d have never been exposed to as a child. For example, in college, I was invited to a luncheon at the home of the University President. Those were very helpful experiences, so any and all exposure the child can get to socioeconomic classes that are not yours will be useful.

• Upon preview, yes, fix the teeth if they need fixing. Same goes for good clothes that fit well. They might have fewer things, but a nice jacket or blazer (for either gender) can be really useful to have when you need to class up yourself. And good shoes. Note: Try places like Plato’s Closet – you don’t have to spend the big bucks on Abercrombie & Fitch if you buy used and have things tailored or learn sewing skills yourself.

[bump]

@JohnT

Re: Names.

Successful* males tend to have short, 1 or 2-syllable names, that begin with a consonant. Sometimes these names can be the diminutive form of a longer name (“Mike” for “Michael”, for example.)

Successful* females tend to have 2 to 3-syllable names, also beginning with a consonant. Unlike men, however, successful females rarely use the diminutive form (“Rebecca” is far preferred to “Becky”.)

Top CEO Names across the globe: Brad, Bland or Brand?

<snip>

The asinine thing about the study is that it doesn’t make a distinction between the long form and short/diminutive form of names.

So for example, according to their silly infographic, a kid named Benjamin is doomed to working as a waiter… unless he decides to be called Ben, in which case he’s set for CEO.

[JohnT]

I don’t recall the article using the word “doomed.”

It’s a simple count of what names are most popular with each self-proclaimed title on LinkedIn. Using your example, what it’s saying that a person with the given name of "Benjamin"is more likely to use the short form of his name with some professions (sales, executive positions) and the long form with others (STEM fields, many professions, and yes, restaurant work.)

[bump]

@Dogzilla

Same goes for good clothes that fit well. They might have fewer things, but a nice jacket or blazer (for either gender) can be really useful to have when you need to class up yourself. And good shoes. Note: Try places like Plato’s Closet – you don’t have to spend the big bucks on Abercrombie & Fitch if you buy used and have things tailored or learn sewing skills yourself.

At the risk of sounding elitist, but who doesn’t have some sort of shirt & tie ensemble (or the female equivalent) by the time they are in high school? WTF do they wear to weddings, funerals and other stuff like that?

[monstro]

@bump

At the risk of sounding elitist, but who doesn’t have some sort of shirt & tie ensemble (or the female equivalent) by the time they are in high school? WTF do they wear to weddings, funerals and other stuff like that?

It’s not like when you go to someone’s funeral or wedding, Joan Rivers is waiting at the entrance. If everyone you know dresses a certain way (ill-fitting, bargain basement suits and K-Mart dresses), then that’s how you will dress. How would you know any different?

It is also possible to make it to adulthood without having to dress up for a wedding or a funeral or anything else important. Even churches nowadays are going casual. People aren’t born knowing what’s tacky or “low-class”.

[Dangerosa]

@bump

At the risk of sounding elitist, but who doesn’t have some sort of shirt & tie ensemble (or the female equivalent) by the time they are in high school? WTF do they wear to weddings, funerals and other stuff like that?

A lot of guys aren’t wearing ties to weddings - or to funerals.